In-Law Indignation

Dear Double Take,
I married this guy despite the fact that his parents disapproved of the marriage because I am not the same religion as they are.
But the matter is much more complicated. My husband is an only child and is very close to his mother. They speak on the phone, like, every other day for half an hour at least. This is his second marriage and he has a 3-year-old son. We live in another state, but his ex-wife and son live two blocks away from the my parents-in-law.
Last week, my husband wanted to visit his son, and because we couldn't afford a hotel, he asked me to stay back because his parents would not allow me into their house. I felt so rejected but understood that he needed to see his son (he hadn't seen him for 3 months).
He went and I exploded. I told him over the phone that if I were in his position, I would never go to my parents' house and stay for a week if they said my husband was not welcome. What made it worse is that I discovered by chance that his ex was going there as she pleases even when only he was in the house. I exploded again and told him I don't feel like his wife and that both him and his parents cared so much for his ex-wife's feelings that he banned me from there, yet he is too much of a coward to say anything. He came back home the next morning mad at me and accused me of being too possessive. Please tell me what you think.

ALANA SAYS:

I think you were right when you described the situation as complicated.

If there weren't a child involved, I'd agree with you wholeheartedly -- he shouldn't be so willing to exclude you from visits to his parents. But in this situation, if he took a stand against his parents' dislike for you and stayed away, his son would suffer the consequences.

But you have to admit that you played your own little game with him. You said you understood that he needed to go visit his son, but as soon as he left, you exploded. That's not very understanding.

I don't think you're being too possessive by feeling rejected, but you should be straight with your husband about your feelings -- and trust him when it comes to his ex-wife. If she's visiting his parents' house, that just means his parents have a good relationship with her. It doesn't mean your husband still has feelings for her.

As far as his parents are concerned: I have a hard time believing a difference of religion was enough for them to ban you from their home. I'm guessing there are other factors involved, and you probably view the relationship as irreconcilable.

But I urge you to try to repair things with your in-laws anyway. You are, after all, their son's wife. You're going to be around for the long run, and they need to know you want peace in the family. Dig up that olive branch.

EDDIE SAYS:

You may decide that you're just going to need to let your husband have some time away every once in a while. You may decide to tell your in-laws that they're just going to have to get used to seeing you when they see their son (and tell your husband that he needs to back you up). You may even decide to tell your husband that he's not allowed to visit family without you.

Whatever you choose, decide it and stick with it. Letting him go and then berating him into coming home isn't good for anyone. It makes you look like you were just testing him to see if he would do what you think is the right thing and punishing him when he failed.

You can be forgiven, however, for this one freak out, if it was the first time. From now on, you owe it to your marriage to try to keep a cooler head.

Incidentally ... I'd avoid banning him from visiting his son. If he's any sort of father, he'll choose his son over you. Maybe you can have the little guy out for more visits, too. And get over yourself regarding his ex-wife. Her remaining close with her child's grandparents and father means it's more likely the son will grow up well, rather than as a troublemaker who ends up in your lap someday. It's in your interests for her to be around.

Dear Double Take,
Everyone has a "pedestal" ex -- that person they would take back in a second (even though they would rather walk over hot coals than tell the person that) and who they secretly compare potential new mates to. For me, that guy is Ian.
We dated briefly four years ago, but he was in the military and there were just too many trust issues. We kept in touch off and on throughout that time and quite frequently in the past six months or so.
Until a month ago, he had a girlfriend. There were a couple of those "remember when?" moments, but he made it clear although he'd always have feelings for me, he would never discuss it out of respect to his current girlfriend.
They're apart now, and it would still be long distance (Indiana vs. Tennessee), but we're talking about giving it a try and meeting up next weekend. From reading your advice, I know that your solution is just to voice to him my feelings and see what he says, because at least then I'll know.
My problem is that I want so much for this to work, I just need advice to not come on too strong and slowly lead him in the direction of the relationship.

EDDIE SAYS:

Don't overthink this. Don't spend too much time worrying about how to get him where you want him. It's already going the way you want.

You still want him after several years despite the distance (something that sounds like a shaky foundation to me, but if it works for you, it works for you). You got in touch, waited patiently and respectfully for his other entanglement to run its course, and now you're getting an in-person visit.

Remember not to use the get-together just a chance to get the outcome you think you want. After four years, there can be a lot of changes. Don't think so much about figuring out how to get him to be with you; first, determine if he's really someone you want to be with, not just someone you've idealized by filling information gaps with your imagination.

ALANA SAYS:

Eddie's right on track -- take the weekend to hang out, catch up, and get to know this guy as he is now. If the first words out of your mouth are "I love you," it might make for a pretty uncomfortable couple of days.

By the end of the weekend, you'll have a pretty good idea where he stands, based on whether he treats you as an old friend or a romantic interest. If it's more of the latter, and your potential future together doesn't come up in conversation, you might mention it as you part ways Sunday evening -- but don't force it. You both might need a little time to reflect before getting serious -- and he might need more time than you, seeing as he recently got out of a relationship.

Take it slow. If he's willing to meet with you despite your geographic obstacles, he's not going to disappear anytime soon.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

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