Pigskin Predictions: Holiday Handicapping
We're Not Buzzed On Egg Nog -- Really
POSTED: 1:30 a.m. EST December 7, 2001
UPDATED: 10:39 a.m. EST December 7, 2001
I don't know where you are, but around here, it's beginning to look a lot like (pick one: Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Generic Secular Winter Solstice Celebration).
No, not on the ground, where the foot of snow we received last week has already melted like Dennis Green's job security.
I'm talking about the TV, which seems to be playing a classic holiday show every time I turn the channel. From the Grinch to Charlie Brown, Frosty to Rudolph, post-Thanksgiving programming has been all holiday, all the time.
And it's affecting my brain. You'll see what I mean when you read this week's picks.
Let's quickly review last week, however. Note the number of pickers who topped the magic 11-win mark. Also note that we were two games to the good side against the spread as a group. And finally, note that our consensus picks were 11-4 last week. Yeah, we're dangerously close to achieving something approximating credibility here, just as the season winds to a halt.
W=Record picking winners
S=Record picking vs. spread Note: Internet Broadcasting Systems, Inc., the company that sponsors this Web site, has assembled a panel of so-called experts to give you our weekly football picks. Please remember, these picks are for entertainment purposes only. If you're one of those compulsive types who has to have a bet on a game to enjoy it, don't hold it against us. Click on the Panel Says: links to see our weekly and season standings, and check out whose picks you should be studying more closely and whose are merely posted so you can fill their in-boxes with taunting e-mails. So, with the pertinent disclaimers out of the way, here we go with this week's picks. San Francisco (+7½) at St. Louis
Wanna know the real reason behind the Owens-Mariucci feud? All T.O. wants for Christmas is a Red Ryder Carbine Action Two-Hundred Shot Lightning Loader Range Model Air Rifle, but that buzzkill Mooch keeps saying, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"
Panel Says: Rams 82% Tennessee at Minnesota (Pick'em)
Good thing Randy Moss wasn't one of the kids called on to help save Frosty. He would have let him melt. "I take snowmen back to the North Pole when I want to take snowmen back to the North Pole!"
Panel Says: Titans 64% Carolina (+3) at Buffalo
The Grinch song says it best about this game. "The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: 'Stink. Stank. Stunk.'"
Panel Says: Bills 55% Chicago (+6) at Green Bay
A Bears win, and Jauron gets huge bonus from management. A loss, and he gets enrolled in the Jelly of the Month Club.
Panel Says: Packers 91% Cleveland (+5) at New England
Bledsoe finding out what life would be like if he'd never been born. "Clarence! I wanna go back! I wanna go back!"
Panel Says: Patriots 91% Detroit (+8½) at Tampa Bay
Millen, the red-faced GM
Made a very stupid hire
A winless season from Coach Marty
Could surely get the two of them fired
Panel Says: Buccaneers 100% Jacksonville at Cincinnati (Pick'em)
Fred Taylor to be visited by three limping spirits -- the Ghost of Pulled Hamstrings Past, the Ghost of Torn Groins Present, and the Ghost of Gayle Sayers' Knee Cartilage.
Panel Says: Jaguars 55% New Orleans (-3½) at Atlanta
Jeff Blake stews on Saints' sideline, then writes letter to Haslett, a la Charlie Brown's sister Sally: "All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share."
Panel Says: Saints 82% N.Y. Giants (-4) at Dallas
Listing Cowboy QBs this year is like Santa with his reindeer: "On Carter! On Stoerner! On Leaf and on Wright! We'll find us a winner if it takes us all night!"
Panel Says: Giants 73% San Diego (+7) at Philadelphia
Chargers will need the strength of 10 Fluties (plus two) to keep their sleigh from crashing down side of Mount Crumpit.
Panel Says: Eagles 100% Washington at Arizona (Pick'em)
Remember in "Christmas Vacation" when Chevy Chase woke up, looked out the door and saw his brother-in-law (Randy Quaid) emptying his RV's sewage container into the gutter? Do you think David Boston and Jake Plummer get that same feeling when they watch the Cardinals defense take the field?
Panel Says: Cardinals 91% Kansas City (+9) at Oakland
Like Charlie Brown shopping for a Christmas tree, Vermeil went out looking for a starting QB, and he brought home Trent Green. But hey, by the end of the show, it worked out for the old blockhead, so maybe there's hope for the Chiefs after all.
Panel Says: Raiders 100% N.Y. Jets (+5) at Pittsburgh
If Jets can pull off this upset, Vinny will run screaming through his neighborhood: "Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!"
Panel Says: Steelers 55% Seattle (+6) at Denver
McCaffrey hobbles to midfield for pregame coin toss, raises one crutch to the sky, and says into the microphone, "God bless us, everyone!"
