Double Take: 'The Other Women' Speak

Women Seek Advice For Relationships With Married Men

UPDATED: 9:07 a.m. EST November 11, 2002

This week, Double Take offers advice to four women involved with married men.

    Dear Double Take,

    I am going on 36 and seeing a married man of 57. We are in love, and he has always told me he loves me. We have been together almost five years and have known each other for 16 years. When I ask him about his wife, he responds that he does love her but not in the sense that most men do.

    Double TakeBut what is holding him back? He feels that to be a good Catholic, you have to stay married. Well, I am divorced and not by my choice, but I feel that committing adultery is just as bad as getting a divorce. Why is he with me? Before we started seeing each other, she was having major "woman issues" and it has really pushed him to want to be with me a lot. Not too long ago, she had a total hysterectomy and I feel that that has brought some of his feelings out for me, also.

    Answer this: If he is married, how could he spend five to seven days a week with me? I do have the feeling she already knows about me and is keeping it to herself because she still has his money attached.

    I really do love him and I keep hoping that we can be together someday. If it happens, great. If not, I am not going to be upset because I have had the most wonderful times with him. He treats me like a queen. I have two boys, and they just love when he comes over.

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    Dear Double Take,

    I am presently dating a married man, who constantly tells me that he is not happy with his marriage and he has decided to give up on it.

    I am sexually involved with him, but this disturbs me every day of my life.

    I wonder all the time if he is telling me the truth, if he really wants a divorce or if he is just telling me this, to encourage the relationship.

    Sometimes I feel that he is telling me the truth, but sometimes I just don't feel good about it. I am so confused, please help me.

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    Dear Double Take,

    I have been involved with an "unhappily" married man for almost five years, on and off. He was always the one calling the shots: "I can't see you because I love you too much and I am hurting you."

    He was sooooooo romantic in the beginning -- flowers on my desk every week, carriage rides every Sunday in Central Park and nice hotels with massages with beautiful hot tubs.

    He moved out, we got engaged, yet I never met his kids because they would be too "distraught." So, I was the big secret that only our close friends knew about.

    He was the man of my dreams, the best lover I ever had, but I always felt so cheated. She used to call him at all hours of the morning to tell him it was "raining out" ... who cared, I didn't. But he always listened to her. Then all of a sudden, he moves back in for the kids' sake (but she knew he was cheating) and now that the kids are older, time is tough. It seems like it is such a circle -- he loves me, feels bad for his kids and then goes back home.

    I feel like such an ass because I always wanted to believe the only reason he moved back in was for the sake of his children. He claims he is not sleeping with her, and they are only there for the kids, but yet why does he not let me call him at home or be a part of his life?

    I feel hurt, betrayed, and I always hated her, but now I realize that he is the one that is off the wall -- not me, not her. I want to tell her the truth, but she probably does not care, anyway. Her big thing is that he is being made president of a pharmaceutical company and does not want to destroy his "pseudo-family." He says he does not love her, and she says she has not had feeling for him in over 10 years.

    What do I do? I love him, even though I feel lied to. Everyone says he is sleeping with her, otherwise, why would she take him back? I do not even know what to believe, all I know is that I love him so very much, but feel like a fool at the same time.

    Skip To Response

    Dear Double Take,

    I've been in love with this man for about five years. We are very young -- I'm 21, he's 24. When I met him, I was 16 and he was in between a breakup with the girl he's married to now. At that time, we were so close we were together every day.

    I moved away and that gave them an opportunity to get back together. I ran into him when I moved back home, and the sparks started all over again. To make a long story short, he married her in September of 2000 and until this day we still see each other.

    I know it's wrong, but I can't help what I feel for this man. He tells me all the time that he loves me, and every time I try to stop seeing him, he finds some way to break me down and make me fall for him all over again. I date other men, but when I'm on a date, all I think about is him and wishing it were him. How do I get over these feelings, how do I stop loving him, and how do I get the strength to tell him it's over?

