Father Attacks Husband; What Can Daughter Do?

Dear DoubleTake,
Late last year, I vented to my mother about some issues with my husband. At the time, my husband, a home improvement contractor, wasn't getting much work. I thought I could talk to her without repercussions.
She told my father, who became irate. He was home on rest after back surgery. One evening my husband and I, with my in-laws, went out to one of our favorite places. My parents also chose to go to the same place that evening. When my father saw my husband, he became enraged. He made quite a scene in chewing out my husband, which all the employees and other patrons witnessed. My husband and in-laws remained very polite about it all, but I felt and still feel very responsible for all that has happened.
My husband never wants to see my father again, though I have apologized to both him and my in-laws. If I could go back in time, I would have never tell my mother any of this. This has really taught me what I can and can't tell my parents.
Was venting to my mother wrong? I've asked my father to make amends with my husband. I feel what he did was too harsh and certainly at an inappropriate place and time. My husband shouldn't have been caught off guard.
What else can I do to rectify this?

BETTY SAYS:

Everyone should be able to talk to their mother in confidence. A little venting is always OK. It was wrong of her to go talking to your dad about it, and worse that he decided to make a public disturbance.

So now, awareness about what can and can't be changed in this mess is what you focus on.

It's likely that your dad will always feel some sort of resentment toward your husband because of that tantrum, maybe thinking of him as lazy because he was jobless for awhile. But you already know you can neither change other people's thoughts nor turn around the nation's economy.

The best thing to do is try to let it go. Let the anger shrink by not talking about it anymore. And if your dad and husband are fighting -- even if it means you have to spend time alone with your parents -- so be it. If it comes up in conversation with either party, just say, "It's something I don't want to get involved with anymore. Leave me out of it."

EDDIE SAYS:

Really, the only person here who behaved badly was dear old dad. You had reason to think you could bounce issues off your mom. If you didn't tell her it was in strict confidence, she naturally would talk to her husband about what's going on.

But big daddy blowing his top and throwing it in someone's face was the decision that made this hard for everyone.

You are right that he owes your husband an apology, though it sounds like that won't happen.

You need to tighten your lips around your mom, and explain to her why. And your husband, who sounds like he can take the high road even when provoked, just needs to stay there. He'll need to suck it up and be a big boy and spend time with your family. Maybe less than before, and he probably won't have as much to say to the man who gave you away at your wedding, but that's an adjustment everyone will just have to make.

Most likely, with time, everyone will let their wounds heal and settle into a new, more calm routine.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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