Art For Art's Sake

As summer winds down, it seems that the heat has finally taken its toll on folks in supervisory capacities around the country. We've got books being banned, statues being censored, and all manner of other oddness afoot.

I can fully understand the summer loonies. I suffer from them every year myself. All I have to do is get a fishing pole in my hand, and all rational thought departs.

In spite of the fact that, in all the years I've gone there, I've only caught two edible fish, I continue to plunk down my $7 to night fish on a lighted pier an hour's drive from my house. Add in the cost of gas, live bait shrimp, and frosty-cold adult beverages (perhaps the TRUE reason for the trips), and it works out to about $750 per pound for my fish. At least they were tasty.

I'll continue to do it, though. It's one of those activities which allow me to keep my fingernails sunk into the ragged edge of sanity. As this week's selections prove, that's a tough job indeed.

Statue Porn

Diana Whitt, of Shenandoah, Texas, just north of Houston, is determined to protect our children from naughtiness in all its insidious forms . In this case, that includes the objectionable works of that infamous pornographer, Michelangelo.

Yes, folks, the man who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel turns out to have been a pornmongering sicko, as evinced by his anatomically correct "David" sculpture, a copy of which stands atop a sporting goods store in Shenandoah.

Apparently not buying the idea that the sculpted naughty bits were, in fact, a built-in sundial feature, Ms. Whitt mounted a successful campaign to have the statue made safe for public consumption by the addition of a fig leaf.

Having succeeded in making the local statuary safe for all, Whitt's next target is a local Italian eatery, which like many pasta joints has replications of Italian art (which is not generally known for the abundance of raiment on its subjects) on the walls. She's called for a boycott of the restaurant.

She may run into trouble enforcing the boycott, though, as the local district attorney, Michael McDougal, says the grand jury recently ate there and evinced no displeasure at the decor.

Go Ban Alice

In another dispatch from the 19th century, the town of Webb City, Mo., has succeeded in banning the "Alice " series, by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, from the local school library.

The heroine of the books, Alice McKinley, is a teenage girl coming of age in a house with only her father and older brother for company. The series explores Alice's attempts to understand such topics as sexuality, puberty, and various other "controversial" topics.

The ban, of course, has made the books a hot property at the local public library and bookstores.

You know, history shows that it really is always better to sweep the discussion of controversial topics under the rug than get it out in the light of day. Goodness knows that years of beating down topics like those Alice agonizes over have completely cured the problems of teen pregnancy and drug abuse. Just remember: a teen who's kept in the dark about societal issues is a happy, well-adjusted teen.

Get The Hoses!

The firefighters of Oceanside, N.Y., like members of many small-town operations, are always trying to find innovative ways to raise money for the department. It was in this spirit that two of the top officers created the "Catfight Babes" event.

The idea, as the name might possibly imply, was to have public-spirited young women -- attired in a manner sure to have Diana Whitt scribbling protest signs so fast her wrist would snap -- wrestling in substances ranging from oil to chocolate syrup.

There are six volunteer fire companies in Oceanside, and it probably comes as no surprise that five of them are all-male.

Nonetheless, the two officers behind the idea were suspended from their volunteer positions until they agreed to cancel the fund-raiser.

The departments will now redirect their efforts to more traditional fund-raising activities such as carnivals and Christmas tree sales.

There's no reason the ladies who were lined up for the catfight event couldn't help out with those endeavors, though. I'm sure a Topless Tree Lot event would raise tons of dough.

Urban Legend Of The Week

With Halloween/Samhain just over a month away, it's time to dust off some of the truly spooky Urban Legends and perhaps give you an idea for something to tell around that spooky campfire. This one is a personal favorite, and can be found along with tons of others at the About.com Urban Legends page , run by my soul brother, David Emery.

Paul was appalled upon coming home from work to discover that his dog had apparently jumped the back fence and killed his neighbor's prize rabbit. He found the hound toying with the dead bunny, and immediately seized the lapine casualty from the dog.

Remarkably, despite some dirt and dog slobber, the rabbit was completely unmarked. Knowing that he had a little time before his neighbor came home, he washed the dead bunny and blow-dried its fur, making it look as good as new. He jumped the fence and placed the rabbit back in its hutch, thinking it would be found there and no one would be the wiser.

A few days went by and he heard nothing. Then on the weekend he was talking over the fence to his neighbor, who he said that a strange thing had happened to him that week. When he came home from work one night he found his prize rabbit dead in its hutch.

Paul commisserated with his neighbor, remarking how awful it must have been to make the discovery.

"That's not the strange part," said the neighbor. "What's weird is that it had died earlier that morning and I buried it before going to work!"

How are things out your way? Any artwork in peril? Any dead bunnies hopping around? Drop me a line .