So, That's IT?

It's the holidays, time for family, presents and, most importantly, lots and lots of FOOD. Personally, I start eating about Nov. 15 and don't stop until after Valentine's Day. Sweet or savory, crunchy or smooth, regular or supersized, if it's edible, I'm there.

In that vein, once I've gotten a little ranting out of the way, we'll be exploring the weirder side of food this week. Grab your Pepto and hang on.

That's IT?

Like many of you, I awaited with much eagerness the unveiling this week of "IT." Inventor Dean Kamen kept us all hanging for almost a full year, with rumors flying at warp speed, before unveiling his "miraculous" invention Monday.

I'm still waiting.

The misbegotten kick-scooter unveiled and ballyhooed on "Good Morning America" cannot POSSIBLY be what the intelligentsia were talking about. THIS is what we're going to redesign our cities for? Not likely, champ. Moving at 17 mph on the streets of my hometown of Houston will get you flattened. Quickly. And don't try to ride it on the sidewalks. The pedestrians will behead you.

It was almost worth the wait, though, to watch the panicky movements of Diane Sawyer's "helper" as she did some impromptu one-footing and dance moves on her powered-down scooter. I thought the poor fellow was going to melt into his tasteful loafers.

And they want, low-end, THREE THOUSAND smackeroos for one? Add that to the chiropractor bills from my spine compensating for the starting and stopping and I can buy my wife that nice Saturn she's been looking at.

I'm sorry. I know I'm just being dreadfully unhip, but I'm not impressed with the Segway, as this Sharper Image refugee is being called. When you can load it with 10 bags of groceries or strap your Christmas tree to its roof, I'll pay attention.

A Weird Book Review

I've seen just about every sort of funny, strange Web site there is in my Web explorations. Therefore, I wasn't in any great hurry to investigate Lileks.com when a friend sent me the link. I soon regretted the time wasted. If you lived through the '50s and '60s, or are just a pop culture aficionado of any stripe, this site will leave you twitching like an itchy puppy when you're done laughing.

My favorite part of the site, naturally, is The Institute, in which one finds the Gallery of Regrettable Food. I don't want to ruin it for you, but suffice it to say that I will NEVER bake a cake shaped like a house ever again.

If you want a much more detailed, even funnier examination of all things old and edible, get the book! "The Gallery of Regrettable Food," by James Lileks, is without a doubt the funniest thing I've read in years. With a slightly nostalgic touch, and a true appreciation for the art of advertising, Lileks takes the reader on a tour through the ads and cookbooks of a bygone era, when all the suits had square shoulders and all the waists were waspish. You'll never look at a Jello mold the same way again.

Pick it up in your local bookstore and just read the preface. After you catch your breath from the convulsive chuckles, proceed to the checkout and enhance your book collection.

Order In The (Food) Court!

Faithful readers will recognize the name Barry Levenson. He's the intrepid "recovering lawyer" behind that temple of condiment culture, the Mustard Museum. You'd think that, having created such a masterpiece of gustation, Barry would be content to rest on his laurels.

And you'd be WRONG, Bunky! Not content to simply be known as the Master of Mustard, Barry has set pen to paper and created "Habeas Codfish: Reflections on Food and the Law." You've heard about the McDonald's hot coffee case, now read the whole story. Ever wondered why you can't get a rare hamburger in a restaurant anymore? Barry'll tell you. Oh, and there are recipes, too!

This book would be the bang-on perfect gift for the "armchair lawyer" in the family. You'll chuckle, you'll learn, and you'll never again look at margarine the same way.

Urban Legend Of The Week

I couldn't end this week without finding and sharing a couple of cherished food-oriented Urban Legends that have stirred to life again of late.

Our first selection is relatively young, as Urban Legends go. It began sometime in December 1999, when an e-mail started circulating regarding the "real" reason behind why Kentucky Fried Chicken officially changed its name to "KFC."

The story goes that, although it looks and tastes like chicken, what you're getting at the Colonel's counter is a genetically manipulated organism that can no longer legally be called "chicken."

I'll have some extra crispy mutant strips, please!

This second one has been around since the mists of time, when I was in high school. If you hang out with the caffeine crowd, like I did, you've likely heard of the reputed contraceptive effects of Mountain Dew. Supposedly, men who drink large amounts of the magical yellowish liquid have abnormally low sperm counts.

Those of you wishing to TRY this birth control method would be well advised to start stocking up on booties and Pampers. 'Nuff said.

Don't forget to get your picks for the stories of the year in. The end of the year is approaching quickly! Drop me a line and let me know what stories gave you worst case of the heebies, the biggest chuckle, or made you snork your soda.