Should Wives Have Girls' Night Out?

Dear DoubleTake,
I'm 29 years old and have been married for 10 years to a man who is 32 years old, and we have great kids.
We love and respect each other, but the only problem is I cannot have girls' night out.
Even if I go to the mall alone, he will call me to be sure if I am fine. I let him go out with his best friends for games or fight night in a bar, and he travels for work.
It looks like he doesn't trust me.
Are married girls allowed to go out to clubs or a bar with their friends?

BETTY SAYS:

Married women are absolutely entitled to a night out without a bunch of hassle from their husbands. It's understandable that he's nervous about having his wife go to clubs and bars since those places tend to be hotbeds for sleazy guys. Assure him that you'll be OK at those types of establishments if you're with girlfriends who can provide safety in numbers.

As for the bigger issue -- his clinginess -- take some time to analyze his motives. Take a piece of paper, fold it in half and title one side "thoughtful" and the other side "controlling." Then, list the behaviors that match. Caring for the kids while you're away may be thoughtful. Excessive calls while you're at the mall could fall under "controlling." Use your own definitions, but the point is to get a base before you approach him about your frustrations.

When you've finished this list, come up with a solution. Maybe he should text you, rather than call you, when you're out to avoid some urgency. Or designate an afternoon or evening each week that's carved out as "mom's time." Assure him that you love him, respect him and are certainly not cheating on him. Everyone needs some time for themselves, that's all.

Be bold about your prospects when you want to do something. Say things like, "I've planned to go out to the movies with my friends on Saturday at 5 p.m. Do you think you can watch the children while I'm out?"

One thing that will be extremely hard to do during your conversation is to keep the focus on your own freedom. Try not to backlash in a negative way by saying things like, "You always get guys' night out by going to see UFC fights." This will only anger him.

EDDIE SAYS:

Some advice columns would tell you that the calls when you are away a sign of a potential controlling abuser. But after 10 years together, I suspect you would know if he bends that direction. And I don't sense sarcasm when you say that he calls to check on your well-being.

It probably does make him nervous to not have you around, if that's what he's used to. It may just be that he gets bored at home.

But he needs to let you be an adult, and he needs to be a big boy about it. Betty's got some great advice about how to handle talking to him about it.

And if he says that he really just doesn't want you to be out in public without a chaperone, then you have some insight into what goes on in his head, and can figure out which of you needs to change to keep the marriage happy.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.