They're On My List

Many times over the last couple of years, we've come together in these pages to discuss various outrages against the public consciousness, as well as beat on stupid things with a big ball-peen prose hammer.

This week, we're up to a little bit of both, I'm afraid. What has been laid before us is certainly an outrage. It goes against all good sense and reason. However, it's also profoundly stupid, deserving not just the hammer, but the big honkin' wrecking ball of righteousness.

I'm referring, of course, to VH1's recent release of its list of the top 100 songs of the last quarter-century. Granted, the 1980s and '90s weren't exactly a crucible of artistic creativity, but the best they could come up with, the ne plus ultra of rock music since 1978, was "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana.

I'm going to let that sink in for a minute while I go put "The Wall" in the CD player. I'll add some U2, R.E.M. and Van Halen just for a shuffle play.

I still can't look at the top of the list. I just can't. Is that Eminem at No. 4, still ahead of the above-named bands? Yup.

Let's look a little farther down the list and see if sanity reasserts itself at some point. Ah! Here, at No. 29, Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The U.S.A." A little low, maybe, but ... wait ... no, it simply cannot be ... at No 28 is Britney Spears "Baby One More Time."

This is madness! It must be a cruel joke. I know ... Iraqi enemy agents must have infiltrated the VH1 headquarters and planted this list in an attempt to paralyze the country with musical confusion. That's the only way I can justify Meat Loaf's masterpiece, "Paradise By Dashboard Light," coming in at No. 59, when such bits of sonic trash as "Don't Stop Believin'" by notorious hair band Journey and "My Heart Will Go On," by Celine Dion make the top half of the list.

At least "London Calling" made the top 40. I need a drink.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, that little song that never got any airplay, "Who Are You?" by The Who, ducked in at No. 87. That's right. It's apparently not as good, did not contribute as much to the culture as "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell or "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys.

Basically, Britney Spears and The Backstreet Boys outclass Bruce Springsteen and The Who, according to the VH1 intelligentsia.

They would have made it a Top 200 list, but lunch was over and they all had to get to fourth period.

The Confessional Is Open

Ah, it's good to be of help. Little did I know there was so much pent-up guilt over kid-food indulgences out there! Since I opened the Junk Food Confessional in last week's column, hundreds of you have written, pouring out your secret Little Debbie guilt, your furtive Froot Loop fixations and your naughty Nutter Butter cravings.

Some of my favorites:

Laura R., who shares my predilection for eating Betty Crocker chocolate frosting straight out of the can. I can't count the number of times I've frosted a cake to a bare molecule's thickness so I'd have plenty of frosting left over for "snacking." Laura's never tried the ultimate decadent evolution of frosting snacking, though: chocolate frosting on a Nutter Butter cookie.

Sandy Wilson who, like any good Wilson, goes to great lengths to keep the world at large unaware of her snacking habits. She hides her Lucky Charms behind the healthy "adult" cereals and then plops down to watch cartoons and scarf cereal down after the family's gone for the morning.

Paula Koala (certainly the grooviest name of the bunch) takes a favorite of many making confessions, Cap'n Crunch, and ramps up the sin quotient by pouring half and half, not milk, over it! Such richness!

Frequent writer Vernon Dale mentioned an old favorite called Puffa Puffa Rice, no longer with us, and got me thinking. Did any of the rest of you ever eat Freakies or Fruity Freakies? I remember them having some really nifty magnets and other "gimme" prizes in the boxes.

The capper has to be Weird pal Katie Grefrath, who besides a perfectly normal craving for Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls enjoys a sandwich that can most charitably be described as, well, gross: peanut butter, grape jelly, salami, american cheese, miracle whip and yellow mustard all smushed together on white bread.

Ooof. I think I need to lie down for a while.

Overall, the favorites were chocolaty breakfast cereals (Cocoa Pebbles, Cocoa Puffs, Count Chocula) and various baked treats such as Twinkies, Little Debbie cakes and Oreos. Thank you all for writing in!

Weird Summer Movie Pick

Last summer, I brought to your attention a select handful of movie which, for various reasons, were perfect picks for summer viewing.

Here's one to add to the list: "Cast A Deadly Spell," starring Fred Ward (of "Remo Williams" fame), Clancy Brown ("Highlander" fans will know him as The Kurgen) and none other than Julianne Moore as a double-dealing torch singer.

The scene is Los Angeles, 1948, and magic has become an accepted part of life. Ward plays a hardboiled Marlowe-mold private eye who may just be the last man in L.A. who doesn't use magic of any kind. The Necronomicon's up for grabs, Cthulhu is knocking on the astral door, and all heck breaks loose. It's one of the better two hours I've spent recently.

Orange Shirt Day!

For those of you who remember from last year, this coming Friday is Orange Shirt Day! This year, we're celebrating especially big because the founder of the holiday, Gene Sugano, suffered a subdural hematoma (bleeding in the brain) during a martial arts tournament in September of 2002 and just about shuffled off to that great orange hall in the sky.

For full coverage of Orange Shirt Day and some nifty party ideas, click here and head over to this week's Short Orders column!

I welcome your comments, complaints, stories and professions of undying love. Large cash grants are also accepted. Just click here, type and send.