Love Is In The Air!

Valentine's Day is approaching, for those of you who haven't noticed.

How could you NOT notice, though? On the day after Christmas, on newly cleared "seasonal items" shelves at the grocery and mass-merchandise stores, glassy-eyed employees were madly stacking cardboard hearts full of year-old chocolate, fake flowers, sappy cards, and other pseudo-sentimental claptrap.

You may get the feeling that I'm a little jaded about Valentine's Day. Hardly! I'm an incurable romantic and always have been. What DOES turn me into a bitter lump of unromantic stone is the relentless merchandising of the day. Want a sign of the Apocalypse? THERE ARE VALENTINE'S DAY-THEMED PACKAGES OF KLEENEX. That's right. You can wipe your caked, disgusting proboscis and feel sentimental and lovey-dovey at the same time.

In the spirit of love, this week we bring you some tales of misguided and weird love, affection, and just plain animal behavior.

Workin' For A Livin'

If you watched the Golden Globes (I didn't, no "Buffy" nominations!), you no doubt realized that Australia is poised to take over the world. In another step toward the eventual world domination, the land down under is making sure that their prostitutes are the safest in the world.

A workerplace safety watchdog group, called WorkCover, has released a pamphlet designed to help Aussie ladies of the evening make sure their "workplace" is a safe one. Covering topics from loose bed frames to condoms, "Getting on Top of Health and Safety" offers tips and hints on a variety of subjects.

Lest you scoff at this initiative, some of the hazards delineated are dimly lit work areas, tripping in showers, and (drum roll) repetitive motion injuries.

Stop snickering! *chuckle* This is serious business! *snort* It deserves to be taken seriously! *guffaw*

I'm going to work up a pamphlet designed to help pickpockets avoid carpal tunnel syndrome.

Smile, You're On Wild Camera!

New Orleans Mardi Gras is always a wild time. Saying that the N'awlins atmosphere leads to a loosening of inhibitions is akin to saying that a hurricane generates "a little breeze." Normally staid and sober folks become gyrating libertines, with a drink in one hand and their undergarments in the other.

Knowing this, the producers of the "Girls Gone Wild" videos, which present footage of "real girls" exposing themselves and otherwise behaving badly, went to the Big Easy with cameras in hand.

Offering trinkets, beads and dubloons as enticements, the sweaty-palmed camera jockeys struck gold, persuading young beauties to behave in a manner that would drive their parents to drink.

Becky Lynn Gritzke was one of those who "flashed" the camera, but now she's taking the producers to court. She claims that she never knew the tapes were to be sold, and wants them pulled off the market. The producers contend that there is no guarantee of privacy for people who take their clothes off in public.

I'm not sure I can make a ruling on this without seeing the evidence. Really, to make an objective judgement, I think I'd need to see the entire series of the tapes. It's all in the interest of journalistic integrity, of course.

More Fun With Photography

Ted Hudson, of Casper, Wyo., has gotten himself in a spot of trouble for allegedly perpetrating some illicit photography.

According to the Casper cops, Ted set up a hidden camera in the bathroom of his boss' house, intending to capture a few covert shots of the boss' wife in the altogether. Ted claims that it was all intended as a practical joke, but no one's laughing.

Except me, that is. I always laugh at idiots. How many more people are going to have to be publicly humiliated before these beady-eyed hidden camera nuts realize that they're pretty much always going to get caught? From the "secret shower" pervert to the "pottycam" sicko, their love for hidden video is going to land 'em behind bars.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to see if this new drill bit is the same size as the camera lens ...

Urban Legend Of The Week

The Hispanic legend of "La Llorona," the Weeping Woman, concerns a woman who, spurned by her husband, kills her children and then is doomed to wander the earth for all eternity, sobbing. Some say the legend goes as far back as the Aztecs.

Showing the acute sense of decency and propriety for which the advertising profession is noted, the California Milk Advisory Board decided that this tragic tale would make a GREAT milk commercial.

In the spot, a spectral woman is seen to mutter "leche" (Spanish for "milk") as she opens the refrigerator in a darkened kitchen. Finding no cow juice in the icebox, she begins to weep and wail.

Let's see ... hmmm ... equating the deaths of children with running out of milk sure makes me want to run right out and buy a gallon or three.

This urban legend and many more can be found on the About.com Urban Legends site.

So, got any weird plans for Valentine's Day? Planning on dating Bigfoot? Drop me a line!