Review: Truth Is, 'Rumor' Is Awful

'Rumor Has It'(out of four)

The most ridiculous of the rumors behind the dreadful new romantic comedy "Rumor Has It" is that there is still a population of people concerned with Kevin Costner's sex life.

Here's a reality check for the film's studio, Warner Bros.: We haven't cared for quite some time now.

The ads for this not-so-hard-to-predict-train-wreck boast that the comedy is "based on a true rumor," yet wading through what passes as a marketing plan, er, story in this Rob Reiner ("Alex & Emma") vehicle points to four rumors that don't quite hold up to reality.

First, the details: Sarah (Jennifer Aniston) is heading home for her sister's marriage in Pasadena. She's not looking forward to it because she says she doesn't like her family. And Jeff (Mark Ruffalo) is not looking forward to it because Sarah's anxiety has made her a huge pain in the rear.

Sarah is afraid of flying, embarrassed by her family and unhappily engaged -- in fact, she tells Jeff she's not going to tell her family about the engagement because she doesn't want to steal the attention.

Ah, but she seems to forget this lay-low strategy during her sister's rehearsal dinner.

Jeff comments that Sarah must have been conceived right around her parent's wedding night because the wedding date and birth date are so close. This leads to Sarah's investigation which yields a most uninteresting revelation: Before her wedding, Sarah's mother went off for a week with a young man, Beau Burroughs (Kevin Costner). And a classmate of Beau's wrote the book "The Graduate" after Beau apparently slept with not only Sarah's mother but also with Sarah's grandmother, Katherine (Shirley MacLaine).

Enjoy explaining this to any children in the audience.

All of this leads Sarah to track Beau down, to whom she is immediately attracted.

Is this premise as boring to read as it is to write?

Rumor No. 1: Jennifer Aniston is, by her very presence, funny.

Reality: Aniston has proven to be funny in spurts, but only when allowed to play off other characters, such as her ensemble work in "Friends." "Rumor Has It," however, never gives her that sounding board, but asks her to carry the film as a neurotic, callous and selfish princess. Seeing a wealthy Pasadena girl shriek, sob and shake her head is not what most would deem "hilarious."

MacLaine, however, knows how to bring a sense of sarcasm and fury to her hilarious, tough-talking granny.

MacLaine, though, Aniston isn't.

Rumor No. 2: The thought of three generations of women sleeping with the same man is good material for a holiday comedy.

Reality: Sex, outside of Hollywood that is, is typically a thing that carries with it some amount of emotion. Most normal people, and this has been proven in scientific studies, would thus feel conflicted in throwing themselves at their grandmother's lover.

Those same studies indicate that only a small percentage would throw themselves at Kevin Costner -- the 1988 Kevin Costner, that is.

Rumor No. 3: We will root for the reconciliation of Jeff and Sarah after Sarah betrays Jeff's trust for a tryst with beautiful, balding Beau.

Reality: Typically, if an engaged person has sex with someone who did not offer or accept the ring, that is considered cheating. In most cases -- outside PR-driven Hollywood couples that is -- cheating is a cause for anger. And simplistic apologies by a partner who says they just wanted a little "adventure" are typically not enough to get a fiancé back.

Rumor No. 4: Rob Reiner is still a director of merit.

Reality: We can only judge him by his most recent work. "Rumor Has It" is not funny, interesting, intelligent, honest, fun, or in good taste.

Thus, through the transitive rule of film criticism, Rob Reiner is no longer a director worth two hours of our time, much less our $10.