Prepare For Holiday Weirdness

It's November. The holidays are coming, and obviously the pre-holiday stress is starting to get to people. Whether it's a sugar rush from leftover Halloween candy or lingering effects from the two full moons last month, the mixed nuts are out of the bowl and on the streets.

I've made the treacherous voyage back from the Mystery Cam rabbithole, and found a batch of choice bits for you to contemplate in between tracking down sweet potato recipes on the Internet.

Seattle Undercover

Security guards at the Public Safety Building in Seattle have been extra-vigilant in the wake of recent events. However, they would have caught a recent interloper at any time. On Wednesday, a naked man entered the foyer of the building, threw himself on the floor, and attempted to scoot past the security checkpoint. Guards, once they stopped chuckling, detained the fellow until the nice men with the butterfly nets could be summoned.

I've heard of "hide in plain sight," but I don't think this is QUITE what that means.

Attack Of The Mutant Lobsters!

Maine lobsterman are known for their stoicism, but a recent catch put that cherished trait to a stern test.

When Charlie Weber and his son Chris checked their lobster pots, one of them contained a "Christmas-colored" red and green lobster. The coloring on the giant crustacean is split on a line just about exactly down the center of its exoskeleton. After offering to grant the Webers three wishes if they let him go, the lobster did a softshoe rendition of "Under The Sea," picked the winners for this weekend's NFL games, and stated that he, too, found Carrot Top to be the most annoying human on the planet.

I'm looking into this one. The Evil Squirrels have GOT to be behind it. First, they color our crustaceans, then who knows?

Speaking of Evil Squirrels, am I the ONLY one who finds the recent car insurance commercial featuring an ES running a car off the road and then celebrating with his partner in crime not funny, but frightening? They're taking over the media now!

You Want Fries ... Oh, Forget It

Everyone's got a favorite food. Or, if you're like me, you've got a favorite food GROUP. Don Gorske, of Fond Du Lac, Wisc., takes it to the extreme. For the last 30 years, missing only eight days due to blizzards and funerals, Don's eaten at least one Big Mac every day. That's roughly 14 beef cattle, 560 pounds of cheese, and 100 gallons of Special Sauce. The amazing thing is that Don's cholesterol comes in at a frighteningly healthy 155.

Yeah, but I'll bet he can't eat a whole one in one bite, like I can. I'll meet him anytime, anywhere, to defend my title of Fast Food Consumption God.

Charter Member: Hannibal Fan Club

Here's proof that weirdness extends beyond our borders: An Australian woman was given a life sentence this week for killing her boyfriend, dressing him out, and cooking him. She claimed not to remember what had happened, but was busted when it came out that she'd told her brother five months earlier that she planned to kill her boyfriend and claim insanity.

There's no word on whether she purchased fava beans or Chianti.

Urban Legend Of The Week

In these times, faith in our public officials is more important than ever; so it is with great pleasure that this week I place the Urban Legend Stroke of Doom on the recently circulated e-mail regarding George W. Bush's IQ. The note claims that Bush has the lowest IQ of any president in recent history, a paltry 91. The "Lovenstein Institute," which doesn't exist, represented by "Werner Lovenstein" and "Patricia F. Dilliams" supposedly released this information.

This is one that fooled a lot of folks, including "Doonesbury" cartoonist Garry Trudeau (last funny cartoon: 1989), who leaped upon a chance to mock President Bush without checking his facts first. At last word, Duke and B.D. are working him over, training him to look before he leaps.

So, how's by you? Any Evil Squirrels building bases in your eaves? Mutant turkeys planning an assault at the grocery store? Let me know.