'Survivor 4:' It's All Over!

If two things have become clear during the run of this series, they are that this go-round has captured the spirit and interest of the first one and that Kathy continues to impress fans with her quiet ability to "shift and survive."

Will that continue tonight, or will Paschal and Neleh remain in control and be the final two? Or, will Vecepia take over the challenges and win her way through?

These, as the media guide says, are "the questions to be answered on tonight's telecast." A more important question, to me, is just exactly what the HECK was the meaning of that little 30-second intro piece featuring Rosie O'Donnell and Sue Hawk, the truck-driving fan favorite from the first "Survivor" edition? There was something about a beer. I'm not really sure.

But all that aside. You're here to find out what happened on the island, right?

We began this week with Kathy worrying about the previous night's vote, Paschal worrying about his appearance, and Neleh leading a chorus of "Show Me The Way To Go Home." Viewers then got to witness Kathy's primal scream/stone voodoo emotional purging ritual.

Vecepia sees herself as having her back against the wall. As she puts it: if she loses a challenge, she's gone.

The first treemail seemed to indicate the newest installment of a grand "Survivor" tradition: the "tribe member trivia" match. This one actually seemed to favor Vecepia, who'd talked the most and spent the most time with a wide variety of people.

None of the four seemed to feel too badly about this challenge not being of a physical nature. They all looked pretty well beaten down.

The questions began, with Neleh scoring two on the first one (one and a bonus) and the others getting one. The next question tied it up.

All remained tied after three questions, and then Kathy dropped behind by one on the fourth. Gina's watermelon-seed spitting was known to everyone, leaving the score 5-5-5-4.

Tammy's necklace got everyone one point, and Sean's lack of siblings tripped up only Paschal, leaving him behind with Kathy.

It came down to the final question, with Vecepia and Neleh tied at 9. Vecepia knew that John had trained in the Air Force to be a nurse, and no one else did. She won the necklace, and Kathy immediately made a pitch to Vee to ally and boot Neleh.

Neleh had taken a few votes, but so had Kathy. Who would a tie-breaker doom? And would Vee stick to the deal?

It was a tie after the first vote. At this point Probst threw another curve, declaring that past votes would no longer count. If no votes could be changed, it would fall to a game of chance, with three stones in a cloth bag. The person who pulled the purple stone had to leave.

Proof that life ain't fair, and that this method should NEVER AGAIN be used: Paschal pulled the purple stone. The man who took NO votes got booted.

Neleh was now on the bubble. Since Vee and Kathy had bonded at council, and both had professed no great love for her, it was incumbent on our perky Mormon to win the final immunity challenge.

Probst woke the women in the predawn hours, presenting them with an outrigger canoe kit and instructions to put it together and head for a "challenge beach" location. Some sort of ritual tattooing was promised.

The women arrived at the "native tattoo parlor" and began painting on themselves and each other. Neleh seemed by far the most artistic, with a true flair for symbolism and a steady hand.

Sufficiently tattooed and reminiscence-wrapped, the women took off on a hike past the torches of their predecessors. I thought Kathy tapping each one and chanting "Loser, Loser, Loser!" was a nice touch. Oh, wait, that was only in my mind.

Next came some sort of Marquesan purification ritual, involving the women dousing themselves with a noxious-looking yellow liquid composed of ginger and various other aromatics.

How many of you think that this was some sort of final practical joke courtesy of the displaced Marquesans? Let me know.

The last immunity challenge, as ever, was an endurance test. As before, it was a three-point-stand, with the feet on wooden posts and one hand (one hand ONLY) grabbing a wooded tiki in the center.

All three women passed the first ninety minutes without much trouble, although Vee did seem to be showing a bit of strain.

Three hours passed, with the only change the open admission by Vee and Kathy that they did, indeed, plan to vote out Neleh.

At just after the four-hour mark, Kathy lost focus and balance and fell. Vee then quickly struck a deal with Neleh to pair up for the final vote. Neleh wisel took the deal, leaving double-dealing Kathy out in the cold.

The final jury filed in, minus Paschal, who fainted from dehydration and stress just prior to the meeting and was medevaced. His presence wasn't exactly required, given that his vote for Neleh was engraved in stone.

As promised, Neleh voted for Kathy, leaving Vecepia as her partner for the jury's vote. Will that win Neleh any points for honesty with the jury?

