Is Divorcing Boyfriend Ashamed Of Woman?

Dear DoubleTake,
I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 4 months. He is in the midst's of a divorce with two grown children.
I am a little bothered by the fact that he will not tell his grown children about me until after the divorce.
I understand that he wants to break it to them gently because their whole life all they have known is their mom and dad together, but they are grown adults who know and understand that their dad was not happy being married to their mom. Why wouldn't they be able to handle this news?
I almost feel like he is ashamed of me.
I have talked to him about this on more than one occasion, and every time he tells me that once his divorce is final he does not care who knows that we are together. We are talking and making future plans together, and I know that he loves me.
What should I do or say to make him understand my feelings on this?

EDDIE SAYS:

You see this as, "I want him to talk about the cool new woman he is dating."

He sees it as, "She wants me to tell my kids I'm a dirty cheater who is breaking their mother's heart."

Seems very clear to me why he doesn't want to do that.

Basically, you are being selfish about this. He's making a major change to his life that could cause untold drama and change the relationship that he has with his children for the rest of their lives. You want things to be your way because, well, you've put about one-third of a year into this.

Maybe the relationship will end up as something deep and real and lasting. For now, you need to back off and give him time to sort out the big things he must handle before dealing with your bruised ego.

BETTY SAYS:

The signals are clear: slow down! Your boyfriend has too many things going on to have a girlfriend who wants to hurry with him into the next adventure in life. After all, you've only known this man for part of year.

He's wary about introducing his children to you. If you ask, you may find that his reasons hurt your feelings. So stand by and let him choose the right time for him to set up the meet-and-greet, if it happens.

You've put a lot of faith in this relationship, saying that you've made future plans together and that you know that he loves you. It's worrisome, because it sounds like you're counting on him to make a new life with you once his divorce is final, and that may not necessarily be the case.

Just watch out for your heart. Unfortunately, from the outside, it seems like you're in a rebound-type situation. It would be terrible for you to get hurt under the ruse that your boyfriend is just being careful about his family. So in return, don't feel ashamed of yourself because of his failure to be transparent, and be suspicious of any more red flags.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.