Sometimes It's Too Easy

I get a lot of flak about this column from my more "traditional" journalist pals and scholarly acquaintances. They say it's not "real" writing. They say I don't have to do any research, hunt down any sources, or track down any elusive facts.

My usual response is something witty and erudite like "Horse puckey!" Every week, I sweat this puppy out. There are stories to be culled and sorted, e-mails to be tracked and verified, and urban legends to read and chuckle over. It's REAL work. Honest. I promise.

This week, however, I'm going to have to hide out and try to make it look like I've been working if caught. The ugly truth this week, folks, is that your weird fellow humans just made it too easy. Like the mythical fish that jumps into the fisherman's canoe, this week's stories flopped, gasping, at my feet and flipped themselves onto the page. If it's this easy every week, I may have to start giving some salary back. Nah.

What's In A Name?

Actor James Earl Jones has received many honors in the course of his long acting career, and he was all set to collect another at a Martin Luther King Jr. Day celebration. However, when the plaque destined for presentation to Jones arrived in Lauderhill, Fla., the city fathers quickly noticed a glaring error.

Like some sort of sick joke, the plaque read "Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive." Ray, for those of you who may not know, was the man who shot and killed King. A vice president of the company that made the plaque has called it an honest mistake, saying that many of his workers don't speak English and just goofed.

Rather than look at those workers, he should make sure that none of his English-speaking employees prefer bedsheets for their casual wear.

It's not a good thing to pull something like this on the man who's played both Darth Vader and Thulsa Doom. The term "bad juju" comes to mind. Watch for giant snakes.

Do Not Let Your Cats Read This

Newark, Del., police have a bit of a mystery on their hands. They found Ronald Huff, 42, dead in his home of unknown causes. He had last been seen a couple of days before. There were no immediate signs of violence or foul play.

Welllll, that's not EXACTLY true. You see, Ronald had a few exotic pets. To be precise, he had seven Nile Monitor lizards, ranging in size from 2 to 6 feet, in his apartment. Finding their caregiver had shuffled off to his mortal coil, the lizards decided to put his discarded earthly form to good use ... as a snack.

Look around. Are any of your cats in the room? Is one of them, perhaps, looking intently at the above paragraph? Do you hear the silverware drawer opening? The sharpening steel starting to sing?

Out the window. Now. Just start running.

Put On A Robe, Will Ya?

Rep. Dorothy Pelote, of Georgia, is back in the news. You may remember Dorothy as the paragon of sanity who claimed, last summer, to have been contacted by the spirit of missing intern Chandra Levy.

Not content to remain in the "amusing nutball" category, Dorothy is now attempting to regulate the establishment of a fabric-free environment in private homes. Specifically, she's introduced a bill in the Georgia Legislature that would ban residents of the state from answering the door in the buff. No longer would door-to-door salesmen have a shot at those cheap thrills that make their lives a touch more bearable.

Even more importantly, the universal favorite method for freaking out door-to-door religious zealots will be a crime.

Lifeguards For The Gene Pool

The Michigan-based watchdog group known as M-Law has come out with its latest batch of nutty warning labels found on consumer products. Periodically, these good folks take a gander at the pages and paragraphs of cautions accompanying consumer products and release the cream of the crop.

For example, there's an iron which comes with a warning not to iron clothes while they're being worn. Also, the Duraflame fireplace log folks would like you to know that their product "presents a risk of fire." A butane lighter? "Do not use near flame." A toilet? "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

My favorite is the one from the makers of the Ultradisc-2000 CD player, which warns: "Do not use the product as a projectile in a catapult. This could cause personal injury and will void the warranty." This is one I would never have even thought of, but now that they've mentioned it, the temptation is almost irresistible.

These warning labels must be stopped. Ask yourself this question: Do you REALLY want folks dumb enough to iron clothes while they're wearing them or drink potty water adding their malfunctions to the gene pool? These warnings are anti-Darwin. They allow the unfit another shot at escaping what Robert Heinlein cites as the universal punishment for stupidity: death.

E-Mail Hoax Of The Week

Mr. Jonas Edward needs your help! He's the son of a dead gold and diamond mining company executive in Sierra Leone. He's got $12 million that, for some shakily explained reason, needs to be transferred out of the bank where it's sitting and into a U.S. bank. Jonas has written to you, lucky you, offering you 10 percent of the dough if you'll help him transfer the money into your bank account.

He will, of course, need your bank account number and identifying information to get this done. But you trust him, right? I mean, he's offering you $1.2 million for this!

If you are dumb enough to believe the above, please put on a wrinkled suit and start ironing. This is a hoax. It comes in several different forms, but the basic plot is always the same: "I've got tons of dough to give you if you'll just give me your banking information."

For more information on e-mail hoaxes and urban legends, go see my pal David Emery at About.com's urban legends site.

So, any giant lizards hanging around your neighborhood? Any foreign dignitaries offering to sell you the crown jewels? Drop me a line!