Making Love Work Across State Lines

My friend Val maintains a 15-mile rule: Don't date anyone outside a 15-mile radius from your house.

Unfortunately, rules tend not to work for me, and I continue to find interesting men who require drives -- and sometimes flights -- to visit.

I'm currently dating someone who lives two states away. While the drive takes nearly three hours, it's close enough to manage. But why can't things be more convenient? I'm sure there are plenty of sexy men in the neighborhood who I just haven't met.

Yet, I find it's impossible to turn off my heart to a man, regardless of time zones. Sometimes the inconvenient man and I just click, and it's worth a try.

For many I know, however, love cannot conquer inconvenience so they avoid "going the distance" at all costs.

Jack says when he meets a girl he's interested in and learns she's from out of town, he keeps looking. Like many people, he knows his limits and the disadvantages, of which there are many.

Aside from not getting to see the person as much as you'd like, the hardest part is the effort, which can be downright exhausting. Every trip you make seems to get longer, and it's not exactly cheap to travel.

Another major downside is that little quarrels often hold more weight. Without the face-to-face interaction that local lovers enjoy, you may find yourself putting too much stock into a bad phone call.

"Did he sound mad or was he just tired?"

And e-mail, with its lack of tone, makes things even harder.

Having limited time also puts pressure on things to be "perfect." You find yourself avoiding certain situations or conversations so that nothing compromises your precious time.

Another possible downside is the accelerated seriousness that separation brings. Because they require effort, long-distance relationships don't work unless they're serious, which can affect a relationship's natural progression.

Packing more into one weekend isn't the same as seeing someone on a daily basis. Sometimes I can't help but wonder what he's really like after work.

Despite the negatives, there are positives. Katie finds that her current LD relationship frees her to be more independent on her home turf. She can concentrate on work and forge a life outside the relationship, all the while resisting co-dependency.

Who really wants to become one of those annoying, attached-at-the-hip couples in matching Hawaiian shirts anyway?

At times, however, it's hard to establish a single self when you're longing for someone who's not there. And it's even more difficult to have time alone with friends when your weekends are tied up at his place or yours.

Still, there are times when it's nice to have a partner around. Whether it be a couple-type event or just a day when you could use a shoulder, it's natural to want your special someone there.

While many people don't recommend long-distance love, they are often the ones who make it work.

My friend Kelly -- who's about to marry her formerly distant boyfriend -- said she wouldn't have gotten deeply involved if they hadn't set a date to be in the same place.

Entering a relationship is an investment, and it's hard to give your time, energy and emotions into something that is doomed. Committing to a future locale makes it easier to invest.

For many, it's essential to have a good chunk of time at the beginning of the relationship to establish a bond. Then, if the person moves away, you have a nice foundation. Even my friend Jack who refuses to date someone in another area code said he'd reconsider if the pair had a chance to start things locally.

If you don't have that initial establishment time, to date or not to date is a tough call.

My friend Elle recently met a dashing foreigner who lives 500 miles away, and is struggling to start something yet keep it light. It may be casual now, but in a month, when they're deciding whose turn it is to visit, things can get hairy.

So how can you make it work?

Once you and your love have committed, you have to keep the communication going. Call him, e-mail him, send a letter here and there. Some find it helps to have a regular schedule.

It also never hurts to throw in a few surprise visits or long weekends. This can alleviate the pressure of having to pack it all into the few days you have together.

You also must be willing to sacrifice activities that may not fit into seeing your honey. Both people must be flexible and patient in order to see each other as regularly as possible.

However, you must remember to make it work for you, just you. No relationship is worth it if you can't make time for yourself. If you need a weekend alone, even if it cuts into couple time, you need to take it.

While I believe in trying before you walk away, some people are just not cut out for long-distance love, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's not easy and I can't say I recommend it.

Yet some day you may find someone who's worth the drive, so it never hurts to keep the gas tank full just in case.

Laura Lewis is an adventurous 20-something who knows how to make the most of being single. Her column appears every other Thursday. She will appear on XM Radio's "The Love Shack" at 6:15 p.m. Eastern time April 15, on channel 167.