Hot! Hot! Hot Sauces

It's the stuff of Hollywood movies, or "24" plots: the investigating agent goes undercover to investigate an addictive substance of some sort and ends up getting addicted in the process. We see his or her heroic struggle to get clean, and the addiction becomes a plot device in and of itself.

In that vein, I'm expecting Dreamworks to be on the phone shortly asking to make a blockbuster summer movie out of my quest to understand the whys and wherefores behind hot sauce aficionados.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE spicy food. I'm the guy who asks the waiter at the Tex-Mex joint to bring me a bowl of jalapeno slices to add to my food. I use Tabasco with gusto on everything from scrambled eggs to pizza. I steal ALL the pepperoncinis when we order from Papa John's.

However, the world of more esoteric hot sauces, where things with names like "Alligator Alley Asphalt," "Mausoleum" and "Kick Yo' Booty" live, had until recently kept me at arm's length.

Then came Curtis Epps.

One day, while checking my e-mail, I read a message from Curtis suggesting that I might give his sauces a try. Normally, I would have demurred. I do a fair amount of product testing, and it wouldn't be fair to the next food on the list to greet it with tastebuds freshly seared into submission by some liquid lava.

However, at the moment, my testing slate was empty, so I decided to give Epps' sauces the one-over, promising myself I'd taste one drop of each on a cracker, with a cold Shiner Bock at hand to counteract any toxic effects.

That was a week ago. The bottles are still on the kitchen counter, and I'm well into my second sleeve of crackers. I've used the sauces on fish, steak, rice, corn, french fries and eggs. While some are better on certain foods than others, they're all excellent in terms of heat balanced with flavor.

Herewith, the sauces:

VooDoo Chile Sauce (and Furniture Stripper): This one has the quickest "attack" of the bunch, hitting the front of my tongue and lighting up the capsaicin receptors satisfyingly. It doesn't last terribly long, though, so it can be used on one part of a meal without fear of everything on the plate tasting like pepper sauce. There's a tantalizing hint of sweet onion in the flavor that makes you want to try another shot just to check it out.

Cajun Bottle Rocket: My first thought was "I've tasted this before!" It's got a strong flavor similarity to the Three-Mile Island wing sauce at Hooter's, but with more flavor complexity. I'm saving the last 2/3 of the bottle for a batch of my own wings. Again, a quick attack, but a bit more staying power. Use this one if you're planning on a serious spate of spicy indulgence.

Garlic-A-Holic: If there was ever a name designed to catch my eye, it's this one. And the garlic is certainly the star. The heat that comes from fresh garlic is here, augmented with more conventional heat sources. It's plenty "warm," and makes a fantastic sprinkle-on for fried or scrambled eggs. I mixed it half-and-half with mayo to make an amazing, truly amazing, french-fry dip. Wow.

Alligator Alley Asphalt: Anyone who regularly reads the news headlines here in the food section knows well my love for alliteration, so the fact that this is my favorite of the bunch should come as no surprise. Black beans add a richness, and key lime juice adds a citrus note to what is a complex, flavorful and wicked spicy concoction. This bottle is nearly empty from frequent sampling, and the only thing I've tried it on that it didn't improve was my steak. Its flavor is very pronounced, and it WILL club to death subtler flavors left in its presence. That's really not a great loss, though, as you'll be pleased with the new taste.

Rev. Bidwell's Habanero Mustard: This was the only "off" note in the selection. The heat was a bit too strong, drowing out the mustard and any other flavors that might have been present. Think of the hot mustard at your favorite Chinese restaurant and multiply by a factor of 5, minus the sinus-searing component. This one stays in the mouth, and takes copious amounts of quenching to quiet.

Of course, I've been a bit leery of hot mustards since Barry Levenson tried to kill me with a jar of XXX Bohemian Hot Mustard. That stuff oughta be illegal. Just sniffing it had me stumbling around like a pepper-sprayed protester for 10 minutes.

If you like hot sauces, or you're a neophyte and want to dip your toes in the ocean that is pepper addiction, you can find Curtis' sauces by clicking here.

Got a topic you'd like to see covered? Question? Comment? Drop me a line anytime!