Work After Baby Feels Like Freshman Year

Returning to work after maternity leave is a lot like going into freshman year of high school.

You feel older, you think you're wiser and -- most importantly -- you have already accomplished a lot. Come on, finishing middle school is a big deal. Most definitely, the first day back at work after you've been out with your baby, whether it's been six weeks or six months, brings back the butterflies of youth.

I remember clearly the day when I went back after four months of maternity leave. I was nervous weeks in advance, my hormones were raging, I couldn't sleep, my skin broke out, and I cried at random times about random things. I drove my husband and family nuts with my incessant babble about various insecurities -- Will my boss still like me? What if someone stole stuff out of my office?

I acted just like a teenager.

How could I not? When I was out of the loop at work, it opened up a whole set of issues that I haven't had to think about since I was 14.

The first issue: What was I going to wear? I had to look good on my first day back. Just because I had been out of the office didn't mean I could look like I was out of the fashion loop. But after I had my son nothing fit right or looked good.

Solving this issue was nowhere as easy as figuring out that long equation in algebra. Weeks of studying my wardrobe and analyzing my potential outfit combinations did not exactly materialize as g = looks good on me.

After settling on a simple black dress (belted to minimize the post-baby pooch), accessorizing became the insolvable problem. Overly high heels and I was trying too hard to look cool, too dowdy of a top and I'd be the nerd in the corner. I took the middle ground -- trendy ballet flats. I looked the part of a new working mom who hasn't totally lost touch with fashion reality. I even managed to get a couple of compliments during my first day back.

The second issue: Would I be good again at what I do for a living? Even the captain of the football team gets a little rusty after a few months off. Sleep training your newborn is one thing; trying to recall who's on your client roster or how to handle a new business proposal is quite another. On a new mother's sleep-deprived, hormone-ravaged brain, it's like trying a quarterback sneak on a fourth-and-12.

So I practiced. And practiced. Luckily, my boss gave me a softball of an assignment to start me off. And while I made a few bad plays along the way, easing back into work mode certainly helped me to get my coordination back.

Then there is the issue of leaving my child in the hands of someone other than myself. I had spent numerous weeks tending to his every whimper, wet diaper, colicky cry and whine. Then I woke up one morning and it was time to entrust another human being to care for my child. It was like my best friend from middle school going to the rival high school, finding a whole new group of best friends and forgetting about me. It hurt.

Worse, it doesn't matter what type of child care one decides to use. Whether you enlist in day care, hire a nanny or beg a relative to baby-sit, the first morning you have to leave your kid behind as you trek to the office is worse than not having a friend to sit with in the cafeteria.

I decided to go with a nanny as my childcare option. It worked best for my flexible part-time schedule, and I liked the fact that my son could nap in his own crib during the day. Finding my new best friend, though, was not an easy task.

After rounds of interviews I finally found someone I was compatible with. We got along fine at first, but after a few months I decided that I had to move on. We just weren't as alike as I thought. My best friend replacement seems nice enough, but you never know.

There is one good thing about going back to work, though. Like moving on to high school, you find that classes get harder but, over time, you get used to the routine, make good friends and find that eventually it does get easier.

Sara R. Fisher is a new mom trying to look hip, work hard and raise a child -- all at the same time. Her column appears every other Thursday. You can read more from her at her blog, Self-Made Mom.