Woman Finds Husband Is Already Married

Dear DoubleTake,
Fifteen years ago, I met a man. I found out a few months later he was married. By then I cared for him very much.
After realizing it was wrong, I stopped seeing him and married my then-boyfriend. My husband and I later separated for a year and I reconnected with that same man. He moved to the city where I lived. Things didn't work out financially for us, and we decided that since we were still married -- to other people -- he should move back and take care of his business with his wife and either fix their relationship or divorce.
He left and I moved on.
My husband and I worked out our issues and my kids and I moved back with him. Five years later we divorced.
A year after my divorce I reconnected with the other man and we began to make plans for the future. Before I proceeded with him, I asked if he was divorced. He said yes.
We married in 2006. In 2009, I found out he was still married. His wife texted me and asked me to have him file for divorce because she couldn't afford to. He still denied being married.
I thought that we were married and they are too, but it turns out my marriage is void. He came clean when I was taking him to prove to me he wasn't still married. We were on our way to get his divorce decree when he said we had a meeting with our pastor immediately.
So we went by the church and he admitted that he was still married. I haven't been able to see him the same way, and he wants to stay together and remarry. I need some time.
It has been three months and I still don't know if this is what I want. We each have children from our previous marriages all act like sisters and brothers. I can't separate them or cause them harm because of my unhappiness.
I don't even know if I love him anymore because of this deceit and betrayal. What should I do?

BETTY SAYS:

This is an extremely complicated situation, and it’s surprising that the ruse played out that long. So now you need to get down to the bottom of this with one simple answer -- why won't he sign the divorce papers?

We know it may be a financial problem, since his wife told you she couldn’t afford to file the papers. And a divorce might affect an inheritance in some way, so maybe that’s it.

Those matters are separate from the fact that he’s been lying to you for years about his marital situation. If you stick around, you’re still vulnerable to untruths.

You’re headed in the right direction by taking some time to decide what to do next. It’s good that you recognize the betrayal and know that you have all the power to walk away from the relationship if need be.

And know that the children can still remain friends even if you two break up. Families change, but young pals don’t have to.

EDDIE SAYS:

I think even if we told you the only possible course of action here was walking out the door and not looking back, you would still end up back with this guy again in 18 months, and who knows how many other women he would have married in that time?

Whatever you should do, it sounds like what you will do is stay with this guy. And you give clues of that, since you already have found reasons to justify staying (the kids).

So, prepare yourself for making that work. Top priority: Take care of your legal issues so you can protect yourself and your family. Get him a divorce and get married to him.

After that, you probably need some sort of counseling to figure out why he lied, what else he has lied or is lying about -- and there will be things to discover -- and what you can do after this to give him a reason to stay honest.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.