Review: 'Alien Vs. Predator' A Mismatched Battle

'Alien Vs. Predator' (PG-13)(out of four)

One word of advice to writer and director Paul W.S. Anderson: Audiences will never take a movie with "versus" in the title seriously -- and neither should you.

Just mull over a few of these esteemed classics from cinema's past: "Freddy vs. Jason," "Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla" (part one and two), "Earth vs. the Flying Saucers," etc. These were not movies that strived to reach the upper echelon of the art form, but were made to be fun and forgettable Saturday afternoon distractions. The problem with "Alien vs. Predator" is that its very premise is not right for a movie of this sort.

Yes, I am aware of the four "Alien" films, the two "Predator" films and the comic books that have envisioned epic battles between these species. To some degree this is a box office sure bet, drawing on so many franchises and fan bases that it is guaranteed to catch the curiosity of a wide range of moviegoers. But in terms of raw premise, this meeting of the monsters never quite clicks.

For starters, consider the two parties in this sci-fi showdown: In one corner there are the other-worldly monsters from the "Alien" movies, which can exist in any environment, have acid for blood, and wait in the dark corners of spaceships to pounce on their victims. In the other are the Predators, who can make themselves invisible, use their heat vision to stalk their prey here on Earth, and then swing down with razor-sharp spears and other assorted weapons to complete their bloody mission.

Their similarities are hardly the stuff that movies are made of. They are invisible and hidden, known for their mysteriousness as the nameless, faceless threats that could attack at any time. And it is enough to make one wonder how a feature-length movie could ever focus solely on these two creatures that, by their very nature, never talk and are rarely even seen.

The answer is it can't.

"Alien vs. Predator" is not about aliens or predators at all, but is rather a 60-minute movie about a doomed archaeology mission that slowly discovers these monsters, and then a 20-minute short film that watches as these species finally turn on each other. Yes, after all the anticipation, speculation, and adulation, it comes down to 20 minutes of screen time and two battles, marred by shaky camerawork and one-dimensional monsters.

For those insistent on learning about the plot, try this on for size: Charles Weyland (Lance Henriksen), a wealthy tycoon, uses satellites to scan the planet for mineral deposits.

During a sweep of Antarctica, his devices pick up a "heat bloom," and closer scans reveal a hidden, buried pyramid. Within a day, he has assembled an elite team of scientists and explorers, led by Alexa (Sanaa Lathan) who divides her time between environmental causes and scientific exploration, to descend beneath Antarctica’s surface and explore this buried treasure.

What they find is an ancient structure with a link to human evolution, an archaic trap set by the Predators who soon come running in, weapons drawn, ready to kill. This situation grows even more dangerous due to a mother Alien, who has now awoken from her century-old slumber and starts depositing eggs which will yield a whole new generation of killers.

There is admittedly some camp value to be found here. Anderson's script and his cast take themselves so seriously while battling outer space creatures a mile under the South Pole (in a pyramid built by not one, but all of the ancient cultures) that we can't help but chuckle, and the final twist in the story leads to perhaps the oddest odd couple in the history of the movies.

But in terms of scares, action, and surprises, "Alien vs. Predator" falls short where it matters most.

The scenes of suspense become repetitive, always focusing on one to three humans, trapped in confined spaces, waiting for something to jump out of the shadows. It is the on-screen equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel.

The two climactic battles between the species occur in rapid bursts and leave us feeling unsatisfied, failing to deliver in the end what was promised in the setup.

Most depressing though is that this blockbuster’s one big surprise does not add to the story’s tension or spectacle, but rather reduces it by making these monsters less scary and interesting.

About an hour into "Alien vs. Predator," one of Weyland’s researchers carefully explains the back stories of our planet, the Predators, and the Aliens, turning to his colleague and asking, "Is it starting to make sense?"

If only Anderson realized that we never needed, or wanted, it all to make sense in the first place. Less talk, more action: That should be the sole goal of any movie using versus in the title.