Double Take: Strange Sleeping Situation

A Woman Struggles To Deal With Past Hurts

UPDATED: 11:39 a.m. EDT September 3, 2002

    Dear Double Take,

    I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. He has a 7-year-old daughter, whom I am fond of. The child never slept in her crib, or in her own bed, but always between her mother and father. Their relationship ended more than two years ago, and he sees his child two days a week.

    Double TakeI enjoy being with him and his daughter, but I do have a problem because he still allows his daughter to sleep in the same bed with him, and he has no intentions of changing things. I did, in the beginning, stay and we would all sleep in the same bed. I did that thinking that things would change, and he would make her do different, but he hasn't.

    I decided that I am an adult and should be treated like one, and she is a child and it is normal for a child to sleep in her own bed. When she stays at his house I do not. He gets mad, and even told me he couldn't believe I was so shallow, and that I didn't take his feelings into consideration.

    He recently asked me to move in with him, and my only conditions where that I wasn't moving in to just live with him the rest of my life, and that he have his daughter used to sleeping in her own bed. He told me that I never had to move in. He wasn't making her sleep in her own bed until she was ready to. I told him she would never be ready unless he confronts the issue.

    He seems to think if I had children I would understand, and one day when I do I will see how wrong I am. I believe that he is allowing her to do wrong. He does not make her sleep in her own bed because he is afraid if he does she will not want to come over and stay with him. I explained to him that maybe she will get mad, and she might not stay one or two times but she is his daughter and she loves him, and she will be back. He just needs to stand his ground and make her sleep in her own bed.

    (Her mother still allows her to sleep in bed with her and her boyfriend).

    I would like to know what you think of this whole messed-up situation.

EDDIE SAYS:

First, let's clear up what I see as the "messed-up" part of the situation.

While it's unusual for a child this age to still share a room or a bed with her parents (at least in our society) on a regular basis, it's not unheard of. And unless there are some sort of sexual overtones or actions here, I'm not sure what the problem is. Presumably, at some point the girl will want her own space, and will be deathly embarrassed when her parents tell her friends about how they used to cuddle.

Since both her parents allow it, it seems like that's just how they view families. They seem comfortable with it, and you aren't. And I doubt, since you seem to think it's unhealthy, that you would feel differently if it were your own child.

The part that I see as messed up is both parents allowing someone who is not tied to the kid by blood or marriage jump in the bed as well. I'm pretty open about relationships and whatnot, but letting a kid curl up all night with the current boyfriend or girlfriend ... now that's whacked, and you should have put your foot down at that point, even if it meant spending a few nights at your own place.

As a long-term partner, you have a right to mention your feelings on this arrangement and discuss it. But it's his kid, his call. He's right to put his daughter first: You and he can each find new lovers, but she's only got one dad.

If you can't handle that, then you shouldn't move in with him, and you shouldn't marry him.

ALANA SAYS:

You know, until recently, I would have thought that parents and kids routinely sharing a bed was a little "messed up," too. But a new study came out a couple weeks ago that found it might actually help young children to sleep with their parents. Read more about the study.

I know one study isn't going to change your mind about what's "normal," and I think I'd be a little wigged out, too, if I were in your situation. But this isn't your decision -- it's the dad's.

It sounds like you've done all you can to show how you feel -- even by avoiding the big slumber parties. And that's a good thing; you shouldn't partake if it makes you uncomfortable.

As far as moving in goes, if you do so, don't expect it to change the sleeping arrangements. If you decide to take the plunge, be sure you know that you'll have an extra bedmate a couple of nights a week.

And, like Eddie says, if you can't handle that, keep your own place and wait for his daughter to grow out of it.

    Dear Double Take,

    I experienced a major problem in my marriage about two years ago and I can't seem to forget.

    My husband worked third shift. We had an 8-month-old and another on the way. After our second child was born, my husband turned into a monster, constantly staying frustrated at the new baby. We argued all the time as well. This went on for about six months and I found out he had been seeing someone from work. I went through this denial phase and "I can't believe this is happening to me" scenario. All I wanted to do was win him back.

    I got mad on our anniversary night because he spent the night with her, so I obtained a lawyer. Well, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, so he pried himself back into my life and desperate me let him. After a couple of weeks I found out the other woman was not out of the picture. I kicked him out and decided to go on with my life. I started dating. He then realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side.

    We had long talks and did a lot of crying ... I truly love my husband. I told him he had to prove himself to me. I wasn't going to be played a fool again. Well, he quit his job and found another at a new location on first shift. He works with my sister, so I'm not concerned with another work affair (she would definitely tell me). I chose to forgive him.

    It has been more than two years now, and some days the past haunts me. He is so sweet now. He shows me more respect than he did before the affair. I love him and care deeply for him, but wonder if I will ever be able to have a happy normal life again. When certain songs play or my mind ponders on things from the past, it makes me so angry with him. I sometimes find myself so frustrated that I wished I would have never tried to work out our marriage. My children are 4 and 5 and love their daddy. I feel it would be devastating to them. My husband acts so deeply in love and so regretful for what he put me through. He is happy and I am sad.

    How can I let go of the past and have a happy marriage again?

ALANA SAYS:

Although I can't come close to relating to your issues, I must commend you on repairing this relationship. It sounds like you went through a big "hurt," and for many, there would have been no going back.

But since you decided to forgive him, you have to really make an effort to do so. If he's done all he can do to "prove" himself, and if he's not giving you any more cause for concern, you have to try to put this all behind you.

It sounds like you want to trust your husband again -- so just make up your mind to do so. Remember how sweet he is now, and how he valued your marriage enough to shape up and try to make you happy. And remember how much your children love their daddy, and how happy he makes them.

In short, the incident will never go away. It's there to stay. But it's up to you to keep it from hindering your future with your husband.

EDDIE SAYS:

I think it's clear that you have forgiven him. But you haven't forgotten (pardon the cliche).

How could you? Cheating like that is a really big deal, especially during the sensitive times with young kids around, and the fact that after you found out he continued to slink around with the same chick. That just makes it hurt more, I'm sure, because it means he was emotionally tied to the outsider, and it was hard to sever.

But break away he did. And it sounds as if he's truly remorseful and willing to work for years and years to ... well, not to repair the damage, but maybe to balance it out with good deeds and faithfulness.

I'm sure that he knows about your continuing feelings of betrayal and hurt, and knows that patience is the only way to salve those. But you also need to give yourself patience, and know that as long as he's still good to you and the kids, you'll feel better with time.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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