Change The One You're With

Self-help books say you can only change yourself, but they're wrong.

They say, don't marry someone expecting him to behave differently after you exchange vows; he's the same man he was before the ceremony. Anyone who has been married even 24 hours knows otherwise.

As soon as the rings band you together permanently, it's OK to let down your hair (or put it up), burp with abandon and forget to flush. He's hardly the same man, and you're not the same woman.

Everything changes. The question is whether your partner -- and your relationship -- change the way you want. Do you lead the change, follow it or resist? And what's realistic to request?

I'd love for my husband to sing like James Taylor, and I'd love to be as tall as Julia Roberts. Neither is going to happen. You do have to accept physical limitations and lifetime habits.

I didn't marry my husband expecting he would quit smoking. I did expect him to be flexible and accommodating about the habit (he smokes outside), and I require the same of myself. Merging two lives into one couple requires no less.

So, ask yourself, if I could change only one thing about my husband or wife, what would it be?

I asked my husband what he'd change about me. His initial response was not fit for the family section, so I prodded. "Maybe you'd change how bossy I am?" I asked. "No," he said, "I like how bossy you are." I laughed.

He clarified: "I mean you're just the right amount of bossy. You keep our family motivated without being overbearing."

The truth is, I know what he'd change about me: I'd nag less, I wouldn't contradict him in front of Colter, our son, and I'd throw him a rope when he tries to scale the wall constructed by my occasional anger. Because I love him and don't want to hurt him, I work on these things constantly.

And he knows what I'd change about him. I'd have him become an efficiency expert who sends his invoices to clients as soon as the job is done, organizes his towering piles of paper so they don't threaten to topple and bury me at the computer and generally keeps our lives in working order when I can't.

And he tries. Not because these things matter to him, but because I do. And because he can.

These are incremental changes, and our years together have seen many others --some planned, some surprising.

Lately, I've noticed the signs of aging. We have more gray hair, drier skin, stiffer muscles. But I wouldn't change a thing about my husband's looks. Apparently, that sets me apart from a majority of women.

Almost 60 percent say they would like to change at least one feature on their boyfriend's or husband's face, according to a survey released last week by the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery.

Interestingly, slightly fewer men (54 percent) would change their girlfriend's or wife's face.

Hair was the most popular feature men and women wanted their partner to change, followed by wrinkles, nose, mouth, eyes or ears.

"This survey shows that love is not blind and, in fact, has an eye for improvement," said academy president Dr. Keith LaFerriere.

A sharp eye, I'd say. Be careful what you wish for -- be sure it will really be an improvement -- and be clear and realistic about your expectations.

Start small. Don't ask for more than you -- or he -- can handle. People can change, but do you really want him to become a neat freak overnight? Maybe you'd be happier if he just learns to put his socks in the hamper?

Be sure to appreciate the simple gestures.

And remember, it all begins with you. So look inward. Look deeper. Sometimes the change we seek in others is the one we need to make ourselves.

Hey, maybe those self-help books were on to something after all.

Julie Moos is a thirtysomething who lives with her husband and son. Her column appears every other Thursday. To read more of her thoughts, visit MomInTheMirror.com.