I'm Not Really Here

I'm not really here this week. I'm on vacation! However, being a dedicated media professional whose ego needs weekly feeding, I'm taking you, gentle readers, on vacation with me. No, really, you don't have to thank me. You're too kind.

Now, we fabulously wealthy members of the international media community require heavy-duty recreation during our vacation times, to help us endure the backbreaking labor of typing, listening to MP3's, and playing freecell. So hang on, folks, it's liable to be a bumpy ride.

Back To Nature

I decided first to go to the zoo, since it'd been a while since I saw the in-laws. I thoroughly enjoyed the trip, and got lots of nifty pictures, but I didn't get the up-close nature experience that Scott Lunsford did. The foundry supervisor was on his office phone with his wife when he heard a crash. Moments later, a buck deer walked past his office door. Scott must have worn the wrong cologne that day, because the deer suddenly turned and charged into his office. Quickly deducing that the animal was not there to fill out an application, Lunsford dodged and managed to slam his office door and wriggle out the window, trapping the hacked-off hoofer in his office.

After animal control carted off the interloper, Scott returned to his office to discover that, after rearranging his Rolodex, the buck had made up a spreadsheet delineating the damage he'd done to the office. I guess that wildlife job training program is starting to pay off.

Baby, It's Warm Inside

Since Tuesday was a pretty day, I decided to head for the botanical gardens and enjoy the warm weather. Taking my trusty camera along, I spent a few hours ogling all the natural wonders and trying not to fall into the lily ponds. Much to my dismay, however, an arctic blast hit in the mid-afternoon, dropping the temperature down to a frigid 60 degrees. By Texas standards, that's long-underwear weather, so I went in search of my bomber jacket.

Fortunately, I didn't choose to warm up the way a Newburg, Ky., man did. According to the local authorities, Kevin Johnson had been at a cookout at a friend's house. When it came time to head home, it had gotten pretty nippy outside. Making what would be his last not-too-bright decision, Kevin apparently took some coals from the large barbecue grill at the cookout, put them in a smaller grill, and put the grill in his car. The resulting concentration of carbon monoxide proved fatal.

So, remember kids: If the car salesman tries to sell you that in-car hibachi, tell him "No, thanks!"

The Stork's Been Drinking

My vacation was interrupted for a blessed event: My neighbor went into the hospital to have a baby! I'm not sure exactly what's involved in that process, but I hear it has something to do with cabbage leaves. Maybe they have a garden somewhere in the maternity ward? I overslept the day we covered that in health class. She came home today, and although the baby DOES bear a distinct resemblance to Winston Churchill (all newborns do), it is at least recognizable as the same species as mom and dad.

Marcia Hall, of Pequea, Pa., didn't have that luxury. She had purchased a donkey several months back from an animal dealer, and recently been dealing with what she thought was the critter's weight problem. She didn't find out the donkey was pregnant (whatever THAT means) until two days before the arrival of the offspring. She was expecting a long-eared donkey, so imagine her surprise when the stork, apparently having stayed a bit too long at the office party the night before, dropped off a chocolate zebra instead.

It turns out that the fellow from whom Marcia had purchased the donkey also kept some exotic animals, such as zebras, on his farm. Apparently, the donkey and a zebra had been wandering in the cabbage patch at the same time, and some sort of biological confusion resulted.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, the offspring will be referred to as a "zonkey." I'm not making that up.

I hope you've enjoyed the madcap whirl of my vacation. The Riviera was all booked up, or we would have had much more to talk about. For now, I'm off to see if I can tease a dinner's worth of crabs out of Galveston Bay.

Anything weird going on out your way? Any Arcturians or Venusians taking you on unplanned "vacations?" Let me know!