Dear Double Take,I am 28 and was married for 8 years. From the relationship, I have two beautiful daughters. I was devastated when he walked when the second one was an infant, but as a single mom, I picked myself and kids up and continued through life as an independent woman.Three years later and I'm now living with a wonderful man four years old than I. He is a great step-dad to the kids, has never been married and doesn't have children but wants one.I truly love him. I sold my house and bought a new one and he and I moved in it together after being together for 20 months. We split our bills 50-50 and he helps out with the kids and the house.The issue is that we've been living together for 15 months and he has always indicated he planned for us to wed. But it's never the right time, or weddings cost too much, or why am I pressuring him when it's only been 2½ years?I want to get married. He doesn't think it's necessary. He insists we're already common-law and has even started wearing a wedding band. But it's not enough for me and I've made it pretty clear.What do I do? Do I tell him it's over? Not getting married is a deal-breaker for me. We're not married until there is a ceremony in my eyes.Am I being ridiculous in wanting to get married? It will be three years together for us in April. Is there some sort of timeline I can understand for guys? I don't want to pressure him, but the gig is up!
BETTY SAYS:I'm with you. So-called "common-law marriage" certainly isn't the same as the real deal.
You want it to be official, and there's nothing wrong with putting your foot down on the subject.
That said, it sounds like you may need to separate the emotional part of your desire to get married from the actual, rational side.
Why not write out a financial plan for a wedding? I have a feeling that once you start sketching out the costs, you might find that some more time must pass until this is feasible.
When your financial plan and timeline are ready, present both of these pieces to your partner. Now, if he gets emotional and starts ranting about how common-law marriage is the same thing and refuses to talk further about it, know that you're in for a deeper conversation about the longevity of your relationship.
Best-case scenario: He gives you a rational answer in regards to costs and time that will give you an indication that you two are compatible -- and flexible -- partners.
EDDIE SAYS:Many men do have a timeline, and it goes like this: "How can I put this off for another few months, or weeks or days?"
The reasons he has given may be the real ones, or he may just think they're convenient, or he may be using them to express fears that he doesn't quite realize he has.
I often hear friends say that they don't want to "force" a man to get engaged. Sometimes, however, a man needs to be forced to see that it's time to make a decision. Is it fair that women often have to be the one to get the ball rolling? No. Is it romantic? Not especially.
But that's how it goes. So if marriage is really a requirement for you, tell him that. Set a deadline and stick to it.
Lifetime partners often have to make good decisions for their partners. Getting him to marry you may be an example of that. So make him move.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
Double Take Archive: More Advice ... Distributed by Internet Broadcasting. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
