Husband Chooses Drinking, Pot Over Kids

Dear DoubleTake,
I have been married three years. But one day, my husband said he wants to leave and get his own apartment. He wants to have his friends over to drink and smoke pot, which is not allowed in the home with our 2- and 3-year-old.
So, without fighting, he left us for the fifth time, leaving me and the two kids behind. It's been a month now, and he hasn't seen us once.
He has told me he loves me. When he leaves, he says he wants to spend the night yet not pay child support or tell me where he lives.
After just buying a new home together then him bouncing out, is a sixth chance to come back worth the marriage? He hasn't worked in year and has no car. But he won't go to counseling or try hard even to show me he wants to fight for it.
I love him but don't want to wait until I'm 35 for him to get it together. I'm ready to move on to get my life caught up in bills and school.
What do you think I should do? He knows how I feel, yet he's not here. I can't seem to figure what he wants, but I'm ready for a change. I want him to take his responsibility and quit playing around.

BETTY SAYS:

You also said that child services is after your husband for payments, so you've already got an ally for your family and confirmation that he's no good. It's imperative that you make a plan to keep your family safe so that he can't hurt you anymore.

Talk to someone at your local department of family services about the best way to go about severing the ties. They may advise you to get a restraining order against him or to start divorce proceedings. It may be as simple as moving your family to a friend or relative's home for a while so he can move his belongings out of your home.

At this point, you need to stop wondering about why he keeps leaving and put the security of yourself and your young children ahead of everything. It won't be easy, but the fact that you recognize that you've become the victim in this relationship is the first step toward healing.

Your children probably won't remember all this family discord, since they're still in their early years. Know that in the future, there will be time for them to reunite with their father when the time is right.

EDDIE SAYS:

You nearly have it figured out. You cannot change this guy. He should take responsibility for his kids, he should either be with you or cut you loose. But he will not do that. He likes having you when he wants you, going off to do his own thing when he feels like it.

He has no reason to end that cycle. So you must do it. That means, as Betty says, cutting off ties with him. That sounds pretty easy if he won't get in touch with you or the kids. So stay away. Don't take his calls, don't let him visit. Tell him -- through friends, if you can -- where to send any money he can contribute, and keep working on the legal ways to get him to pay his share.

But to keep yourself sane and eventually get to stability and happiness, you just need to realize that he will not be and does not want to be the man that you want in your life.

You are better off just letting it go.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.