Boyfriend Still Lives With Ex, Kid

Dear DoubleTake,
My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months. He lives with his ex-girlfriend and their child.
My problem is his ex. She knows that we are together, but she is still causing problems. She constantly starts fights with him, especially when she knows I'm around. Whenever she talks to me, she is a nice and polite, but when she talks to him she belittles me in any way possible.
She still seems to control my boyfriend because when she tells him to do something, he does it, no questions asked. His excuse is that he doesn't want to lose his daughter. It's hard for me to believe that's the only thing keeping him from moving on for this long.
Why is he allowing her to control him so much, and what should I do about it?

BETTY SAYS:

If your life was a romantic comedy, I predict the next plot point would be the unassuming man coming along as a sign that your current relationship isn't meant to be.

It appears your boyfriend isn't ready to move on from his old relationship. Sure, he may be emotionally invested in you in some ways, but it's clear that he's attached to his ex in a much deeper way.

As a friend, allowing him space so that he can work out his life and child custody battles is the best thing you can do right now. Besides, waiting for your boyfriend to eventually move out and hoping his ex will eventually get on your good side may never happen.

Then, start fresh. Get back to an active dating life where you don't have to put up with someone who isn't freet to see you without threats of an evil ex at home.

EDDIE SAYS:

I always try to focus on the person who wrote us, what that individual can change, rather than what someone else can do.

I can't help but think of the ex here. She's gone through some sort of breakup with a man she has a child with, they obviously can't separate -- possibly for some financial issue -- and he just wants to move on, life his life, and his new girlfriend is acting like she should be the center of his world.

Maybe you deserve more attention, but if you don't want to have to share a guy, don't date one who has a child but doesn't have his own place.

Either learn to accept these limitations -- and be glad that while she clearly doesn't love what's happening, the ex is willing to be civil to you -- or end the relationship if it's not what you want.

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