Agent Of Change
Good Enough For A-Rod Is Good Enough For Me
Surely by now you have heard the sordid tales of Boras' contract demands for his other high-profile superstar client, free agent shortstop Alex Rodriguez.
The 10-year, $200-plus million contract sounds like an absolute bargain to most of these teams, even with the escalator clauses that guarantee that he's the highest-paid player in baseball. I mean, most of these franchises have Benjamins spilling out of their pockets. You think the Yankees' cable contract would allow them to cover a deal like that? And these new "retro" suite-filled ballparks are basically a license to print money.
Honestly, I can't understand why baseball types are getting all bent out of shape over a few perks that we beautiful people are entitled to. Like, for instance, a private jet for his friends and family to attend games. A private jet? Well, I guess the Dodgers did authorize one for Boras client Kevin Brown a couple years ago. (Lousy rotten precedents!) Besides, you gotta have your dawgs in the house, right?
I hear that A-Rod wants a guarantee that billboards promoting the team will feature him more prominently than any of his teammates. Some might say that's the sign of a runaway ego -- but a poll of any team's female (or gay male) fans would likely support that decision. I mean, have you seen A-Rod? Every woman I know thinks he's yumalicious. Put it this way -- you wanna see A-Rod or a 100-foot picture Benny Agbayani's lumpy Hawaiian rear end staring down at you from the side of the road on your morning commute?
And how about the need for an office at the stadium for A-Rod's marketing staff -- what's so wrong with that? Are they supposed to work in a tent the parking lot?
Oh yeah, he also wants a tent in the parking lot to sell official A-Rod licensed merchandise during spring training.
Well, you've never seen such outrage from the scratch-n-spit crowd. Again, it's not even the salary that's the issue, it's all that other stuff that gets their sunburned noses out of joint.
Well I'm here to tell you that if you think those demands were ambitious, you ain't seen nothing yet. I have hired Boras to represent me in my next contract negotiations with the powers-that-be here at the network.
To me, it's a logical fit -- I mean, anybody who has purchased a Tom Clancy book knows that people have been overpaying for writing for years. Why don't I deserve my cut of the pie? I mean, I don't write about prepubescent wizards or ancient vampires or Tuesdays with old professors, but just check out my stats. I'm leading the network in postings-per-day. My errors-per-story (EPS) average is the among the lowest in the land. And I speed-read more than 400 e-mails a day.
But enough about me. Let's talk about my demands. First of all, the chartered jet is just a little pass?, don't you think? I mean, that's been done to death, and that's not just a crass Payne Stewart reference. I don't relish the thought of a cold Buddy Hollyesque death in a Nebraska cornfield for any of my dawgs. I think we'll just settle for a high-speed cable modem for all of my family members and friends so they can access my work, with a hardware upgrade to be named later.
However, I'm not going to leave transportation out of this altogether. I've got to get to work, and although a helicopter might seem fun and trendy, you run the risk of having to bum rides for your co-workers, traffic reporters and sundry accident victims. So I think I'd rather have the company construct a giant pneumatic tube from my home in Minneapolis to our offices in suburban Mendota Heights. You know, like when you hit the drive-thru at the bank. Schhhhhkk! How cool would that be? Boras will make it happen.
As for the marketing and promotion, I don't need anything quite as obvious as a billboard. I mean, you could fit an entire football field on my forehead if you put me on a billboard, so let's not go there. No, I'll settle for perhaps an online store linked to all of these sites, where they'll sell coffee cups, mouse pads and little desk trinkets with my face on them. And perhaps a page-a-day calendar with clips of my most hilarious lines from previous columns for your daily inspiration. Like, "You could fit an entire football field on my forehead if you put me on a billboard." That kinda thing. We'll call it "store.pat.com" and it will be a industry-leader, I just know it.
I like that clause about maintaining a salary that is competitive with the market. I don't think I can shoot for being the highest-paid writer on the Internet. I mean, it will take awhile before I can compete with Mitch Albom. And now that Hunter S. Thompson is writing for espn.com, the bar has just been raised.
No, I'd settle for being the highest-paid writer in our network. OK, so Edd might not like that, but I hear the company gave him his own personal sushi chef, so he doesn't have much room to complain.
And speaking of my coworkers, you might think this would cause dissention in the newsroom, but I can assure you that it will not because I am among the most loved and respected writers in the office. Petty contract squabbles and jealously could not damage the iron-clad relationships I have forged with my newsroom colleagues. Why, just yesterday I said hi to what's-his-name, that guy with the mustache. And I grunted in acknowledgment to that woman who makes the good coffee, and I asked the guy who reads the paper every morning how his kid and/or kids are doing these days. I am the ultimate team player.
But just in case this falls through, I'm sure Boras can put me in touch with Hunter S. Thompson.
5. Doug Flutie -- Poor li'l fella. All you do is win and get shoved back to the bench. Maybe the XFL is in your future, and if not, I hear Kid Rock needs a new mascot.
4. Chris Weinke -- Who cares if he's older than half of his team's coaches? The guy is a winner, and the Heisman should be on his mantel.
3. John Cooper -- He is the Denny Green of college football coaches. No wonder Robert Smith likes Denny so much.
2. The University of Miami -- Once the haven for criminals. Now who's complaining about being robbed?
1. Allan Iverson -- You lead your squad to 10-0 and people stop talking about what a bigoted, homophobic, greedy misogynist you are.
Previous Donnelly Columns:
November 5, 2000: Staring Down A Saints-Steelers Super Bowl?
October 12, 2000: Old Friends Renew Acquaintances
October 5, 2000: Only One Debate Really Matters ...
September 29, 2000: I Confess: I'm The Man Behind The Curtain!
September 14, 2000: Knight: Alpha Male, Phi Beta Kappa Jerk
August 31, 2000: Devil Rays Give Baseball A Black Eye
August 17, 2000: Too Much Tiger?
August 10, 2000: Ranting On Dennis Miller
