Howard, Darva, Marilyn: Time's Up, Folks

Let's be clear about this: I left out Howard Stern on purpose.

Last week, in a cranky (even for me) column, I listed the top 10 celebrities who should be permanently booted off the planet.

And believe me: The odious Howard Stern occurred to me. More than once.

But I left him out because his fans scare me. They scare me even more than Dr. Laura's legions of loons.

So let me make this clear: It wasn't me who chose Howard for this week's list. It was Kathleen. And Guy. Really. (Don't hurt me, OK? I bruise and bleed easily.)

"How about Howard Stern?" suggested Guy succinctly. Guy's brevity and failure to elaborate clearly show that he's cognizant of the ... um ... fervor of Stern's fans.

Kathleen was a little more vehement (and exclamatory): "Please, please, please!!!! Can't we please add Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern!! We could just pack them carefully (with a lot of duct tape) into trunks and call them luggage for any of the other 10 on your list!!"

One more time: I was not the one who first brought up Howard's name, OK? Howard rules. He's the coolest guy in the universe. I listen to him 22 hours a day. I want to bear his children. I worship at the Church of Howard Stern. Really.

Here's what some other astute readers had to say:

From the obviously brilliant Debra: "I absolutely loved your list of celebrities to be kicked off the planet! Not only was it hysterical, but I agreed with every one! I have an addition: How about Eminem? He is so full of himself, and he thinks his punk-ass attitude is cool as long as he can sell tons of records. To him this is license to spit words of meanness and hate. Personally I think he is without talent, but this is America, so he is allowed to say what he wants. By the way, Eminem ... so is everybody else!!"

From Sheila: "Heartily agree with your list, every blessed one. Can I add another? Dennis Rodman, that totally irritating person!"

From Rob: "How 'bout adding 'The Artist Formerly Known As Prince'? Now here is an odd guy so mixed up he could not even come up with a name for himself. Like what was wrong with Prince? Even though he dressed more like a Princess, ha ha."

From Mary: "How about loud, arrogant, sleazy Jesse Ventura? He totally sucks as governor of Minnesota and he is a lame-o actor to boot with way too much exposure." (Um ... no comment, Mary. Jesse hates me already. I'm one of those evil media types.)

From Jessica: "What about that Marilyn Manson thing? This guy has gotta get rid of the black lipstick and hairspray or take a hike! It gives me the creeps just thinking about it!" (Me too, Jessica. Take deep breaths. Try to think about something else.)

From Cindy: "Nicolas Cage: Is it just me or does this guy just NOT look like an action hero? Why is he always put in action movies? And Angelina Jolie: ick, ick, and double ick (ick ick)." (Cindy's right: Truly, "ick" is the only possible word to use in this case. Truly. Ick.)

From John: "Rosie O'Donnell would've been my first choice. Get rid of the Bronx accent, for cryin' out loud! She is only the world's worst media hound. Coming in a close second would have to be Roseanne. The only reason she's not first is because, at this particular moment in time, she's not shoving herself down everyone's throat." (I like John. He's cranky, like me.)

From Blake: "Dr. Laura. Rush Limbaugh. Anyone with the last name Bush (if you don't kick this family, it's like a lizard's tail -- it just grows back). Twentysomething dot-com millionaires (this is for selfish reasons; since I am one, I want the others gone)." (Don't even bother to ask. I'm not giving out Blake's e-mail address. Forget it.)

From Jim: "How could you possibly forget Jerry Springer -- not only have him kicked off the earth, but retroactively deny him birth." (Jim, if you figure out a way to do that, let me know immediately. I've got a really long list of candidates.)

From Kent: "I read your column, and although don't agree with all your choices, I applaud your ideas. However, there is one person that I would send in to utter, universal darkness given the chance. That one person would be Mariah Carey and her dog whistle of a voice. I have actually seen small children and small animals either bleed from the ears or burst into flames when her songs are played in public." (I don't know about you, but I want to party with Kent.)

From some anonymous cheerleader hater (and really, doesn't that include most of us?): "I love your list, but in general maybe add something about ridding of cheerleaders, I know it seems like a large group but ridding of them and their perkiness that makes one want to pull their hair out and kick them, is a good idea. They haven't morals, they are the ones who we read of having kids and families just after graduation, hmmmmm ... makes one think. Besides, it might help control the idiocy rate in America." (I'm not touching that one. Nope. No way. I was never a cheerleader. I'm not an idiot.)

