Exploring Science's Frontier -- With Twinkies

OPERATION: The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project
(Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations)

MISSION: Determine the properties of that incredible food, the Twinkie. Share findings with world on Web site.

Chris Gouge and Todd Stadler were just like any other students cramming through semester finals at Texas' Rice University -- until they discovered there was a lot more that you can do with Twinkies besides eat them.

Gouge and Stadler are pictured here snacking on what would soon seal their scientific fate.

Poked, Prodded, Electrocuted, Dropped, Even Eaten

It was during semester finals of 1995 that Gouge and Stadler were overcome with the urge to study the spongy, cream-filled cakes commonly called Twinkies. And it was because of this urge that the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project was born.

The project, completed in the laboratory/lavatory of a Rice University dormitory, has even received notice from NASA:

Thanks for sharing your test results with the rest of the world. I believe that your data will be very important to NASA's Space Station Program.
--Kevin Hames

Although some of the experiments were not conducted successfully due to "a friend of theirs trying, successfully, to eat the control group," the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S scientists said they were still able to conduct comprehensive tests on the subject matter, including Rapid Oxydation and Gravitational Response testing.

Some of the tests debunk previously accepted Twinkie theories, but most of the conclusive evidence from the site continues to suggest that Twinkies are, in fact, very mysterious.

For example, a Twinkie dropped from the sixth floor of a building did not take significant damage, causing the testers to consider the use of Twinkies as padding.

"If one needed to jump off of the sixth floor of a building and land safely, one could either pad the ground or oneself with Twinkies; although the Twinkies would likely not survive the fall, they would break one's fall so that one could escape unharmed," the Twinkie scientists hypothesize on their Web site.

They do warn, however, that this particular experiment has not been attempted and that they do not recommend at-home, would-be scientists to test their hypothesis.

Answering The Big Questions

You may have heard rumors that Twinkies do not conduct electricity. This rumor probably stems from Gouge and Stadler's Resistivity Test, which proves that the confections are not electrical conductors.

Disappointing as that finding was, the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S Project scientists give it a positive spin -- listing many possible uses for Twinkies because of their non-conductive properties:

• If you want to electrically isolate a room from static or higher voltage electricity, you can simply line it with Twinkies
• If a power line has fallen in the road and you want to move it, you simply wrap the line in Twinkies, and then it is safe for moving.

The Future And Beyond

You're wondering, aren't you? Wouldn't it be funny if you took these same experiments and tried them on something besides Twinkies? What if you took something totally different, perhaps chocolate, like Ding-Dongs? Or something covered with coconut, like Sno-Balls? Or what if you used the generic version of the Twinkie -- like the Zinger? Wait! Wouldn't Spam be hilarious?

It doesn't matter what you suggest, Gouge and Stadler have heard them all and have coined a standard clenched-teeth reply:

"Look, it's not funny. Really. It's called the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project. If we did it on something different, why would that be funnier? Stop it. Leave us alone. Go e-mail Don Rickles with your witty repartee or something."

T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. The Haiku Version

Stadler, the mawkish side of the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. partnership, assembled the Haiku Version of the project with sentimental verse, such as:

Moist golden sponge cake
Creamy white filling of joy
Boy, I love Twinkies!

Twinkies in water
expand to near twice their size
and look really gross

The Public Speaks Out

Truly visionary people are not without their friends and enemies. Gouge and Stadler, as visionaries, are not exempt from scorn and praise from the public. For the sake of retaining the integrity of their research they have posted feedback from concerned citizens on their Web site at great risk to themselves from radical groups like the Twinkie Liberation Organization.

Much of the feedback they have received has provided additional information on the subject matter. One concerned person wrote:

Twinkies contain polysorbate 60. The trade name for polysorbate 60 is "Tween." You can verify this in the Merck Index. Pure Tween looks like axle grease. Could this be how Twinkies got their name: TWEENkies?

Still, not all of the feedback sent to the two avant-garde experimenters has been pleasant. Their scientific methods have been examined and challenged, and they have found themselves in the unenviable position of having to defend themselves against people who would cast them as phonies:

"Your title suggests that Twinkies are inorganic. Yet most of the major ingredients (oils, sugars, and wheat) are organic. What gives?"

Gouge and Stadler patiently take the time to respond and quell controversial remarks like the one quoted above, even when they have no idea what they are talking about. In fact, they conclude their rebuttals section by saying, "Note: We know next to nothing about debate."

Of course they don't. When it comes to science, these guys are total Twinkies.

Where Are They Now?

It's been five years since the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project.

Gouge now works for a large software firm in Redmond, Wash. Stadler works for a microprocessor manufacturer in Portland, Ore., and edits several Web sites, including Cockahoop.com and LowFashion.com.

In retrospect, Stadler says he isn't sure what came over them, urging them to start -- and complete -- the T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project.

"I think the general consensus is that, 'It was college,'" he told . "And, more specifically, 'It was finals.' I mean, you're chock full of energy from trying to remember months worth of things you slept through. You come home, and you're sitting around the dinner table, talking about how silly Twinkies are. You think of things to do to them."

Molly Thompson is the relief reviewer for 's Web Site of the Week. Regular reviewer David N. Krough is on assignment, patriotically serving his country in Sin City covering the sleazy, garage-rock trashfest the Las Vegas Grind for Channel 2000.