Review: Say 'No' To Clouseau In 'Pink Panther 2'

'The Pink Panther 2' (PG)(out of four)

You might think it would be funny to see Steve Martin in a pope costume hanging over a balcony at the Vatican. Or Martin having a French man wash his cottony white hair with jojoba, while he dances around and sings the word ho-ho-ba.

You would think we could marvel at Martin's connections in the fact that he was able to snag top actors like Alfred Molina, Andy Garcia, Oscar-winner Jeremy Irons, Lily Tomlin, John Cleese and Indian Bollywood beauty Aishwarya Rai Bachchan to co-star or appear in a silly comedy.

It would all be funny and quite a coup if "Pink Panther 2," co-written by Martin, was actually good. But this lame tribute to the Blake Edwards' "Panther" movies isn't even close to being a roar.

Martin doesn't give Inspector Jacques Clouseau a shred of dignity, but rather turns him into a fumbling fool with a faux French accent. The gags are intended for a cartoon crowd, especially an extremely painful continuum where two young boys challenge Martin to a karate match, then mercilessly whip him.

Martin, who tried on "The Pink Panther" role in 2006, with success at nearly a $159 million worldwide box office gross, won't have the same reaction with this dogged movie.

This time around, he's a little older, but definitely not wiser. The over-the-top comedy comes crashing in right off the bat as Clouseau, who is assigned to traffic duty by chief inspector Dreyfus (John Cleese), tries to give a driver a parking ticket. When the man refuses to accept the ticket, Clouseau is dragged through the streets of Paris with his arm stuck in a rolled up window.

The plot tries to hang this series of what are merely comedy sketches together, but can't quite cut it. As precious artifacts are stolen around the globe by a mystery thief named El Tornado, Clouseau is summoned to join an international Dream Team, a group of sleuths, who are the world's cream of the crop. The rest of the film concentrates on Clouseau's bumbling, the team's embarrassment of him, and a constant barrage of silly sight gags.

The whole thing plays like a bad Mr. Bean movie; even Bean's humor is more sophisticated. Ten-year-olds will laugh heartily at some of the physical antics, but adults will wince at Clouseau's ogling of women and sexist conversation.

The actors who signed on for this film will most likely turn down any future offers from Martin. Irons as the suspected thief looks painfully uncomfortable in tight white riding pants and boots. Meanwhile, a Three Stooges cake in the face trick also tarnishes the images of Molina and Garcia, two very good actors.

To Martin's credit, at least he doesn't try to fill Sellers' shoes. As a self-confessed Sellers fan perhaps he was deliberately trying to stay too far away from the original character. What he's ended up with is a one-dimensional, thinly drawn character.

Crimes may be solved in this daffy detective story, but there's one crime that remains a mystery: What happened to the wild and crazy comedian? Can someone please bring back the real Steve Martin?