From Jason (who describes himself as a "faithful and always amused reader," and who will be getting a big check from me for that): "I've got two additions for you. First off: Kevin Costner. I absolutely cannot stand this guy. I think he went to the William Shatner school of acting (act very dramatic and serious no matter what, and never let them see you show emotion). He seems to think he's a wonderful actor, and somehow a few people agree with him, so he get to either a) take a potentially great movie ('Robin Hood') and kill it by making them re-edit the movie so that he's in more of it and it fits his horrid tastes, or b) make whatever tripe he feels like, as in 'Waterworld' or 'The Postman' (or was it 'Mailman,' I can't remember).

"Second, who could resist the chance to give good old Leonardo a swift kick off? Well, I suppose this one is more by taste. Either you love him (generally women), or you hate him (generally men). I quite obviously fit in the second group. I'll admit that he has slightly better acting skills than Mr. Costner, but not by much." (In addition to his excellent taste in columnists, Jason's right about Kevin and Leonardo. They are both so colorless as to be almost invisible.)

From Elizabeth: "Please include the ever-hypocritical, 'God will forgive me' Darva Conger. I guess posing for that skin mag is the only job she can get. Hasn't she ever heard of McDonald's?" (OK, Darva, let's practice: "Do you want fries with that?")

From Sarah: "I would have to add to the list: Monica Lewinsky; the Procter & Gamble protesters; and whoever canceled 'Sports Night' for good."

From Dana: "Got to agree with Carrey, Flockhart, Kathie Lee, Regis (cringe), Duchovny and Britney (like a spaniel?). I am also tired of Jennifer Lopez (too much exposure for the talent), all rapsters (no talent for big bucks, poor image to kids), Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee (black smug), Heather Locklear (too much hair), all ill-mannered and arrogant male athletes, especially basketball players (Dennis Rodman), Hillary Clinton (white lawyer smug), Wynonna's mother (the one who announced her hepatitis to the world to promote their 'final' concert together, Jennifer Aniston (too much hair), Charlton Heston (is he nuts or what?)."

And Jerry really had a lot to say about this topic (all of it wonderfully cranky): "I love your choices. Here are a few more:

"Mariah Carey and Diana Ross (together). Would just love to see these two overinflated windbags tear each other's eyes and vocal cords out so we don't have to be subjected to any more 'divaness' from either one of them. Off with them already. P.S. Any room for that diva-in-training, Christina Aguilera? Probably not, I don't think there is any room for anyone else when Mariah and Diana are together. Guess Christina will have to take the 'plastic-silicone express' with Britney; that way they can rip each other's surgical implants and piercings out.

"Let's get Jennifer Lopez and Puffy out of here too. We'd better be careful when we boot them though. Better make sure we are suited up with our armor and bulletproof vests. Jennifer and Puff are so into their own 'universe' that they won't even realize they are gone.

"OK, finally, puleeeeez, would someone please put Miss Whitney out of her misery (and ours!) already? If she sweats any more, she'll singlehandedly take care of any drought fears. Let's just hang her over Hoover Dam and tell her to sing 'I Will Always Love You,' and watch the faucet open. Of course, Bobby will have to wing in to wipe her brow. That's when we can boot the both of them off to Colombia or some other 'cocoa-'producing place. I'm sure they would both fit right in. Let's not try to interview her prior to her being booted off, though, I'd be afraid of what she'd have to say, or mumble, of course, that is, if her 'vocal cords' are not strained (cough cough)."

Of course, as always, there are those humor-impaired folks out there who, um, disagreed with my choices:

From LaVerne: "You are crazy! What does everyone have against Kathie Lee Gifford? She's cute, nice, talented. Maybe that's it. I suppose I'll be drummed out of this life when I say 'I like her!' Also Regis. Sorry." (LaVerne made one correct statement. Guess which one.)

From Carl: "'Survivor' is a good show. And I didn't appreciate what it says about people not believing Britney Spears had a sudden growth spurt. How would you like it if some stupid magazine started saying lies about you?" (Personally, I think Carl's a little too interested in Britney's "sudden growth spurt." It doesn't bear thinking about.)

Next week: How I spent my summer vacation. (Hint: I didn't see any Jim Carrey movies or buy any Britney Spears albums.)

• Past Culture Shocked columns

Note: Betsy's pop culture column, Culture Shocked, appears every Wednesday in our Entertainment section. She welcomes your questions and comments.

Want to be notified by e-mail of the newest edition of Culture Shocked? Click here.