Double Take: Is He Worth It?

Women Consider Calling It Quits With Their Guys

UPDATED: 9:27 a.m. EST January 6, 2004

Dear Double Take,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we have been living together for a year and a half. I have a 3-year-old son from my previous relationship.
My boyfriend is very impatient with my son and is always telling my son to go to his room or be quiet and stop making noise. My boyfriend has been in our lives long enough to know he needs to calm down and be patient. I feel like I have to always remind him that my son is only 3 and he wants to play and make noise. I feel as though he is always pushing him away instead of playing with him and spending time with him. I'm always stuck in the middle. I feel like I have to take sides and pick my battles between the both of them.
I don't know what to do about this relationship. I have had many arguments trying to defend my son and telling my boyfriend to stop yelling at him. I'm hoping it will get better, but at the same time I feel it's a lost cause.

EDDIE SAYS:

Here's a handy rule of thumb for determining what side to choose in an argument in your family: Defend the person who can't defend himself or who isn't old enough to know better.

In your home, you have to choose between a whiny little brat ... and your 3-year-old son.

A lot of women find themselves with men who aren't good with children, but they're somewhat stuck because of marriage or paternity of their kids. You're not. Yes, you live with him, but you have a connection to your boyfriend that is easily broken if you want something better for yourself and your family.

Perhaps if you said that your boyfriend always apologizes, or says he realizes that he's wrong and needs to work on it, I'd soften my stance. But it sounds like he takes a "not my kid, not my problem" attitude. If you stay with him, that's the man your son will think of as a father.

ALANA SAYS:

Eek -- that's not what I'd call a healthy environment for a young child.

When your boyfriend began a relationship with you, he took on your son, too -- that's how it is when you have kids. I'm sure that you considered your son when you started dating this guy (and I'd guess he was a little nicer to him in the very beginning) -- and you're considering your son's welfare now, too, which is commendable.

Your son has several years of noise and play ahead. Unless you want a sullen, quiet boy hiding in his room through his childhood and adolescence, you need to make the environment more positive for him.

Let your boyfriend know you're serious about this -- tell him he's a negative influence on your son and you think it might be best to split. It's possible he'll beg for another chance and promise to change -- but don't hold your breath on that "changing" part. It's apparent he just doesn't get it, and he can't be forced into feeling affection for the little tyke.

Take solace in the thought that there are plenty of guys out there who are great with kids. Find one of them.

Dear Double Take,
Help! I've been kind of invading my mate's privacy. One day he checked his messages from my home, and I went back through an got his passcode and have been checking his messages without his knowledge.
I've been listening to all kind of messages from different girls from all over. One girl calls every day, all the time, and he never gets the message because I erase them. She's always saying she misses him an can't wait until she is in his arms. I have called her job and told her not to call any more, but she didn't know who I was.
I want to confront my boyfriend so badly, but I don't know what to do. I think he would be really mad that I've been doing this, but I'm getting to where it doesn't matter -- I want to know what is really going on. Should I confront him or not?

ALANA SAYS:

Oh, where to start with this dysfunctional relationship. He's cheating on you, and you're invading his privacy.

Yet you both likely act like nothing's wrong. Now that would make for some interesting vibes.

You can't really believe that you've done the right thing, can you? Even if he is cheating on you, do you really want to be the kind of person who goes behind a loved one's back to find out about it?

On the flip side, based on what you've found out, you can't imagine that he's not cheating on you. So the only point in confronting him about it would be to call off the relationship. And given the circumstances behind this one, I think that's probably all for the best.

Ditch this guy, start off again clean, and trust the next one. And if you suspect a future boyfriend is cheating, don't lower yourself to his level by invading his privacy.

EDDIE SAYS:

It's not 100 percent certain that he's cheating. Maybe this girl is calling and trying to convince him to come back, and keeps calling because she's that desperate.

Of course, even the most desperate psycho will often stop calling if there's absolutely nothing in return, which makes me think that they're talking in some other way, or else you would get increasingly shrill messages screeching about why he never calls back.

But if they're in contact through other channels, wouldn't she have said, "Hey, babycakes, did you get my messages?" And he would know that he hasn't, and get suspicious.

Since she's probably said that, he probably figured out that you're a no-good snoop. So, you know he's a cheater, he knows you know, and now that you've read this -- you know he knows you know.

We've got a tongue-twister and a girl who doesn't trust with a guy who doesn't deserve to be trusted. Just end it.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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