'Survivor: Amazon:' Place Your Bets!

Ah, it's good to be back! I tried, honest I did, to walk away from all the glory of "Survivor" duty ... tried to enjoy getting to bed early on Thursday nights ... but in the end I just couldn't do it.

Why? One word: Rob. He is quite possibly the most annoying, sexist, conniving little schmuck ever to set foot on the "Survivor" stage. And he's just possibly going to win it all.

Let's get one thing straight right off: in case you can't tell, I don't LIKE Rob. I admire the way he's played the game, but I'd just as soon see him pitched to the piranhas in favor of Butch and Christy.

Coming into this week, Rob was feeling even more at ease, having successfully eluded even a grazing blow from the sledgehammer of outrage that saw Deena unceremoniously cast down from her self-appointed leadership position and sent packing.

Jenna, Heidi, Rob and Alex, like youngsters before, have formed a "cool" alliance, leaving Butch, Christy and Matt to keep the camp running while the younger set enjoyed sun and relaxation.

This, of course, forced the other three into a de facto alliance of their own.

The reward challenge treemail arrived early, with $500 in American cash for each castaway. Yes, it was auction time!

The first item up for bid was a piece of cheesecake, which Heidi snapped up uncontested for $120. And that was without so much as a caramel drizzle or spoonful of strawberry topping, mind you. Methinks those svelte hips will be shopping at Lane Bryant before too many years go by.

Next on the block was the infamous mystery plate. Bidding was furious, with Alex placing the high bid of $240. Then, with his best Monty Hall smile, Jeff Probst offered to let the scruffy one trade the mystery plate he'd bought for a different covered dish. Alex stuck with the original plate, and got a big ol' steaming plate of the manioc gruel the tribes have subsisted on since the beginning.

Oh, and what was in the other mystery plate? You don't really want to know that, do you? OK, stop throwing remotes! It was lasagna. Granted, it didn't look nearly as good as MY lasagna, but it would certainly have hit the spot better than gruel.

Next up was another mystery plate, and a nasty little three-way bidding war erupted among Matt, Christy and Jenna, who wrinkled her cute widdle nose at Matt for outbidding her.

The price ran quickly over $300, and Jenna's nerve finally broke when Matt pushed the price to $400. Christy had dropped out at $320. The plate turned out to be a huge cheeseburger complete with fries and condiments. For $400, it better have jalapenos on it.

The next item was something that Jenna and Heidi were most familiar with, having gotten naked for it just a few weeks earlier: peanut butter and chocolate. This time Jenna, Heidi and Christy went at it, with Jenna finally winning the day with a $320 bid.

Next up was a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and tortillas. Jeff also hinted at "something extra" to go along with the breakfast. Rob and Butch, shopping like men (quick and dirty, no window-shopping), traded a quick flurry of bids before Butch came out the victor at $400.

The go-with was a rollup bed and pillow in which to enjoy his breakfast. It wasn't exactly a suite at the Ritz, but it'll make a nice item to hawk on eBay a month from now.

Next up were a protein bar, then a protein shake bought by Rob and Matt with no prices given. Next was a piece of chocolate cake, which sweetaholic Heidi snapped up for a fistful of bills.

Then came another covered item. This one was large. Alex took it for the measly price of $240, and scored a big, steaming porterhouse steak and baked potato. To me, this was the buy of the day.

With his usual Machiavellian glee, Probst made sure everyone was thoroughly enjoying their food purchases before he brought up the next item: he held seven envelopes, each containing a letter from home for a contestant.

It wasn't quite the emotional high point I'd expected, but a near-tears Christy did finally outbid Heidi and get her letter for $340.

I found it interesting that not only did no men bid, none of them much looked up from scarfing their food to take note of the proceedings.

Jenna was sure to use this to demonize Christy, seeing as how her mom's got cancer, but then Jeff put another letter up for bid with my favorite girl's permission. I was a bit shocked that Heidi actually bid against Jenna, but Jenna did in the end get her letter.

Emotional stuff aside, it was time for the pre-challenge manuevering. Alex and Rob had a heart-to-heart, with Alex laying it down that he would vote against Rob before Heidi or Jenna. This was of some interest, since Matt and Butch had just that afternoon had a discussion about trying to swing Rob to their camp. Alex had been the beneficiary of tribal maneuvering the week before ... would he be its victim this time?

Of course, a lot of what went on had to do with who won immunity, and the challenge began with the delivery of test packets for each castaway very reminiscent of SAT packets. The questions were quite personal, though, asking each contestant's opinions on things from "who smells the worst?" and "who needs therapy?" to more penetrating issues like "who would you trust the most?"

After the tests were taken, the dominoes against Alex began to fall. Rob took Matt aside and indicated that he wanted to vote against Alex. Matt was smart enough to realize that while he's a physical monster, his game-manuevering skills leave a lot to be desired.

Rob approached Christy to ensure her alliance with him, Butch and Matt. When she discovered the target was Alex, her eyes lit up and she enthusiastically agreed.

Alex's fate all but decided, the immunity challenge came next.

The first question was "Who would you trust with your life?" and it was no huge surprise that steady Butch was the correct answer. Possibly trying to curry favor, Christy answered "Rob." Butch (yes, he picked himself, as did Matt), Rob and Jenna all scored points on that question.

Next question: Which tribe member uses sex appeal as a weapon? To absolutely no one's surprise, Jenna proved to be the correct answer, picked by Christy, Alex, Matt and Heidi. The odd three voted for Heidi. I was hoping Butch might get an ego answer or two, but no chance.

Question 3: Who is the most honest? This one was fractious, with everyone seeming to vote for themselves. Matthew took the only point won with his self-directed answer.

Question 4: Who would never survive on their own? Once again, Jenna was the correct answer. Matthew, Rob, Christy and Butch all scored here, leaving Matt with a one-point lead.

Imagine that. The attitudinal swimsuit model who's proven herself more obsessed with washing her dainties than getting a shelter built wouldn't survive on her own, in the opinion of her tribal fellows.

Question 5: Who most needs therapy? Matthew again voted for himself, and again was correct, maintaining his one-point lead. It looked like everyone but Christy and Butch picked the gangly restaurant designer as village nutcase.

Question 6: Who would you most like to see pose nude in a magazine? Jenna and Heidi voted for each other, and a blushing Heidi proved to be the correct answer. Heidi and Matt were the only ones left out, leaving Matt and Rob tied for first.

Final question: Who in the tribe do you have a crush on? Matthew, proving the fifth question was no fluke, voted for himself and lost out to Rob, who along with everyone else picked Heidi, the correct answer.

Or perhaps Matt's not crazy. He had to have known that he was NOT the correct answer. By letting Rob win, he made the computer geek feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof, and more likely to want to exercise his newfound power by evicting Alex, who had the temerity to threaten him.

And once tribal council came around, that proved to be the case, with Jenna, Heidi and Alex all voting against Matt, and the other four casting their lots against Alex. For once, things went exactly as they'd been laid out.

Could the two tribal beauty queens find their necks on the block next? Will Rob keep fast with his new alliance, or will he swing again? Stay tuned!

As ever, I welcome your comments, questions, screed or professions of undying love. Just drop me a line anytime!