My Final Answer On Regis Philbin Is ...

OK, someone is going to have to explain this to me, because I seriously don't get it.

I've watched "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" I've watched it several times. And I've watched it a couple more times, just to see if I could tell what I was missing.

Nope. I still don't get it. It is truly one of the stupidest game shows I've ever watched.

If someone out there can tell me exactly what is so fascinating about watching a bunch of mostly male and mostly brain-dead twits answering a bunch of the simplest questions ever devised, I wish you'd let me know.

And on top of that -- on top of squirming while these mouth-breathing morons agonize over questions like "Which of these four is not a Pokemon character?" -- you have to endure Regis Philbin, a shrill rodentlike man whose 15 minutes of fame should have expired about 15 years ago.

I know I sound pretty cranky about this, and I know I'll be getting nasty e-mails from people who think "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" is one of the most brilliant shows ever to beam its way into our living rooms.

That's OK. If it makes you feel better to send me e-mails full of misspelled words, casting aspersions on my parentage, or my appearance (that seems to be a favorite focus of people who disagree with my opinions, God knows why), or my lack of cranial power, then go right ahead. Heaven knows you probably need the typing practice, if nothing else.

The ones I truly want to hear from are those who watch "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" because they like it.

I want to know why. Please.

Now, I'm as willing as the next TV viewer to watch something that's so terrible, it crosses the border into entertaining. You know what I mean: like "Sally Jessy Raphael" or "Jerry Springer," or, to make another analogy, like Branson, Missouri, a town that is so utterly tacky, it's cool.

And I've always been a fan of game shows. Certain ones, anyway. I like "The Price Is Right" (especially when I'm sick); there's something enormously soothing about Bob Barker and his snarky attitude toward the (predominantly) Spam-sucking trailer trash who end up onstage with him. It's obvious that he just loathes these screeching women who insist on giving him big smacking kisses and rib-crushing hugs, and it's enormously fun to watch the thinly veiled contempt with which he treats them.

And "Wheel of Fortune" is kind of fun too. Ed Grimley was right about Pat Sajak: He's really a decent fellow, I must say, with a snarkiness quotient that's approaching Bob Barkerdom. You can tell he finds it kind of embarrassing to be paid to listen to people shriek, "Big money! Big money!" as they whirl an overgrown roulette wheel (actually, it reminds me of that cool wheel that you spin in the game of Life -- remember that one?).

It's also fun to guess the puzzle way before the contestants figure it out and then sit and make derogatory remarks about them. Last year I remember watching "Wheel" with my mother and my sister, and the puzzle was something like "punch ladle." The woman who bellowed, "I'm going to solve the puzzle!" solved it, all right -- except she mispronounced "ladle," with a short "a," and so she didn't win.

Do I need to tell you that my mother and sister and I now purposely mispronounce "ladle" every time it comes up in conversation (which really isn't that often, frankly)?

Of course, the king of game shows is "Jeopardy" -- a show whose contestants actually have to have made it past seventh grade in order to compete. Also, before he started shilling herbal supplements, Alex Trebek was one of the coolest game-show hosts around. I've also become very fond of "Rock 'n' Roll Jeopardy" on VH-1, a show that I am firmly convinced I could win.

But I absolutely do not understand the appeal of "Millionaire." I suspect that ABC programmers are scratching their heads over that one too, not that the show's inexplicable popularity has kept them from producing more episodes and announcing that they'll slam the show back on the schedule as a permanent fixture in January.

Here are some of the reasons why I think "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" signifies the collapse of western civilization:

• Was there ever a game-show host more wooden and annoying than Regis Philbin? On one of the episodes I endured, I was actually embarrassed for him. He asked a contestant named Tim (to whom he kept referring as "Timmy," for some reason -- I kept expecting Lassie to bound onto the set) if he was ready to proceed; Tim said he was. "Let's get it on!" Regis yelped. Uh, no thanks, Reege.

• That music. It sounds like something you'd hear played on an endless loop in a sci-fi porno movie, not that I'd know this from personal experience. I'm not sure that such a genre even exists. I can only hope that it doesn't.

• Those chairs, which look like some sort of impressionistic dentist's chairs. Not only do the contestants have to struggle getting into them, they sort of have to fall out of them and hope for the best.

• What's with that gesture that Regis keeps making with his hands, as though he's about to throttle the person in front of him? Do you think he started doing that because his co-host is one of the most annoying women in history? Who could blame him?

• A game show where a contestant can call his mother for assistance is not a game show. Neither is a game show where a contestant can poll the audience to see what they think the correct answer is. They're frequently wrong, anyway. And a game show where the host keeps saying, "Is that your final answer?" is just stupid.

But I'm more than willing to entertain the opinions of those of you who have found a legitimate reason to like "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" Please tell me why.

And make sure it's your final answer.