The two women spent the time immediately after their return in prayer and rejoicing over things being, basically, over. The native pigs and chickens, no longer feeling any predatory pressure, began straying closer.

I must say that, from a carnivore's perspective, this was the lamest bunch of tribesters ever. They completely failed to obtain any land-based protein other than crabs, and I didn't see much in the way of fish eaten either.

The early commentary from the jurors was basically noncommital. Robert's honest male chauvinism and chagrin at being bested by two "girls" was amusingly refreshing.

John, referring to Vee and Neleh as "Bible-thumping creeps," seemed primed to ask the toughest questions during the jury session.

Paschal rejoined the jury for the final vote, and a well-rested Kathy made her first appearance on the other side of the fence.

Neleh's opening statement to the jury seemed to be fairly well received, although John and Gina seemed determined not to like anything that came out of either contestants' mouth.

Vee referred to a "vision" which led her to the island, and guided her actions. Robert looked daggers at her for some reason, and Gina's face would have scared a thundercloud. John looked faintly amused.

On a side note: my pick for best commercial of the entire run is the Snickers "Bad Aim" spot, featuring the archery talents, or lack thereof, of the tribe members from the Africa go-round. Does the slicked-back guy who does the talking in those remind anyone else of David Hyde Pierce?

Tammy hit the floor first for the jury question/comment session. She chided Vee and Neleh for their "hypocritical" holier-than-thou attitudes. She pointed out how Vecepia never hesitated to backstab anyone, as long as she could make herself feel better by apologizing to themselves and God. She went after Neleh for sweet-talking her and others into helping her get to the merge, then backstabbing them.

Sean was next, and was a bit more cheerful. He actually asked a question. He wanted to know if either of them had learned a moral lesson from the game. They both said that they'd learned not to give answers quickly ... to avoid snap judgements. Vee was a bit more articulate.

Paschal wasn't exactly prepared, having spent the previous 24 hours trying to stay alive. He, like Sean, was friendly and didn't show a trace of bitterness. He asked no questions.

General Rob got right to the point, asking the women what specific decisions they'd made that would hurt them with the jury. Vee, pushed by Rob, admitted that switching teams on Kathy was her big mistake. Neleh pointed to her earlier alliance switch that ended up getting Rob booted.

Zoe had no questions, and gave the basic "Congrats to both of you," speech.

Kathy asked Neleh what her biggest strategic decision had been. She pointed to her Day 24 decision to make an alliance of five, which got John voted out. Vecepia's question from Kathy was about her strategy, and Vee admitted that she'd not been above "weaseling" into stratagems.

John was up next. He started off politely, calling both women liars and asked them each to pitch for his vote. Neleh didn't exactly distinguish herself with her verbal precision, seeming to point toward her speecific actions rather than philosophy. Vecepia made what I thought was a better answer, referring to her game philosophy as a whole.

In their final statements to the jury, neither woman really stood out, although Neleh seemed to do a bit more sucking up than Vee.

John cast his vote for Vecepia, stating that he would have voted for Neleh had she been "honest" about backstabbing him. Paschal voted for Vecepia. I'm kidding, of course. His vote was the biggest non-surprise of the whole shebang.

As predicted, Sean voted for Vee, doing a pretty nifty Cosby impression while hitting her up for a rent payment or two should she win.

Zoe, with a nicely decorated voting slip, cast hers for Neleh.

In an unexpected development, as Probst walked to the waiting chopper with the can of votes, a freak gust of wind caused the rotors to dip, neatly severing his head and destroying the vote can. Oh well. Guess we'll never know who won. G'night, all!

I'm kidding, of course, although that would have made for boffo ratings.

Missed casting opportunity: Rudy Giuliani should have played the cab driver picking Probst up at the helipad for the ride to Central Park.

Jeff and the vote can arrived to thunderous applause, and noted his journey from "the most remote island to the greatest island."

And now, the votes: Vecepia took the first two, with Neleh pulling even with the next two. The fifth vote put Neleh in the lead. Vee took the sixth tally, forcing the last vote to be counted. Vecepia took it, and the million dollars.

What a LONG strange trip it's been, folks. Thanks for taking it with me. Congratulations to Vecepia and Neleh!

As ever, I'm eager to hear your comments. Drop me a line!