My Underachieving Son

I'm a type A personality with a son who is happy to come in second.

What's strange is that I'm happy for him.

I don't mind that he played on a basketball team that lost all but one game last season. He really enjoyed and appreciated that single victory. He earned it.

I don't mind that he's not the most popular or the best dressed. He has several friends at school and wears clothes that are comfortable and affordable. I like that he's not label-conscious or overly concerned with what others think of him.

My son is a great student. He gets As and Bs, which means he's been on the honor roll every semester and is eligible to join the safety patrol or the school TV station when he's in fifth grade next year. He's also in the gifted program.

But he's not on the principal's list (straight As), and that's OK with both of us.

After a few years of piano lessons, he plays simple songs fluidly, but he's no prodigy. He started taking guitar because he enjoys it more.

This isn't about laziness or a lack of discipline or settling for mediocrity. It's about excelling where you can and enjoying everything else.

Don't get me wrong, Colter is competitive. He likes to beat his father at chess and checkers and any other board or card game he plays. He doesn't like to lose, but he knows that losing is part of the game, something I didn't come to terms with until I was in my ... well, I'm working on it.

I grew up feeling intense pressure to excel -- get good grades, get into a good college, get a good job, earn a good salary.

My life (and my parents' approval) seemed to depend on it. And I never felt I was achieving enough. Until I realized all the accomplishments were empty without the joy of work that mattered and the love of family and friends.

I didn't want my son to feel that same pressure, that same emptiness.

So he's getting a good education, but it's not the best money can buy. I know someone who drives two hours a day so that her children can go to a particular school. I won't do that.

Maybe this is selfish. My parents sacrificed so I could have the best of everything -- the best house in the best neighborhood, the best schools, every advantage. And I expected I would want and do no less for my child. But then he came along, and I saw things differently.

My son would rather spend time at home with me than spend hours being driven to a school farther away that might be better for him.

He was thrilled to be elected an alternate to student government. Last year he received only one vote for the same office. This year, he received more than any other boy in the class except the boy who won (a friend of his).

That's progress. And that's what he likes. He's all about improvement.

He says, "I just want to be good at the things I'm good at."

He's also smart enough to know that in life, we come in second a lot. Only one person wins, but many of us place.

What's best for him is not necessarily the best of everything.

He's my son and I love him. He's learning to love himself, win or lose. That's good enough for me. And I have to believe it will be good enough for him.

Julie Moos is a fortysomething who lives with her husband and son. Her column appears every other Thursday. To read more of her thoughts, visit MomInTheMirror.com.