Who Wants Dessert?

Ah, it's fall at last! Here in Texas, of course, that doesn't mean a whole lot. The high temperatures still hit 90, and the concept of "fall color" is limited to sunburned snowbird tourists on the Gulf beaches.

However, there's a change in the quality of the sunlight, and a general relaxation that seems to come with the longer nights and eventual cooler temperatures. The grass starts to grow a touch less vigorously, and the Evil Squirrels start madly digging holes in every grass-covered surface, burying their winter fodder.

It gives one time to pause and reflect a bit, to reminisce and remember.

In that spirit, this week we're going to look back at some of the stories we've covered in recent history and see what's new.

Battle Of The Bulge

Seattle has long been a hotbed of counterculture and "cutting-edge" thinking, so it's only natural that the biggest blast across the bow of the food-lawsuit nutburgers comes from that neck of the woods.

Head into the 5 Spot restaurant, and co-owner Jeremy Hardy will serve you some of the best grub in town. When it comes time for dessert, though, you might want to have your lawyer along.

Ticked off by the lawsuits brought against fast-food companies by oversized folks who blame the burger "pushers" for their condition, Hardy has invented a dessert called "The Bulge." This chaotic confection is composed of a floured and deep-fried banana, which is then rolled in sugar and topped with ice cream, whipped cream, caramel and chocolate sauces and nuts.

Before you dive spoon-first into this sugary goodness, however, you'll have to sign a waiver. The document, which Hardy had drawn up by a real, live lawyer, releases the 5 Spot from liability should consumption of The Bulge lead to "love handles, saddlebags, or junk in the trunk."

This is the sort of thing that brings joy to my heart. Not only is Jeremy Hardy protesting against the weak-minded yahoos who seek to blame everyone but themselves for their girth, with the waiver he's also mocking the legal buzzards who circle the deep pockets of the fast-food giants, seeking to feed off their clients' emotional vulnerability and the defendants' unwillingness to have the spectacle dragged out in public.

Jeremy Hardy, I form my pudgy fingers into a salute in your direction, then return to my pint of Ben & Jerry's Uncanny Cashew ice cream.

Kokomo Revisited

Alert Weird Chronicles field reporter Marcus Riley sent in an article on the long-awaited acoustic analysis of the Kokomo Hum.

The Hum, for those of you unfamiliar with the issue, is described as a low-frequency noise that has been compared to everything from an engine idling to a cat purring that's been blamed for everything from diarrhea and heartburn to headaches and mental disturbances. The residents of Kokomo, Ind., have suffered from it for several years. Theories have run the gamut -- flying saucer engines, secret government experiments and industrial sources have all been blamed at one time or another.

Now, courtesy of an expert paid by Kokomo to track down the sound, there seems to be an answer. Acoustics researcher Jim Cowan has traced the low-frequency noises to a fan at the Kokomo Chrysler plant.

That's right. A fan. All the years of suffering, upset, hysteria and media speculation have boiled down to a sound source the likes of which you probably have hanging from the ceiling somewhere in your house. Personally, I've got a bedroom ceiling fan that, if turned above low, creates a squeaking noise that will have the cats clawing at the Sheetrock, trying to get at the wiring and disable it.

The factory and the Kokomo city fathers are going to put their heads together and try to come up with a solution to the problem.

May I suggest a large can of WD-40, or a healthy dose of good old-fashioned axle grease?

More Weird Food

Maybe it's not exactly a look back, but weird food has always been a hot topic here at the sprawling suburban Weird Chronicles complex. This week's installment comes from Shaker Heights, Ohio, where a Public Works employee has been forced to discontinue his dietary practices by his superiors.

One of the many functions of the Public Works environment is to trap and remove nuisance animals from urban and suburban areas, and frequently those animals are of the raccoon variety, well-known for their love of residential garbage cans and bird feeders.

According to the story, the unnamed employee would, on occasion, take trapped raccoons home to his family for dinner rather than disposing of them by more officially sanctioned methods. Other than the fact that raccoons are known carriers of rabies, this wasn't a huge problem, but the city fathers have put the kibosh on it in the interest of public image.

I'd like to move to Maine and institute a similar "trap and dine" policy on nuisance lobsters. I'm sure there are plenty of seaside residents who'd thank me for saving their toes from, say, a couple of five-pounders a week.

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