'Survivor: Thailand:' This Is The End!

Here we are again. The popcorn is popped, the Mountain Dew is chilled, and we're all settled in for another two-hour slam-bang finale.

It was tough to handicap tonight's group. Brian was physically the strongest, but mental challenges left him high and dry. Helen was at least as good a puppet master as Brian, and mentally sharp. Clay had the good-ole-boy vibe going strong, and seemed to be the "Teflon survivor." Jan, well, Jan was Jan. She picked the team, and was the matriarch figure to all of them.

We began with a craft project. Name plaques for each of the 12 "fallen" survivors were accompanied by flowers and all manner of decorating equipment. The object was to make a dozen small sacrificial "floats" for an unknown reason.

Early on, Clay seemed to be trying to bond with Brian, but Bri's allegiances have proved to be worth their weight in rice paper.

The first immunity challenge actually had a title, "Second Chance." It was comprised of bits of previous challenges, including the slide puzzle that was Ghandia's downfall and, at the end, a squirmy delicacy in a covered dish.

The first part of the challenge was all strength and dexterity, and thus it was a bit of a surprise to see Clay jump out to an early lead, and Brian to be bringing up the rear early on.

Both women, however, had serious difficulties with the balance-beam second portion of the course, and the men ended up side-by-side at the slide puzzle.

Clay's brain appeared to shut down at this point, and he had to submit to the ignominy of being overtaken in a thinking exercise by Brian.

Brian reached the last stage, and found a large dead tarantula awaiting him in the covered dish. With hardly a grimace, he downed the fuzzy bug and retained the immunity necklace.

This was Clay's best chance to win immunity and get rid of his biggest physical rival, Brian. He blew it. Would it cost him his spot?

My pick at this point was for Brian to get rid of Helen, who (if Brian had a brain cell left) he'd realize was at least his match in gamesmanship and treachery.

Brian's initial comment when the four tribe members returned to camp indicated that he was, indeed, planning to get rid of Helen.

It seemed to be a fairly done deal, with kindhearted Jan being somewhat reluctant to go along with getting rid of Helen, but seeing the writing on the wall.

Brian and Clay flat-out lied to Helen, telling her they'd vote with her to get rid of Jan.

Brian cast his vote for Helen, as did Clay. The ladies' votes were not shown, but it really could be nothing but eviction for Helen.

With Helen casting her vote for Jan, it was 3-1 and Helen's torch was snuffed. She expressed profoundest resentment toward Brian, which will no doubt stand against him should he make it before the jury.

The three remaining tribe members returned from council to find Helen's name tag and float awaiting decoration to go with the other 12. It was a very spooky, "Blair Witch" sort of touch with the low-light photography.

Obviously, the late-night float-making affected the tribe's minds, as they indulged in a "pantomime breakfast" the next morning before Jeff arrived with an ornate canoe and a map, along with directions to release the floats.

I can't help but think that, somewhere, there's a Thai deity exceedingly displeased with the idea of worship rituals being used for TV purposes. Could the final challenge be dodging volcanic boulders hurled by an angry god?

My money's on the god, in that case.

Of all the footage of Tanya, did one of the three clips used HAVE to be of her throwing up? Nix on the popcorn. Thanks, guys.

Of course, one of the shots of Erin HAD to be of her in her quite small bikini top, flexing and paddling a canoe for all she was worth. Coming soon to a poster shop near you.

Following behind the float was a vegetarian alligator, who was ever so thankful for the flowers and goodies to add to his diet of reeds and leaves.

I'm kidding, of course, but it sure would have been amusing. Actually, I swear I saw Probst diving into the river and grabbing the floats for sale on eBay. So THAT's how he affords all those snappy chambray shirts.

Again with the creepiness, the survivors then paddled into a bat-infested cave, and stepped out to find a candle-lit cavern.

This final challenge was titled "The Belly of the Whale," and as has become tradition, it was endurance-related.

In each hand, between the fingers, the contestants held three gold coins. The object was to hold them while maintaining a feet-flat, palms-upraised position familiar in Pacific Rim mythology. Once the coins dropped or the posture was broken, the contestant was eliminated.

In his usual "grinning tormentor" role, Probst peppered the survivors with questions. Jan professed to a longing for beer and pizza upon her return home, while Brian tersely blew Jeff off, saying he was "relaxing." Clay mumbled something about "hugging something fat," as best I could make out.

