Dear Double Take,My step daughters, ages 22 and 28, gave me the same awful, non-thoughtful gifts as usual this year.When they were young, I wasn't bothered by it. But now they are both college graduates and Dad gets the good gift and I get re-gifted.Their father and I have been married for 15 years, I spend the same amount on them that I do my daughter -- which comes out of my pocket -- and their father gives them money. He doesn't contribute to gifts for my family.We live in a house I own and I take care of most all our household expenses. I guess they are just the image of their father. Since I put up with him, I suppose they think I should put up with them.
BETTY SAYS:Christmas is rife with opportunities to be disappointed by the ones you love.
My advice is to not let this slight affect you too personally. Christmas has set the bar far too high for the average American, who doesn't have the funds to give gifts to everyone at the same level.
So your stepdaughters gave you poor gifts again this year? Big deal. These women didn't forget you at the holidays -- they simply didn't give you the type of gifts you expected.
Next year, why not cancel your family's gift-giving tradition? Try asking your family members to donate to a charity of their choice instead. You'll feel glad that someone in need received help at your suggestion, and your stepdaughters will be relieved that they don't have to choose a not-too terrible item to regift to you.
EDDIE SAYS:Advice about how to change this pattern makes sense. It also sounds like you've never talked about this with them, and some people would suggest a conversation about airing your feelings, using "I" statements and generally making sure they know you don't appreciate the gifts.
While your stepdaughters probably don't know you feel badly, you probably have not had that chat with them because it would come off as exceedingly rude and whiny.
That's because it
would be. Gifts shouldn't be an obligation. That also means you have no requirement to continue to do all you do for them. Next year, go smaller for them if you're bothered. If, out of your own sense of kindness, you continue with great gifts, do it because it brings you joy -- or you enjoy their pleasure -- not because you expect something in kind.
And if that doesn't help, remember that most children don't love most gifts from their parents anyhow, so they could be complaining about your choices, too.
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