Balding Prince's Bad Breakup

I'm sure that by now you've heard the news that has rocked Britain: Prince William and Kate Middleton split up.

If you hadn't heard, take a moment now to collect yourself. And by "collect yourself" I mean "Google Kate Middleton to figure out who the heck she is."

Over here in Britain, we are a nation in shock. And by "in shock" I mean "laughing really hard."

The tabloids and broadsheets have dedicated the last several days' front pages to the fizzled affection between the two college sweethearts. Amid this nonstop media frenzy it can be easy to lose sight of what's important.

Which is this: Prince William is losing his hair and I'm not.

At 24 years old, Wills is already showing definite signs of male-pattern baldness, whereas I, at 31, maintain a full head of hair. If financial disclosure and good manners and, probably, a charming personality were ruled out of the mix, then ... well, I still wouldn't stand a chance with Kate. But, I would have a full head of hair. In your face, your royal highness.

Despite this being a break-up between two people who have so much money that they could convince you to sell your grandmother, you have to feel a little bad that their relationship is front-page news. Imagine having your crappy love life played out on an international stage. Since I have a last name that also serves as a verb, I am particularly happy that Emma Carrbridge's dumping of me went completely unnoticed by the world media. Otherwise, I would have faced headlines like "Ems Can't Cope With Chris."

Reporters would have been stationed outside our respective homes, delivering the latest:

REPORTER: "Well, Roger, of course, the official press release from Emma's people says that the cause of the break-up is not Chris, it's her. But behind the scenes, what we're hearing is that the real cause is connected to the guy Emma met at a Phi Delta Theta party two weeks ago. Chris' habit of laughing at his own jokes and the fact that he added Mountain's 'Mississippi Queen' to a romantic mix tape may also be contributing factors."

ANCHOR: "Thanks, Tom, with me now is noted musicologist Dr. David Byddar. Doctor -- 'Mississippi Queen;' is that what drove this one away?"

EXPERT: "It's most certainly a possibility, Roger. Southern Rock very rarely puts a woman in the mood. And his placing the song directly after Harry Connick Jr.'s 'Jill' shows a total lack of musical thinking."

ANCHOR: "Thank you doctor. We turn now to Lisa Pishyn, who is outside Chris' house. Lisa?"

REPORTER: "That's right, Roger. About an hour ago we received this statement from Chris' press office. It's quite extensive and in it he states that Ms. Carrbridge will, quote, 'So totally regret this.' He then goes on to use a great deal of profanity and several phrases which we have since determined to have been stolen from Rod Stewart's 1971 hit, 'Maggie May.'"

Fortunately, the overwhelming majority of us have relationships that are of no interest to anyone outside our little social circles. We are free to break up with a girl solely because she had slightly hairy arms, and no one has to know how shallow we are -- unless we stupidly mention it in a column.

Strangely, though, a relationship can feel as if it is under such intense scrutiny. In the same way that royal "experts" have spent the last several days hyper-analyzing Kate and Wills, we often find ourselves picking apart each tiny action, each little moment in a relationship.

Sometimes people come home late from work and they don't call, and it doesn't mean anything. No, really. But how many times have you found yourself in a relationship analyzing such an insignificant act and trying to draw some kind of greater meaning from it?

"Maybe he's not interested in me anymore." "Maybe there's someone else."

Or, maybe he's spent an hour with a work buddy talking about golf, much in the same way he yammers on and on about golf when you're around. Maybe -- just maybe -- he likes talking about golf.

I should note that the above scenario is hypothetical; I hate golf and my wife tends not to over-analyze things. Or, if she does, she doesn't tell me about it, which I think is one of the keys to a good relationship.

A good relationship strikes the balance between being really, really important and not important at all. That means paying attention to what your partner thinks is significant while doing your best not to get wound up in your own concerns.

Striking that kind of balance can't have been easy for Wills and Kate. If people make a living watching you eat, it can be hard to see yourself as not important. In light of this, one almost feels bad for Wills -- it's going to be hard for him to ever be part of a relationship that works.

Although, don't feel too bad for him. The press here have already outlined a whole crop of outrageously beautiful women who are likely to be next in line. Bonus points to them if they think balding guys are sexy.

Chris Cope lives with his wife in Cardiff, Wales. His column appears every other Tuesday.