Panel Says: Broncos 73% Indianapolis (+4½) at Miami
And to all, a good (Monday) night.
Panel Says: Dolphins 82%
No, not on the ground, where the foot of snow we received last week has already melted like Dennis Green's job security.
I'm talking about the TV, which seems to be playing a classic holiday show every time I turn the channel. From the Grinch to Charlie Brown, Frosty to Rudolph, post-Thanksgiving programming has been all holiday, all the time.
And it's affecting my brain. You'll see what I mean when you read this week's picks.
Let's quickly review last week, however. Note the number of pickers who topped the magic 11-win mark. Also note that we were two games to the good side against the spread as a group. And finally, note that our consensus picks were 11-4 last week. Yeah, we're dangerously close to achieving something approximating credibility here, just as the season winds to a halt.
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S=Record picking vs. spread Note: Internet Broadcasting Systems, Inc., the company that sponsors this Web site, has assembled a panel of so-called experts to give you our weekly football picks. Please remember, these picks are for entertainment purposes only. If you're one of those compulsive types who has to have a bet on a game to enjoy it, don't hold it against us. Click on the Panel Says: links to see our weekly and season standings, and check out whose picks you should be studying more closely and whose are merely posted so you can fill their in-boxes with taunting e-mails. So, with the pertinent disclaimers out of the way, here we go with this week's picks. San Francisco (+7½) at St. Louis
Wanna know the real reason behind the Owens-Mariucci feud? All T.O. wants for Christmas is a Red Ryder Carbine Action Two-Hundred Shot Lightning Loader Range Model Air Rifle, but that buzzkill Mooch keeps saying, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"
Panel Says: Rams 82% Tennessee at Minnesota (Pick'em)
Good thing Randy Moss wasn't one of the kids called on to help save Frosty. He would have let him melt. "I take snowmen back to the North Pole when I want to take snowmen back to the North Pole!"
Panel Says: Titans 64% Carolina (+3) at Buffalo
The Grinch song says it best about this game. "The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: 'Stink. Stank. Stunk.'"
Panel Says: Bills 55% Chicago (+6) at Green Bay
A Bears win, and Jauron gets huge bonus from management. A loss, and he gets enrolled in the Jelly of the Month Club.
Panel Says: Packers 91% Cleveland (+5) at New England
Bledsoe finding out what life would be like if he'd never been born. "Clarence! I wanna go back! I wanna go back!"
Panel Says: Patriots 91% Detroit (+8½) at Tampa Bay
Millen, the red-faced GM
Made a very stupid hire
A winless season from Coach Marty
Could surely get the two of them fired
Panel Says: Buccaneers 100% Jacksonville at Cincinnati (Pick'em)
Fred Taylor to be visited by three limping spirits -- the Ghost of Pulled Hamstrings Past, the Ghost of Torn Groins Present, and the Ghost of Gayle Sayers' Knee Cartilage.
Panel Says: Jaguars 55% New Orleans (-3½) at Atlanta
Jeff Blake stews on Saints' sideline, then writes letter to Haslett, a la Charlie Brown's sister Sally: "All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share."
Panel Says: Saints 82% N.Y. Giants (-4) at Dallas
Listing Cowboy QBs this year is like Santa with his reindeer: "On Carter! On Stoerner! On Leaf and on Wright! We'll find us a winner if it takes us all night!"
Panel Says: Giants 73% San Diego (+7) at Philadelphia
Chargers will need the strength of 10 Fluties (plus two) to keep their sleigh from crashing down side of Mount Crumpit.
Panel Says: Eagles 100% Washington at Arizona (Pick'em)
Remember in "Christmas Vacation" when Chevy Chase woke up, looked out the door and saw his brother-in-law (Randy Quaid) emptying his RV's sewage container into the gutter? Do you think David Boston and Jake Plummer get that same feeling when they watch the Cardinals defense take the field?
Panel Says: Cardinals 91% Kansas City (+9) at Oakland
Like Charlie Brown shopping for a Christmas tree, Vermeil went out looking for a starting QB, and he brought home Trent Green. But hey, by the end of the show, it worked out for the old blockhead, so maybe there's hope for the Chiefs after all.
Panel Says: Raiders 100% N.Y. Jets (+5) at Pittsburgh
If Jets can pull off this upset, Vinny will run screaming through his neighborhood: "Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!"
Panel Says: Steelers 55% Seattle (+6) at Denver
McCaffrey hobbles to midfield for pregame coin toss, raises one crutch to the sky, and says into the microphone, "God bless us, everyone!"
Panel Says: Broncos 73% Indianapolis (+4½) at Miami
And to all, a good (Monday) night.
Panel Says: Dolphins 82%
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