After 12 minutes, no one had dropped any coins, although Clay looked to be suffering mightily. Brian was either feeling pain or re-enacting a scene from one of his movies, and Jan looked positively zombified.

Then, suddenly, Jan surrendered, followed very quickly by Clay, leaving Brian in the catbird seat.

If I were Brian, I'd get rid of Jan. She was a sympathetic mother-figure sure to garner copius support from the jury, whereas Clay had rubbed several folks the wrong way. Clay was also fairly well-off, whereas Jan's life would change forever with the money.

At the tribal council, Brian stood and thought a long time before casting his vote, the only one that really counted. Jeff retrieved the vote can (also soon to be yours for bid on eBay, no doubt, although this one looked like a hotel ice bucket), and sent Jan to the jury.

It was an all-male final two, with Brian wisely getting rid of Jan. Or WAS it wise? Would this now be held against him, that he'd deprived a sweet older lady of even $100,000? Ah, the agony of decision.

It was time for a really nifty ritual, the burning of the possessions, especially the much-hated, incredibly heavy boat. Having this be an all-male affair only added to it, as guys just flat love burning stuff. In fact, I set a small fire on my desktop out of sheer excitement.

Looking somewhat mellow for men about to wrestle over a $900,000 difference in cash, Clay and Brian filed in before the jury and made their opening statements.

Clay made a good "aw-shucks" case for himself, admitting that he'd lied to some of the jury members but trying to couch it as well as possible.

Brian took a hard left into the twilight zone right off the bat, throwing buzzwords and half-sentences. He did seem to make a couple of points vis a vis his habit of screwing folks he'd committed to, but I wasn't impressed.

Then came the fun part, the jury questioning. Erin kicked it off by asking each man to tell why the other should NOT win. Brian tried to cast Clay as a slacker, while Clay pegged Bri as a puppet master.

Next came NYPD Ken, who nailed Brian to the wall on something he'd said about Ted a long while back. Brian refused to give a straight answer, but the strong hint was of a racial overtone. I think Brian lost the money right here, but we'll see.

Penny came next, and quizzed the men on how well they knew her. Brian missed his questions, and Clay seemed to impress her with his memory of some of her past events.

Jake the Snake was next, looking like a gunslinger preparing for a sneaky draw. He pegged both men about some intertribal maneuverings, and Clay got a bit belligerent, while Brian played it mellow.

Ted came next, and praised Brian for his gamesmanship and hammered on Clay about his definition of a racist. He then asked Clay to pitch for his vote. It was an odd encounter, given the groundwork Ken had laid on Brian's past comments.

Next, Jan asked the men to account for their work contributing to the well-being of the tribe, and Brian seemed to come out well ahead.

The fireworks came next, with a severely hacked-off Helen confronting the men. She professed to not being surprised by Clay, but hammered Brian hard for stabbing her in the back. After a long harangue, she demanded to know why Brian had lied to her and why she should vote for him.

Brian laid out his knowledge of Helen's scheming with Ted, and turned the trust issue around on her. There was then a heated exchange worthy of anything ever seen in an "L.A. Law" courtroom.

Brian then apologized for not telling Helen he was voting for her, hoping to get her vote.

Helen turned her basilisk gaze on Clay then, and again challenged him on his contributions to the camp. He gained points in my eyes by refusing to play Helen's game and lay out three specific contributions that he'd made each day. She was power-tripping, and he refused to play ball.

The voting came, and Erin was shown casting hers for Clay, commending his honesty. Ted cast his vote for Brian, calling him the lesser of two evils. Penny cast a very enthusiastic vote for Clay, with cute underlines and exclamation points that will not doubt make the vote count double. Helen, still smarting from Clay's snub, cast her vote for Brian.

No other votes were shown, and Jeff left to tally the votes.

Clay and Brian split the first four votes, with Clay taking the fifth ballot. The sixth ballot went to Brian, as did the seventh and final one.

Congratulations to Brian Heidik, Sole Survivor and winner of "Survivor: Thailand!"

What a long, strange trip it's been, eh? Thank you all for coming along. Tune in next year for "Survivor: Amazon."

As ever, I look forward to hearing from all of you. Drop me a line with your comments, questions or anything else that comes to mind.