Fuzzy Menace II: The Rogue's Gallery

Well, we may be having trouble tracking down Osama bin Laden. It may have taken a small-town cop on patrol to bring in Eric Rudolph when the might of the FBI was useless. The mysteries of the Bermuda Triangle and the Loch Ness Monster may still escape our gimlet gaze. But take heart, friends! All is not lost.

When it comes to intelligence gathering, mystery solving and fugitive nabbing, no organization on this watery blue globe can hold a candle to the Alert Reader Brigade of the Weird Chronicles. A few weeks ago, I asked you to send me pictures of Evil Squirrels in action, and you ARB members came through magnificently.

Thanks to you, the fearless photogs, we have captured here the horrifying visages of six of the most-wanted Evil Squirrels along with a rare picture of one of their henchmen.

Our first fugitive from justice was captured at long range by ARB member Corinne, who was innocently surveying her birdfeeder in Birchwood, Wis., when she saw atop it the notorious cold-climate ringleader Whitey "Mr. Frosty" Snowdigger. Whitey is a widely known wintertime fiend, having committed acts ranging from advanced thievery to property damage in towns from British Columbia to Prince Edward's Island. His white coat makes him blend in naturally with snowfields and white-barked trees. However, he has a weakness for spring greens, and this led to him being captured in the midst of this birdfeeder raid. No doubt he had already pillaged all the available green garden shoots and was looking to stuff his greedy maw with more ill-gotten goodies.

Our next offender comes from Christina Greco, in Parma, Ohio. My spies in the Evil Squirrel organization couldn't come up with a name for him, but his actions certainly mark him as a leader of the pack. According to her, "We weren't sure if this was a male or female, but I named it Cartman because of its huge derriere.

There was even an attack on myself by Cartman. I was sitting in the back yard at the picnic table eating a snack and Cartman 'flew' from the fence at me. I screamed like a little girl with a skinned knee and ran away from the picnic table. Cartman did not run, but rather stood on top of the table starring at me, with a look on his face that said, 'Lady, what the heck are you screaming about? You're a loser!' My boyfriend says that he's never seen me run so fast in my life. I lowered my head in shame and hid in the house."

Of course, it all began innocently enough. Cartman was a friendly fellow, seemingly. He would scamper up on the deck while Christina and her boyfriend had lunch and cadge bites of peanut butter sandwich, delicately eating the peanut butter and leaving the bread as a bribe for his avian allies. He became more assertive, eventually brazen enough to go after the jar of Skippy itself!

If you're in Parma and a pudgy furball tries to make your acquaintance, notify the nearest ARB member at once and get him on film!

One of the toughest sorts of folks around is a New Jersey biker. Pasquale here is no exception. He's one of the roughest, toughest Hog masters ever to swing a leg over a two-wheeled dragon and take to the road. However, according to ARB branch manager Alisa Heeber, Pasquale's toughness was no match for the allure of this furry felon, who approached the biker on St. Petersburg Pier near Tampa, Fla., and soon had him handing out treats and giggling like a schoolboy.

Before you chuckle at brawny Pasquale, you should know that he was at the mercy of none other than the feared squirrel mentalist Blinky McSwirls, whose tail alone has enough mesmerizing power to enslave all but the mightiest and most focused of humans. During a recent encounter, McSwirls left a pair of ARB field researchers scratching at the pavement and clucking in circles, convinced they were a pair of chickens. Avoid him at all costs!

Even our public picnic spaces aren't safe. On a recent weekend outing in Kingwood, Texas, Melissa Giraldo was enjoying her sandwich and fruit with some friends on the edge of the local golf course when they suddenly realized they were being stalked. With a combination of terrifying feints and mind-bending cuteness, the menacing tree rodent seen in the background here quickly subdued the picnickers and had his fill of their lunch, spreading squirrel hair and cooties over whatever he chose not to consume.

Their attacker was, fortunately for the party, not the mental giant of the squirrel world. Having learned at an early age that he wasn't going to make the honor roll in Squirrel School, Benny "Mumbles" Fuzztail managed to figure out the right combination of menace and cuteness to keep his belly full. Beyond that, he spends most of his time falling out of trees and confusing golf balls with candy.

This picture, sent to me by our staunch allies at ScarySquirrel.com, shows the true menacing face of these furbearing housebreakers. The slightly out-of-focus shot reveals the sheer terror evoked in the photographer at the sight of the invading rodent.

Our field agents tell me this shadowy figure is none other than the infamous squirrel revolutionary Fluffy Razortail. Damaged in his youth by being saddled with the name "Fluffy," he developed a simmering rage disorder and at some point decided humanity was to blame for his suffering. He has openly advocated, in public speeches and in his famous mainfesto "Cute No More!" the abandonment of traditional squirrel strategies in favor of open attacks with teeth and claws.

So far, his campaign has not been terribly successful, owing to the fact that most of his strike forces can be thrown into complete disarray by proper application of a garden hose.

This next-to-last photo, provided by ARB recruit Paul Merrey, is a rare shot of a squirrel lackey, in this case a raccoon, sent to scout for goodies. In this case, the Merreys, who were briefly under the spell of a concentrated blast of squirrel cuteness, had actually fallen to setting out a tray full of peanuts for the furry bullies.

In this case, however, the Evil Squirrels' plans backfired. Presented with the bounty of peanuts, the raccoon shook off the mind control imposed on him and began to greedily devour the fresh-roasted morsels. An ugly scene followed, with three squirrels advancing upon their former thrall and attempting to chastise him severely. As anyone who's ever dealt with a ticked-off raccoon can tell you, their efforts were unsuccessful.

We'll close out this week with a ray of hope, provided by dynamic duo Don and Becky Thomas. They detected a marked increase in squirrel activity in their area, and began to suspect that a nearby hill had been turned into an underground Evil Squirrel headquarters. With Becky as a treat-offering decoy, Don grabbed his trusty camera and soon snapped the only known picture of Generalissimo Bucky Sharptooth, much-sought leader of the entire Evil Squirrel operation!

Normally, Sharptooth is surrounded by trained ferret bodyguards. His presence alone here can only indicate that the Evil Squirrels have become so confident, so complacent, that they no longer fear discovery. We have dispatched a crack team of loyal cats to dig up and destroy the headquarters.

Wait ... I'm receiving a bulletin from our field personnel. Apparently our reliance on cats to do anything other than eat and sleep has led to problems. The squirrel HQ has been completely evacuated and the cats are presently napping 100 yards away from it, bushwhacked by piles of catnip-laced tuna left at strategic spots.

So they may have escaped this time, but the Evil Squirrels know we're on their trail. We'll get them yet! Keep your eyes peeled and keep sending those field reports and photos in. We'll update every time enough information has assembled.

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