Cheater Wants To Be In Daughter's Life

Dear DoubleTake,
I'm in my early 40s been married for 13 years.
Several years ago, after having a number of affairs, I fathered a child with a mistress.
My wife took me back only after I promised not to try and contact the mother or the child. I loved my wife and wanted things to work, so I promised not to.
That was four years ago. Now I'm having second thoughts because I feel my child should know who her father is. (And, yes, I do pay child support regularly.)
Should I risk losing my wife or should I pursue a relationship with my daughter?

BETTY SAYS:

Your wife is trying to save face. But by ignoring her pain, she's creating a false reality where this little girl doesn't exist. If you want a relationship with your daughter, take a risk and voice your concerns.

Besides, trying to see the child behind her back isn't a good option, considering your history of cheating. If your wife finds out you've been in contact with your daughter's mom without consulting her first, she may storm out.

Take time to plan out what you want to say in hopes of staying married and starting a paternal relationship with this little girl. If your wife disagrees and decides to leave, just accept it's for the best because she's been through enough already.

EDDIE SAYS:

It sounds like you and the wife have not talked about this issue much over the last few years -- though I'm sure she just hates looking at the bank balances and seeing that debit.

Betty got it right: If you're going to have a relationship with this girl, you need to tell your wife. Unless you're comfortable choosing the daughter you don't know over her.

When you do go to her, make sure you have a good explanation about why you want to change things. Obviously, you don't have a close relationship with Betty and I, but wanting the girl to know her father is pretty vague. And, honestly, sounds a bit too unselfish. YOU want to have a relationship with her. Why?

Be prepared to answer questions like that when you have what will not be a fun conversation, and be prepared for her first reaction to be negative or even hostile. But wait a few days to see if she's willing to reconsider.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.