The Fungal Menace

It's one of the most common themes in action/adventure movies: two diametrically opposite people band together against a common threat. Think of Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck in "Armageddon," or Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman in "Independence Day."

Those of you who've read this column over any length of time are well aware that my own personal archnemesis of late has been the Center For Science in the Public Interest, better known as the food police. These are the folks who, on a monthly basis, strike various yummy delights, such as pizza and cheeseburgers, off the list of "permissible" eats. They first earned my ire back in May, when they clued all of us in to the fact that *shudder* pizza is NOT good for you.

Now, in a positively Ouroborean development, the food police have turned on one of their own. Back in March, I alerted you to the menace posed by the fungus-based meat substitute known as Quorn, which at the time had just received Food and Drug Administration approval. The marketing geniuses behind Quorn learned that they could peddle it by the ton to the sprouts-n-wheat germ crowd as long as the word "fungus" didn't appear too prominently on the package.

Now, the Center for Science in the Public Interest says it's received more than 30 reports of people suffering various symptoms, including vomiting and diarrhea, from eating Quorn. One North Carolina man broke out in hives and had trouble breathing. Another woman had to be treated for dehydration following some, eh, less-than-salubrious digestive system effects.

So, the folks who hate pizza and cheeseburgers, not to mention just about anything else worth eating, are now turning their venom toward a fellow fifth columnist in the food army.

I think I'm going to crack a cold one, slap one of my special Mongo burgers on the grill, top it with half a pound of sharp cheddar and chuckle while I read the Quorn story over and over.

'Digging' For Evidence

Apparently, a Springboro, Ohio, man didn't read last week's column when he tried to hide some allegedly pilfered jewelry.

After one of his carpet-cleaning customers reported a rather pricey engagement ring missing, police hauled Sean Hargrave in for questioning. However, instead of the lie detector he expected, Hargrave found himself in front of an X-ray machine, which quickly pinpointed the purloined pretty in his stomach.

A healthy dose of laxatives rescued the ring, and Hargrave was charged with theft and tampering with evidence. The ring's rightful owner says she's not quite sure what she'll do with the bauble, knowing where it's been.

Smokey And The Moron

A police inspector in Bethlehem, Pa., was on his way home when a rather unusual sight on the roadside caught his attention: a full-grown man, weighing 180 lbs, riding a Fisher Price Power Wheels cycle down the side of the road.

The Shriner impersonator told the bemused officer that he was headed for his uncle's house on the 3 mph conveyance. He was promptly arrested and charged with public drunkenness. The owner of the cycle, who had reported it stolen, declined to press charges.

You may be chuckling now, people, but just imagine the heartbreak if little Billy went out to ride on his Big Wheel, only to discover some short-legged wino had taken it and was pedaling down the street, making motor noises between slugs of Boone's Farm.

Or imagine the tears in little Sally's eyes when she discovers her beloved Barbie Dream Car has become the victim of a child-size carjacking. Invest in an alarm system for your child's wheeled toys, folks. You'll be glad you did.

Jerk Of The Month

David Williamson, like most self-important jackasses, is obsessed with the concept that his time is worth money. It was in the spirit that, after being called for jury duty in federal court, he sent a bill for $17,000 to the court, which works out to his "usual" computer consulting fee of $100 per hour for the entire month of August.

Williamson warned the court that the bill is due at the end of August -- and that he'll start tacking on interest after that. A federal district judge has responded by ordering Williamson to show cause why he shouldn't go to jail for contempt of court.

We are forced to ask if Williamson has ever heard of that ephemeral concept known as civic duty, or if that's a concept for us "little people" who don't bill by the hour. If and when he DOES end up in jail, I'd like to be allowed to pick his cellmate.

Urban Legend Of The Week

The Photoshop geniuses are at it again! No doubt many of you (judging from how many have asked ME about it), have received the picture at left from e-mail buddies. You may have even passed it on, thinking it might just be real.

The anonymous cut-and-paste job first began circulating in August 2001, when sharks were very much in the news following the widely publicized mauling of 8-year-old Jesse Arbogast off Pensacola Beach, Fla.

It's fairly well done, at least compared to such ham-handed efforts as the WTC guy, but the detailed closeup at right makes it a bit easier to see the fakery. In fact, the shot of the shark is a famous one of a great white breaching taken by underwater photographer Charles Maxwell.

For more information on this and many other Urban Legends and e-mail hoaxes, visit my close personal friend at About.com's Urban Legends reference site.

Thanks for coming along for another trip through the world of weird. How are things out your way? Any oddness going on? Let me know!