EDDIE SAYS:

I'm a happily married guy who has never cheated (like I'd admit to it here if I had). And I'm not really going to defend it, or condemn it on principle.

But let's talk for a moment about these men who say they love their mistresses, who say they're leaving, etc., etc. It's possible that they're coolly and maliciously stringing both women along to satisfy some evil control urge. The truth is that they do like having it both ways -- even when conflicted -- and probably mean what they say. When they're looking into the other woman's eyes, they probably do feel "love" and think they have the resolve to leave the allegedly horrible women they've married. But then they go home, realize they have a lot of security or kids at home (and no lawyers), and can't take that final step.

And on and on it goes.

For the women who have written to me here, though, none of that should matter much. What they need to realize is that while these guys seem really wonderful -- and probably are, as I said above, basically decent people -- they're not that good. Being a really good person means that sometimes when you have an instinct to do something bad -- such as cheating on your spouse -- you refrain. None of the men in this situation did that.

So, good guys? Perhaps. Wonderfully trustworthy and supremely ethical men? No.

But the husbands have made their decisions. And in most cases they're probably getting some benefit to having a dual life. Probably frequent sex with their women on the sides, and a bit of a thrill. At the same time, they get the home help and stability that comes from being married. Not a bad deal.

But what are you, my quartet of part-time lovers, getting out of all this? A good boyfriend, maybe. But also a relationship that has you tied to a guy who gets to make all the rules. You probably make yourself available on his schedule, and if he has to back out, there's nothing you can do. You schedule your life around him, and don't see other men. Which means that you don't allow yourselves the chance at a happy relationship.

That's not how it has to be. You could say, "Hey, I have my job, I have my place, I have a boyfriend. That's all I want." But if you were satisfied with that, you'd be out happily adulterating, not writing me letters asking me what to do about it.

You also get to feel noble: "Oh, his wife... she's the evil one. He's so good and kind, and I'm helping him enjoy life."

You have two choices: End it, or get used to being the second string. Most women wouldn't put up with a significant other who was so strongly tied to an ex, yet you do. If you can't handle it, leave, and force yourself not to look back. It will be hard, but eventually it will be easy. That's how it works for anyone, and your sin -- as many would call it -- really doesn't make it that different.

Walking away will hurt. But what you're doing now hurts. Ending things means eventually you'll find something that doesn't; staying just delays that goal.

(A special note for those of you screwing around with men with children: Don't ever, ever complain about the broken families or problems with parenting in this country. You are a big part of the problem. And any woman who lets her kids hang out with her married lover... well, just keep toys in your house, because you'll be baby-sitting your sons' kids after their messy divorces.)

ALANA SAYS:

Maybe I'm just naive, but wow. These four letters are only a sampling of single-women-dating-married-men stories that are out there, which kind of freaks me out. How can you ladies possibly handle sharing your boyfriends with other women -- especially when you know you were the No. 2 pick?

The four of you have one thing in common: You're feeling guilty and/or upset enough to seek advice about the situations.

And all the men you've written about have something in common, too: They've professed their love to you, yet they remain married to someone else.

Again, maybe it's just my naivete coming to light here, but this is very black and white to me. Regardless of how wonderful these men appear, they are not good enough for you. Asking someone to commit is an introductory step to a relationship. If these guys aren't all yours by now, there's no point in hanging around waiting for them. You all deserve so much more.

As one of you ladies said above, you're right -- the wife is not the evildoer here. It was the guy's decision to stray from his marriage. And it was your decision to help him do so.

You ladies realize you are stomping on sacred ground here, right? Or are marriages no longer sacred? You're stepping in between a man and his wife here. You're the intruder. Until the man who claims he loves you makes you his top priority (i.e. by signing divorce papers), you will always be an intrusion.

Do yourself a favor and get out now. All you're doing by hanging around waiting for these guys is making yourself miserable. And even if they did eventually take the plunge and get divorced, would you ever trust these men to remain faithful to you? These guys obviously can't offer you happiness, so you have to seek it elsewhere.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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