Should Boyfriend's Grandma Pay All Bills?

Dear DoubleTake,
I am 37 years old, and the mother of two. My boyfriend is 29 years old with no children.
I just moved in to his house, but now I am having second thoughts about this.
He recently was laid off from his job and I am the only one working. He doesn't seem to worry about looking for another job and this frustrates me to the point where I ignore him. He really doesn't have any responsibilities because the house is his grandmother's. He has never had to pay a bill; his grandmother pays them.
I mentioned to her that she should not be doing that. He is a full grown man who should be the one to pay his own bills.
Everyone babies him, and I don't know if I can handle this. I don't even know how to begin to let him know how I feel.

BETTY SAYS:

It certainly sounds like boyfriend dissolved into a child once you and your kids moved into his grandmother's home. Perhaps he made you a promise of, "Everything will be all right once you move into my house" but failed to explain that grandma's writing the checks. Now you're stuck in a mess of defined family roles.

His grandmother will never stop pampering him, but you can make the decision to move away. If others take care of him and he accepts it, that may mean that you and your boyfriend have dissimilar values. Also, if he were laid off and you both were living in your own home, do you think he'd still have a carefree attitude about finding a job?

What you didn't mention in your letter is how long you've been in this relationship, and what brought you both to a decision to move in together. If you've been dating for less than a year and he made his living situation sound too good to be true, it may be time to re-evaluate. After all, if you're just ignoring him every day -- that's not a loving companionship.

There are some big holes in this relationship. He's not even 30 yet, but he's got an older girlfriend with two children to take care of, he's dependent on his grandmother, he's unemployed and you're feeling pressure to keep food on the table and to let him know that you're feeling weird about your living situation. It's time for a calm, honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you both want to proceed.

EDDIE SAYS:

I doubt a conversation will do much to change this situation. I'm sure he knows he doesn't have a job and doesn't handle his own business.

Maybe the situation here is that he has enough money -- or his family has enough money -- that he doesn't have to worry about everyday expenses, so they doesn't stress him out. In fact, if that's the case, it could be that kind of stability -- or that kind of wealth -- appeals to you.

If he is rich, but lazy ... well, you have to decide which is more important.

But if he's broke and shiftless, I don't see the problem. Leave the dead weight behind. If you had a deep love with him that you just can't let go, even when it hurts, you probably would have mentioned it. But it sounds more like you're the type of person who thinks that once you decided someone is a boyfriend, you have to cling no matter what.

You don't. Cut him loose, find a place you can afford and go there without him.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.