My Friends Hate My Boyfriend

Dear Double Take,
I'm 19 years old and in a relationship with a man 10 years older than me who lives three hours away. We've been dating for only six months, long distance for about two.
We met by chance, and there is an incredible chemistry between us. We see each other every 10 days or so and recently went on vacation together. We're both trying so hard to make this relationship work, despite the age and distance obstacles, and right now I'm happier than I ever have been.
The problem is that every single person in my life except my best friend hates the idea of me being with him. They see how happy I am and despite that they tell me every day that I need to break up with him and move on with my life, that I'm wasting my time and I'm being stupid.
How can I make them see that this is my relationship, not theirs, and if I'm as happy as I am, they should support me and love me and at least give it a chance? I'd rather be with someone older that I love than someone closer to my age that I don't love.

ALANA SAYS:

If your letter is actually the whole story, I'm right there with you. There's no reason not to enjoy your relationship despite the age gap and keep going as you're going.

However, if nearly everybody in your life not only disapproves of your boyfriend, but feels strongly enough to tell you so, there's probably more to the story.

In my younger years, I dated a guy whom I just adored, even though my family tried to warn me he was bad news. Turned out he was, but I didn't see it until about a year into the relationship ... and after he had cheated, lied and who knows what else.

My point is that the excitement of your relationship and your adoration of this guy might be blinding you from some signals your friends and family members are picking up. Ask them honestly what their problem is with your boyfriend, and really listen to their response. If their reasons go beyond the long distance or the age difference, they might give you something to think about.

EDDIE SAYS:

Alana's right that having your friends and family think you're crazy to be with him -- not for being with someone so far away -- could be a warning sign.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it's just the age thing or something else fairly superficial sticking in their craws.

In that case, the answer to your question is simple: Forget 'em. They have your best interests at heart, no doubt, and you should thank them for that, but tell them you're really happy with the situation and wish they would stop trying to bring you down.

If they persist, keep the smile on your face and find variations on, "Well, thanks for that advice -- again -- but it still suits me. I'll let you know if that changes or I need your advice."

They should get the hint soon enough. If not, just decide that you know it doesn't matter, don't give much of a reaction and let it roll off your back.

Dear Double Take,
I am a 35-year-old single woman who is looking for a man I believe doesn't exist.
In my early 20s, I was in a relationship with a guy for seven years. It had its ups and downs -- more downs than ups -- and I think it basically wore me out emotionally. Since then, I have been looking for a relationship with a man that consists of long-term companionship, but not marriage, and physical intimacy on a regular basis.
Anytime I meet a guy and I say that I don't want to get married, he thinks that I am saying I want a one-night stand, which is not at all what I want.
How can I get what I want without sending the wrong signals? Is there a guy out there who wants what I want? And how do I explain that to a guy I just met?

EDDIE SAYS

Good topics for when you first meet a man: people you have in common, shared interests, noncontroversial news of the day, the weather and maybe some funny vacation stories.

Bad topics: The details on exactly what kind of relationship you're looking for.

Obvious exceptions to these guidelines include online dating and speed dating, where candor requires you to spell these things out. In real-world situations, you can spend time deciding if you like the guy, if he's charming and seems like a good prospect to be someone you want to talk to some more. You don't have to give everything away right away.

That probably relates to your real question: Yes, if you, ahem, give everything away the first night you meet a guy, that's all he's going to figure you're interested in right now. And most men who do the same would be in the same situation.

Generally, things that are going to last -- whether it's just a marriage or some sort of semi-permanent, quasi-casual relationship with benefits -- take a bit of time to develop.

ALANA SAYS:

What you're looking for is a long-term relationship that doesn't include marriage. Is that so unusual?

Actually, it isn't. The number of Americans who cohabitate but never marry has never been higher, so chances are good that you can find a guy who's comfortable with the prospect of a long-term relationship that doesn't include wedding bells. Heck, we hear from plenty of women whose boyfriends won't propose to them. Those guys would probably jump at your offer.

That said, take Eddie's advice. Don't spell out exactly what you're looking for on the first date. Get to know the guy first, and if things start to get serious, then it's time for the "Where is this relationship headed?" talk.

As an aside ... Your horrific seven-year relationship is far behind you. It's time to stop blaming the past for your current relationship problems.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.