Celebrity Chatter: Awards You'll Never See

Remember when the Academy Awards were the only game in town? I'm telling you, by next Sunday I'm going to be on award overload. I've already seen the red carpet fashions at the Golden Globe, heard everyone wax poetic over the little movie "Sideways," I've been SAGged out, BAFTAed, and Grammied and as much as I love the group I'm a member of, the Broadcast Film Critics Association, I think that's when my award overload started.

So in the spirit of award overload, I decided to do my own Celebrity Chatter awards in honor of this year's Oscar.

THE I DESERVE AN OSCAR AWARD goes to Martin Scorsese. While "The Aviator" is a wonderful film, it's probably not the one Scorsese should win his Oscar for. But, heck, the guy's been gypped in the past, so let's give it to the man just because he deserves it. Otherwise, he'll be getting some Career Achievement award, which is like saying, "Hey, we never really gave you an Oscar, so here's one for your mantle."

THE 'I DESERVE BEST ACTOR, BUT I'LL PROBABLY GET THE SUPPORTING ACTOR' AWARD. I do believe it's a great thing that Jamie Foxx was nominated in two categories. The guy is definitely worthy of two trophies. I've interviewed him one on one and he's genuine and a talented actor. My only concern is that maybe he was nominated in two categories because Leonardo DiCaprio or someone else will win best actor and Foxx can get the consolation prize Oscar, Best Supporting Actor. Sorry I'm not mincing words, but Best Actor is more prestigious.

THE POOR MAN'S JOAN RIVERS AWARD goes to Kathie Griffin. Why E! insists that she should be part of their fashion team is beyond me. Is it because she decided to do her own private The Swan and get a complete makeover from head to toe? By the way, did she apologize to Dakota Fanning for joking the 10-year-old kid was checking into rehab "for drugs and alcohol"? It happened during her red carpet rant at the Golden Globes in January. What will she come up with next Sunday?

GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE GIFT BAG AWARDS. The swag keeps growing as organizers entice celebrity presenters and performers with gift bags that last year were worth upwards of $100,000. These aren't your coated almonds in a tin cup bridal gift bag either. Last year, stars received a 43-inch Samsung HDTV, jewelry, champagne, and designer jeans. The contents of the loot are kept under wraps until closer to Oscar day.

THE DON'T TAKE YOUR KID TO WORK OSCAR. I'm not sure why it seems odd to me when stars have their kids on the red carpet. It just seems like it is an adult event and unless the child is nominated for the Oscar, I'd probably get a sitter.

AND CHAPTER II, IT'S GOOD TO BRING YOUR MOM TO THE AWARDS AWARD. I think it's great, however, when stars bring their parents to the event. After all, my mom was a stage mother (in a positive way) and if I had the chance to take her to the swanky event and thank her in front of millions of people for making me who I am today, I'd do it.

THE 'I'M JUST HERE BECAUSE MY PUBLICIST TOLD ME TO BE' AWARD. I don't have anyone specific in mind, but I did wonder why Andy Garcia and Kevin Bacon were presenting at the Grammys.

THE 'I'M TOO COOL TO ACCEPT MY AWARD' AT THE OSCARS AWARD. If you're not really on location at some exotic locale and you are nominated for an Oscar and may win, you probably should try to show up at the event. I'm sure a designer would love to dress you in a gratis gown and free diamonds or a tuxedo company will rent you a suit.

THE 'YOU DON'T BELONG AT THE OSCARS IF YOU'RE JUST A REALITY STAR' AWARD. If you're claim to fame is that you married 'The Bachelorette' or that you boiled rice on "Survivor," you probably shouldn't appear on the red carpet.

Janis, Joss and More Stuff

One of my old pals from Boston wrote to tell me that she was very excited to hear about the reality TV show that will be a tribute to Janis Joplin. You remember the old story of me playing in a Janis clone band in my New England days in the early 1980s.

Anyway, I had a couple of folks write it to ask me what I know about the show.

It's called "Search for the Pearl" and it's part of "The Joplin Project," a three-phase celebration of the singing, the style and the unique world of Janis Joplin, according to its organizers.

"The Joplin Project" will include "Search for the Pearl," a televised talent search that will look for a modern-day Janis, a concert tour featuring the winner of the talent search and a televised all-star tribute concert that will be filmed for later broadcast and will feature Joplin-inspired performances by a wide array of international recording stars.

Find out more at www.janisjoplin.tv.

Meanwhile, I didn't mean to slight that fantastic singer Joss Stone in last week's column. I believe that Joss is a fantastic talent and was absolutely amazing at the Grammy Awards. My point last week was that Melissa Etheridge showed courage and astounding resilience in her performance, baldhead due to chemotherapy and all.

So, Joss fans, I love her, too.

Britney's Boy Toy

It appears that Britney Spears has taken a break from her career to concentrate on cleaning up the act of her man, husband Kevin Federline. For followers of this column, you know that I'm not a huge fan of Federline because he was dating Spears, while his former girlfriend Shar Jackson was on the verge of having his second child.

I guess that's all been tidied up and Federline told a magazine that Spears even made pot roast for the kids and is trying to be a great step mom.

Look for Federline with the couple's Chihuahua Bitbit in the upcoming edition of Esquire magazine. Oh, he's also interested in starting up his own fashion line of clothes. Gentleman, get out the plastic.

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Michelle Solomon's gossip column, Celebrity Chatter, usually appears each Monday. E-mail us with questions or comments. Michelle Solomon@Celebrity Chatter.