Who's The Daddy?

Dear Double Take,
I recently found out I am pregnant. Unfortunately, there are two possible fathers.
The first possibility is my ex of a year and a half. We broke up in February after two bad nights of heated arguing. I haven't talked to him in the past two months with the exception of the other day when I called to say he might possibly be the father. I love him to death, and I think that if those two nights had not happened, we would still be together.
The other possibility is my current boyfriend. I work with him, and we live together. Our relationship is only two months old. If the baby is my ex's, I don't think my boyfriend will love my child as much as he would his own child. He has a 7-year-old daughter who I adore, but he never spends any time with her and really isn't a model father, which scares me. Also, because my ex has been thrown into the mix, my current boyfriend has mentioned abortion so that he and I can go back to normal.
If it is my ex's baby, do I go back with him and raise my child with its biological father, or do I stay with the new boyfriend simply because the ex and I are over? If I go back to my ex, things at work will be seriously screwed up for me and cause added stress.
I love both men and I know that a baby should not determine who I am with, but I have to think of what is best for my child and me. The current boyfriend is pressuring me into making a decision right now. The ex is being an amazing friend and just telling me to do what I think is best for me and the child.
Who do I choose? What do I do? Would it be better to just do it alone for now?

ALANA SAYS:

The tone of your letter speaks volumes. You didn't say one negative thing about your ex, but you have all kinds of doubts about your current boyfriend.

That's not to say you should go back with your ex right away. Obviously the two of you have relationship issues to address other than your pregnancy. But it certainly doesn't sound like you want to stay where you are.

Of course, the paternity answer will be helpful in determining which guy you should keep involved in your life. But your views of these guys now, before you know the paternity, suggest you shouldn't be with your new boyfriend -- period.

You need to get your own place -- again, regardless of paternity. You're right; your relationship shouldn't hinge on your child's father. You need to do what makes you happy, and you don't know what that is right now. Being on your own for a while will help you figure it out.

EDDIE SAYS:

Alana's right that it's pretty clear your current roomie isn't the man for you, though you may have a connection with him that lasts the rest of your life.

Something led to those fights with your ex, though you don't say what it is. I worry that he'll seem like too rosy of an option just so you can get away from something that doesn't seem to hold much promise.

Get away from them both. I don't hear any clamoring to wrest custody of the kid from you from either potential papa, so you know you need to prepare for that, and you should be ready to do it on your own.

Once you get settled, you can figure out paternity through the marvels of modern medicine and chart the right course.

You other readers have probably already reached this conclusion, but let's end with this bit of advice: If you're moving in with someone and there's a chance that someone else got you pregnant, you're probably moving too quickly.

Dear Double Take,
My husband and I have been married for six months. Each of us brought a beautiful daughter into the relationship. We are lucky to have a loving family, and although we face the normal pressures of a blended family, everything seems to be going along great.
There is one problem -- my husband's ex-wife.
She not only calls my husband on an almost-daily basis for issues which do not, in any way, involve their daughter, but she calls his parents on a weekly basis.
She is constantly inviting his parents over to her house, out to dinner, anything she can think of. Last week, she took his mom to a play. She claims it is for their daughter to see her grandparents. But this is my husband's parents, and he takes their daughter to see them.
Is this normal? I try not to let it bother me, but it does. She will not stop calling them. She has a family of her own that she is very close with who all live within five minutes of her home. She sees them almost daily, so she cannot say she does it because she has no one else.
Should this bother me? Is this normal for her to be calling his parents constantly even though they have been separated for more than six years?

EDDIE SAYS:

I recently competed in a race that was nearly twice as long as any run I've ever completed. One of the things I told myself over and over beforehand was, "Run your own race."

I could control my own pace and meet my own goals -- it didn't matter if people passed me or I passed them. I was tempted to stick with an older guy after we got to chatting, but I realized his pace would ruin me before the finish line, so I had to just let him go. Sticking to the pace at which I felt strong, I beat my goal by a few minutes.

Rather than concentrating on your own concerns and the good things you have in your life, you're watching over your shoulder to see what other people are doing. Unless you felt the ex was poisoning your relationship with your in-laws or trying to jostle you out of the way -- which I'm sure you would have mentioned -- this just doesn't affect you.

Are they following the normal roles in this situation? Maybe not. But they're not causing any harm, except that you seem to want something to break your stride. Get past it.

Instead of being so defensive and worrying about protecting your position, just keep cruising along, enjoying the journey.

ALANA SAYS:

You don't mention any personal effects from this situation, but I do wonder if you feel threatened by your husband's ex.

I don't mean you're scared your husband will be unfaithful; instead, perhaps you're jealous of the relationship she has with your husband's parents.

Trying to bond with in-laws is a trick for any married person, and seeing the woman who used to fill your role being so chummy with the couple can't feel good.

But, as Eddie says, it doesn't have anything to do with you, and there's really nothing you can do about it anyway. Just keep reminding yourself of your great new family and how lucky you are to have it.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.