After a full week of exposure to the news and entertainment provided by our modern culture, I've decided I've had enough. I'm going to shuck it all and pursue a simpler life.
Herewith, a list of a few things I'll be happy to get shut of:
Bennifer: Get married or don't, break up or don't. And stop whining about the press "hounding" you when you set up so danged many obvious photo ops. You don't want press? Star in a Kevin Costner movie.
Hurricane hysteria: For the 300 million or so of us who were in no way affected by Isabel, the coverage was a little much. A Houston station sent their favorite pudgy little stormchaser to Virginia Beach so they could get local only footage of him being blown back and forth. The only problem was, the bodies of all the other local TV personalities doing the same thing were creating a windbreak.
Low-carb beer: Where I come from, we've got a name for this stuff: water.
Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Pill: I'm sick of the ads for prescription drugs that spend 58 seconds rhapsodizing about how the drug will do everything from re-grow hair to make you more attractive to make you lose weight without exercise ... and then two seconds babbling a list of potential side effects that are so alarming you're left wondering if the drug should be sold or just burned on the shelves.
Lawyers who advertise on TV: The fact that you spend thousands of dollars on TV ad campaigns full of fake victims crowing about huge imaginary settlements truly makes me want to do business with you. If your cases are organized as poorly as your ads are, I'll find myself being found guilty of murder when I was trying to sue someone for malpractice.
Stephen King: I love ya, Steve, but if you don't quit writing for Entertainment Weekly and working on screenplays and give me the rest of the "Dark Tower" series, I'm going to head up to Bangor and cut your phone lines.
California: Apologies to the good citizens of that state, many of whom I know and like a great deal, but between your gubernatorial train wreck, the cultural wasteland that is the entertainment industry and the continued presence in the public consciousness of the Olsen twins, you won't be missed.
But Scott, you may ask, how are you going to escape all these things? What magic portal are you going to step through to allow you to shuffle off all the annoyances of everyday life?
It's very simple. Inspired by one of the few truly entertaining movies of the summer, I'm going to become a pirate. And I've picked a fortuitous time to do so, because it just happens to be Talk Like A Pirate Day!
As faithful readers will know, one of my very favorite days of the year is Orange Shirt Day. In that spirit, when I learned of Talk Like A Pirate Day I couldn't help but be intrigued. Of course, this being the modern age, these pirates have set up shop on the Internet, where they'll teach you how to talk like a pirate, help you find your true pirate name, and help you define what kind of pirate you truly are. Er, excuse me, what kind ye truly be.
To get you started, here are the Top 10 Pirate Pickup Lines, as written by Cap'n Slappy and crew:
10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin', I'm 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
And the No. 1 pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is ...
1. Prepare to be boarded.
If that's piqued your interest, and you'd like to buckle on a cutlass and join the merry crew, just come aboard and explore the Talk Like A Pirate experience!
Don't write and ask me anything about being a pirate, though. I plan to be commandeering a skiff down Galveston way and setting off for the Louisiana coast in search of the lost treasure of Jean Lafitte. That'll be me with the rakish eyepatch and impeccably tailored dungarees, gazing through a Sharper Image spyscope toward the horizon.
I welcome your comments, complaints, stories and professions of undying love. Large cash grants are also accepted. Just click here, type and send.
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