Dear DoubleTake,I am a 25-year-old woman who has been divorced for five years.While I have dated several gentleman since, I have met all but one via online dating sites. I have recently met a couple of nice men at social events. The problem is that having utilized internet dating almost exclusively, I am somewhat socially inept at real-life dating.I am unsure as to the proper protocols to inform people I no longer believe in marriage or cohabitation. I live quite happily in a small guest house on my family's farm and have no desire to ever leave. Someone coming to live with me is not an option, as I am extremely possessive of my space, my privacy and my belongings. I have driven off my husband, two live-in boyfriends and three female roommates. I simply cannot cohabitate.In online dating, this has never been issue. I simply state these things in my profile. However, in face-to-face scenarios, I am unsure as to how and when to broach these subjects. I certainly don't want to waste anyone's time, yet it seems somewhat abrasive and presumptuous to mention these things prior to or on the first date.Besides the financial issues, I feel that love is an emotion, not a situation, and I am not opposed to a long term, or even life-time companions. I just feel that he should have his life and residence, I should have mine, and we meet in the middle in our spare time.I was raised a very spoiled only child who was kept a bit isolated from other people out on our country farm. I'm just used to having a lot of space and alone time.Can you please give me some insight in how to go about these things?
BETTY SAYS:On first dates, people often feel the pressure of speech -- that's when one talks fast and is compelled to admit things right away.
Instead of feeling like you need to tell your dates up front about your reservations about living together, why not try to get to know the guy first by just listening?
Don't feel like you need to get that deep on the first few meetings. And since you're comfortable with online dating, it's no big deal to chat up someone new if the first face-to-face date is awkward, right?
When the right guy comes around, then maybe you can bring it up.
I think most guys would feel pretty good about a woman who is secure enough to keep her boundaries. So use your independent streak to your advantage -- that's sexy.
EDDIE SAYS:Just like some women rush into wondering what the wedding will be like on a first date with a guy who seems good, you're jumping the gun. Why assume that men won't be interested in the same sort of thing you are?
Plenty of men want marriage, but you should see how many letters we get about relationships that drag on for five, eight or 10 years without a proposal. That drives some people crazy, but it would be perfect for you.
Have a few dates, enjoy some fun times and then see if you need to have a bigger-picture talk about what you want from the relationship. And what he wants, for that matter.
You may find that a guy falls for you and is hurt you don't want to get on the marriage track. But with your self-sufficiency and focus on what you want, I'm sure you can handle letting him down gently -- or at least keeping him at arm's length.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
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