Planning Helps New Families Blend Together

It used to be that the typical idea of a family was mom, dad and a few children.

But, as divorce becomes more common, experts say the nuclear family is becoming less common and more families are becoming blended.

According to the Stepfamily Foundation, more than 50 percent of families include people past their first marriage -- more than 1,300 new stepfamilies are formed each day.

Yvonne Kelly, a certified stepfamily coach and counselor, said becoming blended is not always as easy as "The Brady Bunch" made it seem.

Kelly said 65 to 70 percent of second or stepfamilies don't make it. This has a lot to do with the family not being aware of what they are getting into and not fully preparing for the change.

Developing a plan can significantly increase your chances of success within a blended family, she said.

Making A Plan

Elaine Shimberg, author of "Blending Families," said you can't plan for everything, but things such as religion, schooling, housing and money need to be discussed.

Knowing what the issues will be ahead of time can help you figure out how you will deal with them and help you succeed in the long run.

"It gets harder the longer you wait," Kelly said.

Kelly said one big mistake people make thinking that love with get them through anything.

So people set expectations very high and think that the new relationship and new family will make up for losses in previous relationships, Kelly said.

But it is not realistic.

"No other person or situation can meet up to those," she said. "It doesn't always have to do with how much you love each other, it matters how planned you are."

Setting Rules

A big part of the plan should be the rules of the home.

While children of different ages require different curfews, there should be some set house rules that everyone follows. Parents need to agree on them before telling kids what they are.

Once they are made, post them where kids can read them.

If children from different families are near the same age, parents should come up with similar rules so the children feel they are fair. If you and your spouse have completely different rules, try working to adjust to a middle ground over time.

Shimberg said each parent should discipline his or her own children whenever possible. But when the parent is not present, the stepparent is in charge and should enforce the rules.

If the infamous, "You are not my mother!" line comes out, both experts recommend not taking it personally, and not reacting negatively.

"Just let the kids know you are not their mother or father and you are not trying to be," Shimberg said.

Dealing With The Exes

While everyone doesn't have to come together for the holidays, having good communication with all ex-spouses involved can make things much easier for a blended family.

The most important thing to remember, Kelly said, is to protect kids from all conflict and stress. Both experts strongly condemn speaking bad about any ex-spouses in front of the children.

"The child will probably end up feeling torn and resentful," Shimberg said.

If there are negative things said about you, stay calm.

"Don't make a big deal of it, and be the better person," Shimberg said.

If you create a safe and loving environment when they are with you, the children will notice that, not what they are told about you.

"They will be able to figure out what they like," Kelly said.

If you experience extreme bad-mouthing or difficult situations, Kelly recommends seeking help from a counselor or another professional.

Being clear and consistent with visitation is also best. Sticking to agreed times can reduce stress and help the kids feel like they have a routine.

"As adults, we don't realize how hard it is to go back and forth," Kelly said.

Having a set routine can also stop the visitation schedule or problems with the ex from consuming your life and marriage.

"You don't want to be talking about this stuff all the time," Kelly said. "It has a way of taking over."

If you have the kids only on the weekend, make sure you have a place in your home for them when they do come.

"Don't let them feel that they are sleeping on couch," Shimberg said. "Have someplace that is theirs."

Don't Force It

Even for those who do their research and have open communication, building a family does not happen overnight. It can take a number of years to create memories together.

"Don't smash. Blend," Kelly said, adding that children are on their own emotional timetable. "You guys are in love, but nobody else is yet."

Start with letting youngsters form their own relationships with their new siblings.

"Let them get to know each other without the pressure of being brother and sister," Shimberg said. "If you allow them space, they will learn their own approach."

A good way to develop a bond is to hold family meetings, where children can feel like they have some input and feel respected.

Everyone can talk about what is working and what is not. It can also be a time to plan new activities and new traditions that can help the blended family feel like a unit.

Children can help come up with ideas such as taking turns planning meals, organizing a family game night or planning a family trip.

While new traditions can bring a family together, forgetting about the old ones can be threatening for children.

Combine things with what you used to do.

"Take the best of the old and bring in the new," Kelly said.

Time Apart

All members of the blended family also need to spend individual time together.

"It doesn't always have to be one big happy family," Kelly said.

Spending alone time with your child is also important.

"Kids really need to know that their biological parent will not abandon them," Kelly said.

Both experts said it is OK to have some quality adult time away from the children to enjoy your marriage, as well. In fact, they recommend it.

Don't lose sight of why you got together in the first place.

"If you are not focusing on enjoying your marriage, you won't." Kelly said.

Kelly said it is great to show your children what a healthy, happy relationship is like.

"Considering nurturing your relationship an investment in your kids," Kelly said. "It will also give you energy to deal with other stuff and remind yourself why you are doing this."

Shimberg believes a successful blended family comes from discussion, planning and negotiation.

But she also said laughter is important. "The whole situation can be ridiculous," Shimberg said. "Life is funny and situations will come up where you have no idea what to do, so laugh."