Wife Wants Divorce; What Should Man Do?

Dear DoubleTake,
I have been married for 14 years, and we have one child.
My wife has told me several times she doesn't want to live with me anymore, that she doesn't love or care about me.
She basically spends most of her time out. Whenever she is home, she is always on the phone. This is causing me so much stress.
I don't want to divorce her, but that's the only option I have. I have a feeling she is sleeping around but I don't want to spend the money on a private eye. I really have great respect for her. I don’t know if I should just go through the divorce and move on with my life.

BETTY SAYS:

Holding onto a dead relationship isn't helping either one of you. She's acting out because you won't let her go, her elusiveness is causing you stress, and who knows what all this home life drama is doing to your child.

It's scary thinking of a future without your partner. But when your wife is clearly asking for an exit, perhaps it's time to think about the mutual benefits.

The good things that could come from the divorce are her freedom, your peace of mind, an environment where your child doesn't have to hear constant fighting and a chance for you to meet someone new.

Divorce is one of the toughest things a family can go through. Weigh out both sides carefully before you make your decision.

Hiring a private investigator to find out if she's cheating isn't a good idea -- that could lead to a messy fallout.

EDDIE SAYS:

The big decision here has already been made. The marriage is over, and she decided that without really giving you a vote.

Unfortunately, that's sometimes how it goes.

What you have to do is decide how to manage what comes next. Yes, you need to think about if it will ease your mind to know the details of her activities outside the house. Odds are, she's cheating. (Though she probably thinks it's OK, since she doesn't feel married any more.) Some people would be comforted to have that confirmed; others can't handle it. Be honest with yourself about which kind of man you are.

Commit yourself to keeping it as peaceful as possible with your wife and to making your child your priority. That's still your life and your responsibility.

Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.