Do Grandparents Or Mom Know More?

As a first-time parent, it's comforting to have the support and advice of other parents. When our twins arrived, Jack and I often looked toward our own parents for inside information on our new jobs as mother and father.

It was nice to hear home remedies for colds and the best way to burp. Both our moms raised three children, so they have handled their share of boo-boos and diaper disasters.

But sometimes the grandparents are given too much say, and those little words of wisdom turn into criticisms and plain old interference. When my mother-in-law recently told Jack that our children are not bathed often enough, I nearly lost it. When she said our house was messy, I wanted to ask her, "Why shouldn't it be with two little tornados and a baby?"

My friend Lynn's in-laws criticize the number of toys she purchases for her son as he sits there and plays with every single one. Another friend's mother can't stand how she dresses her children, as if the child is running around in nothing but a diaper.

I tell myself to tune it out. Let it go. It's not worth a battle.

But it's hurtful. I wonder how often they think about saying, "You're a good parent."

Jack and I are used to deferring to our parents and seeking their approval. They are older and wiser, at least about some things. But now that we are parents, who are the experts?

Grandparents are people, which means they have opinions. But many of their opinions should be kept to themselves.

When my daughter is sick, the last thing I want to hear my mom say is, "You need to take her to the doctor." That's what she may actually say, but I hear, "You're a bad mother unless you take her to the doctor."

It's hard not to put a lot of stock in our parents' opinions. I've been looking to my parents for a "good job" stamp my entire life. They were the ones who cheered me on in sports, music, drama and academics. How they see me affects how I see myself, even now that I'm an adult.

So when I make the mistake of telling my mom how the kids misbehaved, I cringe when I hear, "You kids never did that when you were little," or, "You need to nip that in the bud." She lives in this fairy-tale land where her children were perfect but mine are not. The more I hear how mine are doing something strange, I start to question my parenting skills.

I know I'm doing a good job, so why should I care what my parents have to say about it? Who cares if my mother-in-law thinks I'm not the best housekeeper?

Jack and I both care, unfortunately.

And when I really think about it, it's our fault for letting the grandparents into our parenting world so much. Our children are very lucky to have grandparents nearby who want to see them as often as possible. Jack and I are lucky to have free babysitters.

But sometimes all the access to the children and our house can be bad for the relationship. If my mother-in-law didn't see the house after a toddler toy explosion, how could she criticize? If my parents didn't know about Bridget's latest sniffle, how could they tell me to rush her to the doctor?

Luckily I can tell my own parents to back off. I may be hurt by what they say, but I can easily tell them I disagree and ask, "Did you ever raise twins?" With in-laws however, that's not the case. I just have to take it in and deal with it, rather than stew over it.

Now that I've been a parent for two years, I know I'm not an expert on anything. But I do know my children really well. Their grandparents may be great at spoiling them, but the day-to-day ups and downs are my expertise.

These people who adore their grandchildren have to realize that Jack and I may actually have something to do with how great the kids are. They have their naughty moments, but we all do.

So the next time I hear how she would have done it differently, I'll just listen and move on. Loving grandparents are priceless, but I'm the one going by Mom in this messy house.