Mean Girls: Why Do They Get Catty?

One minute, they are the best of friends; the next minute, they are at each other's throats. The relationship between girls can sometimes be contentious. Sometimes the tension mounts to a physical level, but more often, the jabs are verbal.

"You see it every day," said 16-year-old Elaine. "You see girls that start bickering ... just because."

"You dress differently, and all of a sudden there will be girls talking behind your back, 'Oh, look at her, she's dressed like a little girl. Oh, don't talk to her,'" said Sonia, a 13-year-old.

"Girls can be mean," said 18-year-old Nisha, "but not any meaner than boys can be."

Research published by the American Psychological Association supports that notion. The study shows that boys and girls can be cruel to each other, but in very different ways. Boys tend to fight it out, while girls act out verbally.

"In girls, this tends to take the form of excluding certain girls, teasing them, putting them down, labeling them, keeping them out of clubs or cliques," said Dr. Dave Davis, a psychiatrist.

Seventeen-year-old Melissa Lee said she understands those differences. "I think girls mature much faster than guys do, so they more easily can push each other's buttons, and they understand their friends and enemies better," she said.

Rumors, badmouthing, social isolation -- it's what psychologists call relational aggression: manipulating friendship and emotions to intentionally harm someone.

"Some of it has got to be insecurity with who you are and hiding what you are," said Andrea, 17.

Experts agree that low self-esteem is at the root of treating others badly. Parents can help their children combat negative behavior by encouraging them to diversify their friends and activities so they are not dependent on just one group to make them feel special.

Davis said parents should also teach their children how to identify their feelings so they can learn to connect with their peers in a positive way.

"We need to teach them shame, joy, guilt, disgust and humiliation so that they learn to label those feelings and then learn to express those feelings," Davis said.

Invisible Weapons

Growing up, boys may hit each other more than girls do, but new research shows girls often suffer more blows to the heart than the body, wounds caused by what the American Psychological Association describes as "invisible weapons."

A study of 383 fourth- and fifth-graders shows that more than 10 percent of girls were victims of rumor mongering, exclusion from peer groups and other forms of nonphysical aggression. Less than 4 percent of boys were similarly victimized.

"Physical aggression isn't very accepted for girls, so they turn to manipulation and emotional threats as weapons," said psychologist Nicki Crick, a researcher at the University of Minnesota. "They spread rumors, they threaten to withdraw from a valued relationship, they use friendship as a vehicle of harm."

While close to 10 percent of boys in the study reported threats and actual acts of physical violence, only 1 percent of girls fell victim to physical aggression. Crick's theory is that society "socializes" girls to value social ties so they learn to hurt one another by damaging those ties.

This type of aggression -- relational aggression -- can cause lingering harm, leading to submissive, depressive or hostile behavior. According to the study, victims of relational aggression had the hardest time suppressing anger and were most prone to angry outbursts.

"They lack social confidence," Crick said, "and could have a harder time building marriages and families of their own. They're also more vulnerable to deviant paths, like early sexual activity and drug abuse."

What Parents Need To Know

The Ophelia Project, a nonprofit group "dedicated to saving the selves of girls," defines relational aggression as "behaviors that harm others by damaging (or threatening to damage) or manipulating one's relationships with his or her peers, or by ignoring one's feelings of social acceptance."

Examples include the following behaviors:

• Purposefully ignoring someone when angry (giving the "silent treatment")
• Spreading rumors about a disliked classmate
• Telling others not to play with a certain classmate as a means of retaliation

In each of these examples, social relationships -- not fists -- are used as the vehicle for hurting someone. The weapons are more difficult to identify.

What can parents do to discourage and prevent relational aggression? The Ophelia Project offers these tips:

• Involve girls in activities outside of school so they are exposed to different groups of people. Girls need people who won't judge them by the "popularity standard" of their middle- and high-school peers.
• Encourage relationships with adults who will appreciate them for who they are.
• Always be available to talk to girls; never make them feel like their issues aren't important.
• Remember that girls will tell you about being the victim of aggression, but won't tell you when they initiate or participate in it. Talk to your daughters about both sides of the issue.
• If your daughter is the "girl in the middle," firmly but lovingly encourage her to take the high road and support the victim, or at least not to take part in the aggression. This approach is hard for girls to take because they may be the next target if they don't go along, but that doesn't change what is the "right" thing to do.